.:Significant:. .:Precious:. .:Beloved:.

Being a pastor's kid

2011-12-18T22:54:00.003+08:00

I'm born to not one, but two senior pastors. I am the eldest, and grew up as the oldest and only kid in church until more kids were born a few years after me. So I've had my fair share of attention and criticism growing up. I honestly never knew the difference between being a pastor's kid and being a church member's kid until I was much older. For the most part of my childhood, it was all good. Speaking behind the pulpit was something my dad did on Sundays, and on Mondays - Saturdays (with the exception of night prayer meetings/cell groups, and fellowship nights), my dad was a regular dad. Err.. except his office was at home so I grew up with two parents 24/7.

I guess I never really realized what being a pastor's kid meant until I was a ministers' retreat. And the youth pastor decided to have a discussion where everyone was to share how they felt being a pastor's kid. And then it started, it seemed that everyone fell to either side of the fence 1. Ooh I love it, how God has chosen us and we are the chosen family blah blah blah, or 2. I hate it, everyone holds me to a higher standard, I can't make mistakes blah blah blah. I can't remember what I said, but I knew for the first time I realized being a pastor's kid was THIS interesting wan ah??

Then I grew older and started becoming more aware of the silent games Christians play. First came comments about dressing, then came comments about slang (no dirty words, just jargon), then it graduated into everything else. Long story short, I realized that we have been bombarded by lots of crap for many years, but my parents always shielded it from us, while being extra strict. Growing up, I wasn't allowed alot of freedom, my parents were strict as strict can be, and I never got off easy when it came to discipline when I've done wrong. But on hindsight, I think the expectations of church members had a role to play in that.

I remember growing my own "voice" as I grew older. Going to college and majoring in Psychology certainly gave me more understanding, insight, and arrogance when it came to dealing with people. So I started fighting back, talking back, and well... you can more or less guess what happened. More criticism.

So then things took a back seat and I grew more, and learned more. And concluded, I never want to be a pastor's wife, cause I never want to see my children suffer like this. Whether or not I get this prayer answered is another story to be told some other day.

Now, I'm pushing 30, I'm seemingly older and wiser. If I were to answer the question again as to what it's like being a pastor's kid, I think I'd say, it's tough. So tough that you'll never understand unless you are one. Pastors can't understand because they chose the road of servitude by answering their call, but their children had no such 'choice'. Pastor's children are 'born' into this hard road. Maybe that's why lots of them rebel? So yes, it's not something that any church member can ever understand. It's different when you're a church leader/deacon's child. It's just tougher. You become an extension of your parents. So when the extension of the "leader" falls, everyone points fingers. Kinda like.. "cheh, you can't even lead your child to the road of glory, why should I believe in you" and then they use this as an excuse to cover up their guilty conscience and leave church. This is a down right immature thought, which I will not debate here.

So yes, it is very tough being a pastor's kid. But with hindsight and after lots of arguing with God, denial, anger etc... I believe it indeed is a blessing to be born into a pastor's family. Putting extra angpow/christmas presents aside, I've had the privilege to witnessing firsthand how God works so miraculously. I've experienced needs being met and fulfilled in ways that can only be described as supernatural. I've experienced what it truly means to be called and handpicked into ministry by God. I've witnessed what it means to literally take up your cross and die to self. I've experienced the sweetness of following Jesus even when everyone else scoffs, mocks, and wrongfully accuses you. I've watched how my parents have chose to obey God all the way, believe in Him all the way, and finally have Him show up in all His splendor and majesty.

I've experienced this, and have found who God really is to me.

Now I have Aly. She's the first grandchild of 2 senior pastors, a daughter of the worship director, niece of a young pastor, and she is growing up in homeschool where they learn about Jesus everyday. I don't know what life holds for her. And I don't know what kind of scrutiny she may come under. But I sure know who holds her hand.

I don't really know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to hopefully give you an insight into your own pastor's family. I really started out this post by thinking it's time to share my side of the story. But at the end, I find myself feeling uplifted... like it all doesn't matter. I'm still being criticized. Still being scrutinized. But it doesn't matter. I know I have a mission to do here. This place is not my home. So I'll do what I need to do, do it well, and when it's time to go, I'll go with no regrets. Criticisms, remarks, hurts, victories, vindication, they have one thing in common - they are all temporal.

So after all has been said and done, is being a pastor's kid bad/good - it doesn't really matter. =)

Oh the mystery of Ephesians 5

2011-05-23T11:16:00.000+08:00

Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing^b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I've struggled with this portion of scripture since forever. On good days, it's sooo easy to submit, obey, to follow the husband's lead. But on bad days - days when I've been giving until I'm dry and yet there are still demand, days when I'm feeling down, PMS days, days when everyone else comes first and no one remembers me - I find it hard to submit.

Especially when ideas and plans are just berserk! I am in a few areas sharper than the husband. But I've found that I do not have the liberty to say things. And when I do, I have to always pick my words, tone, and mood properly. Failing to execute any of the above properly will result in me bruising some ego.

Ever since becoming a mom, it's been tiring. I've never experienced "dying to self" so much and so hard. And yet, it's still not enough. I am still not enough.

If I could wish for something, I would wish to just run away for a while. Maybe half a day? Just run away and to do things for me, and most importantly, for mommy/wife guilt to leave me be!

I don't know how to submit when my emotional tank is running on negative numbers.

Now I remember something I heard many years ago... women are special, they are strong. Because when the whole world ceases to act as it should, mothers and wives can't, and they don't. They just keep moving, keep working, keep loving, keep sheltering.

I guess it's time for me to grow up. Instead of complaining and crying, I should just suck it in and keep moving, keep working, keep loving, and keep sheltering. Lord, I don't know how to... please help.

He doesn't bring me flowers anymore...

2011-04-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

..... he brings me Big Apple Donuts!! <3 <3 <3

I've known my husband for 9 years now, and been married to him for 3 years and counting. Taking a walk down memory lane made me realize that our love has changed. Matured. Sweetened.

Before, it used to be the standard, texting, talking on the phone which included "you put down the phone, no you put down the phone", can't stand to be apart from each other drama etc. But now it's changed that the only way I can describe it is that it's become sweeter - more mature.

We recently made a huge purchase - a spanking new car. It was a huge decision both financially, mentally, and emotionally. We were made to decide like adults - not be ruled by the car, but be ruled by weighing pros and cons, capabilities, etc. So it took a few weeks of mulling over the idea, trashing out feelings and thoughts, and finally making the decision together. I never knew buying a car would bring out so much closeness in a relationship. Upon closer inspection it wasn't that isolated event that brought us closer, it was just how much we've both changed. How much we've both been put through, how much we have been through that has brought us closer and caused that sweet maturing.

I've gained a new respect for my husband that caused me to fall in love with him all over again. =) Watching how he deals with the everyday things like taking out the trash, remembering that I like roasted chicken wing rice with char siew sauce packed separately, remembering to take my watch to get its battery changed amidst his very packed schedule. And then watching him in the bigger things like analyzing the facts, pros and cons of cars, finances what nots. And then watching him in the biggest of things like striving to stay close to God, spending every ounce of free time and energy with Aly and me, being so patient with Aly, animating Aly's bear just so he could make her chuckle, sacrificing his sleep just because Aly has woken up and is calling him to "go" out for a walk... then watching him stay by my side as we battle through the array of my irrational emotional outbursts and meltdowns.

I dare say that I love my husband now, more than I've ever in the past. More than when I first had a crush on him, more than the exciting "does he like me, does he not" phase, more than when we started courting, more than when he proposed, more than our wedding day.

So this man who came into my life 9 years ago is a keeper. I will to stay by his side till death doeth us part.

=)

Thank you for the donuts dar.

The Lead Role

2011-01-21T10:41:00.000+08:00

Very frankly, I believe that I am very capable... and have somehow concluded that there are many things that only I can do, and that no one can do a better job that I can. As a result... I do everything and often get very frustrated that people aren't helping enough, aren't mind-reading enough, aren't understanding enough, aren't capable enough. Irony.

I've been experiencing burn out ever since Toothless came along. Before her, I was able to do the things I did really well. Now with her, I still try to do the tings I used to do, but obviously not to the standards of perfection I'm accustomed to. As a result, I believe I have failed, and am a failure.

In devotion today, I realized something new. Maybe I should just stop doing so many things. Because I am not that all perfect. The problem with me is that I've pegged my self-worth to the things that I do. I am defined by the things I do. Which is the root of the problem. My high need for control and my stubborn temperament makes it hard for others to step into my turf (even God), as a result, people stay clear when I'm doing something. Which makes me feel alone, and in the end I don't get what I really want - which is to be loved, respected, valued, and taken care of. The irony.

So I'll make this my resolution: to try to constantly remember that I am not great, I am not God. Therefore I should not play God. I can only do so much. So it's time to take a back seat and enjoy the view instead of running around like a headless chicken to seemingly "get things going" when they very well can without me.

Here's the devotion that sparked this. I was about to delete it from my email when something prompted me to read it. Thank You Holy Spirit for still speaking.

January 20, 2011Role ReversalWendy Pope

"Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." Matthew 12:30 (NLT)

Devotion:Confession: I have a control issue. More often than not, I take life's situations in my hands. I try to control and manipulate the outcome, then dare to ask God to bless it. In recent days the Lord has taught me a simple but profound truth: when I don't work with Him, I am actually working against Him.

This truth came to light during an early morning quiet time as I read Oswald Chambers' words in My Utmost for His Highest:

"Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God's role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."

Chambers defines an "amateur providence" as someone who tries to play the role of God in the lives of others. These words pierced my heart as I identified myself as an amateur providence in another's life. Whose? My husband's.

You see, when the vow "I do" did not instantly morph my husband into the spiritual leader I thought he should be, I took it upon myself to help him. Yes, I played the role of "Holy Spirit" for my husband quite nicely. Manipulating situations, quoting the Bible, and using the silent treatment became an art.

Even with all the masterful skills I had developed over our years of marriage, my husband still wasn't the spiritual leader I wanted him to be. I prayed and worked harder at crafting my skills to no avail. Why weren't all my efforts paying off? What else could I do? The day I read Oswald's words I got my answer. I shut my mouth and boy, was my spirit on alert.

Manipulating, Bible quoting, and giving silent treatments hadn't helped my husband at all. My role as "Holy Spirit" in my husband's life was so noisy, God's whispers to him could not be heard. My obsession with improving my husband's spirituality was working against God.

I grew blinded to the man my husband had become, the man God wanted him to be. Somehow I had missed the benevolence of his heart. I failed to notice the way he was drawn to taking care of widows and quietly helping those who are less fortunate and in need.

Quickly I took the Spirit's alert to heart. Confessing my sin, I asked the Lord to forgive me for trying to do His job in my husband's life. I invited Him to change my heart and help me see my husband through His eyes.

Retiring the lead role of "Holy Spirit" to my husband was not easy. Controlling things is a real issue for me. There are people who I believe I can help and situations I believe need my assistance. However, discovering the lead role is best played by God and submitting to this truth has brought great peace to my life and marriage.

Have you cast yourself in a role you weren't meant to play? Are you working with God or against Him in the lives of those you love? Retire that role today. The view from the front row is more awesome than the one from center stage!

Dear Lord, God forgive me for trying to control the lives of those around me. Today I release control into Your very capable hands. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Good girls like Bad boys

2010-12-23T10:20:00.002+08:00

I've heard quite a number of complaints regarding the fairer sex. The saying "men like stability while women like change" has become one staple statement when discussions about the differences between sexes take place; along with the famous Chinese saying "men not bad, women don't love". So I've been mulling over these two statements for a while and have decided that to give my 2 cents worth.

First stop, I agree with both statements and have found that both statements are not mutually exclusive.

To understand this, one must first have at least some sort of understanding about how men and women operate. Now I am in no way any expert, so please do not quote/misquote me.

Men (well, most men) are logic driven. What that simply means is that they use their heads more than their hearts. Take for example, buying a car, a man is more likely to survey things like performance, petrol consumption, the price tag, and then looks. Whereas women, like me, will probably start with looks first then go down the line and end with performance. 6 speed gear box, 5 speed gear box whhhat??? I just chuck it to D and it drives! Again, this is seriously over generalized, there ARE men and women who don't fall into the above scenarios at all.

So when a man, at least my man, makes decisions, he is very likely to weigh out the pros and cons, keep their emotions aside and make the most 'logical' decision. That said, they are sometimes persuaded to do otherwise by their emotional side they like to label "passion". Tee hee!!

Whereas, women are really quite different. I observe many preschooler girls and they almost always like playing "house", "tea party", and "family". All plays include some form of nurturing. Somewhere some role will feature a mimicry of a mother telling the others how to act. There's always something that can be better in the house, some person that could hold the teacup more correctly, someone who needs to change the dolly's dirty diapers etc. I guess what I've really observed is how much girls like to fix things! So as we grow up, we carry with us a need to fix things we like to label "nurturing" or "bringing out the full potential of... insert name here... ". Which is why the "badder" guy we get, the more "nurturing" we can do! And to be able to single handedly 'CHANGE' our man gives us great pleasure. Then we feel oh-so-special and powerful. =/

This is where the issue starts. Men have surveyed their choice of a mate, paid the deposit and signed the documents. Now all there is to it is to sit down and enjoy his "purchase". But this unsuspecting fellow soon realizes that the paying never stops. There's a career he's expected to advance in, a fatter paycheck he's expected to rake in, an ever growing belly he's expected to not have, the trash he's expected to take out, the family outings he's expected to drive everyone to, the mr. fix-it-all, and know-it-all roles that he's supposed to pay. And at most times, when he thinks he's achieved THE goal, he's disappointed to find that all he gets is a pre-programmed congratulatory note that reads "congratulations Mr XXXX you have successfully conquered stage 1002, stage 1003 will commence in 3....2....1..." It is as though there's constantly something about him that needs fixing.

His wife more of less responsible for this. (sorry ladies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say this)

How?

Our little young minds were poisoned by Disneyland and fairy tales. The oh-so-cliche dashing heroic price's love for a maiden he's only met in a dream causes him to risks all and battle the ferocious dragon etc etc... he slays the dragon, saves the maiden, they fall in love, kiss, and "they lived happily ever after". As much as we hate to admit it, inside most girls, cynical or not, is this pining to be like Cinderella, Snow White and all her other fairy tale sisters. So we sit and wait for the romance, the proposal, the lavish wedding, and fuss when we meet reality. When we realise that there is no pumpkin carriage, there is no happily ever after without hard work, and there that young dashing courageous prince that you married, decides he has done enough, kicks back and relaxes over football on TV. All of a sudden you're left with the house to clean, baby to feed, change, wash etc. Then you look at this man and realise "oh gosh, I married a toad!!!" That's where the "nurturing" and "unleashing full potential" comes in. Most of the women I know resort to nagging, and other more violent means.

In short, women try very hard to make their men into something. I write this because I've been doing a bit of reflection these past months and realised that I am in fact, wifezilla. In pursuit of my happily ever after, I bombard my husband with things like "why can't you...." and then try to cover up and sweeten it by saying "but I know you, I know you can become better.. don't you want to be better?" *sigh* *cringe*.

So I went back to the source and asked God why we were made so different? Why are men and women on opposite poles. Well the only answer I got was that so they could learn to love, respect, care for what they are not. then they will learn what it means to subject themselves to someone, and to forsake all to care for that someone. I believe that men and women were made sooooooooo different for many sound reasons. Reasons which we fail to comprehend most times. But what is suffice to say is, that have we as husband and wife / boyfriend and girlfriend learned to respect, accept, care for and help our partners? Help yes help! Just because we're to accept our partners doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to all his/her faults and mark it off as 'that's just the way he is' I believe we were also made (like iron) to hone and sharpen the other, yes ladies you can cheer now. That means that change has to come and will come. But the key is how it is inspired to come.

I've been learning that what works for me is when I really look at all my husband has done and is doing, and to recognize all the effort he's put in. It doesn't matter if I think I could do a better job that him in half the time. The fact is that he has given his best. So recognition is called for. Then sincere praise comes in. Let me tell you my dear sisters, that when you praise you man sincerely, you'll make a WHOLE lot of impact as compared to hours of nagging (I've been down that road).

So yes, if we ever find that we want our partners to change, first look at ourselves to figure if we're pulling as much weight, then figure out an effective game plan. Afterall you and your partner are in it together!

So my dear sisters, have you recognized your husband's efforts today? =)

Happy Birthday to me

2010-10-26T21:55:00.002+08:00

To the people who made this day beautiful:
my parents, my sister, my students (you guys are AMAZING! You almost made me cry!!) and ex students (Yes I remember you guys!) I am so very blessed to have had the honor of having my path crossed yours. THANK YOU so very very much!

Lesson learned today..sometimes happiness lies within your own hands. =)

so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

27 gems for 27 years

2010-10-25T22:23:00.002+08:00

In an hour or so I'll turn 27. That's a good 3 years from the big three-zero. Quite an achievement if you ask me. After a night of peace (Baby A fell asleep at 7pm), I am inspired to blog! So here goes a list of 27 gems of lessons learned and things to be thankful for.

Thank God for life. These past 2 years have been the hardest and the most rewarding thus far. The pain and the joy brought a new appreciation for life in itself.
Thank God for the family I came from. Having been a mom for 5 months.. I have finally begun learning about the weight of a parent's sacrifice and what it takes to hold a family together. I am who I am because of my family.
Thank God for my husband. I cannot begin to count the number of times we've had disagreements and arguments. But in the worst of it all, I realized that if I got to choose my partner all over again, there's no one else I'd choose to go through the worst and best with than Justin.
Thank God for our first child. Though we never met, you left a great impact on my life. You taught me what it meant to love a stranger, to hope for the best, and to lay what's precious in the hands of the Maker. We will meet again my baby.
Thank God for Alyssa. My Toothless! I thank God for the privilege to be her mom. Every day she lets me know just how precious I am to her. I've never met anyone who has made me feel this appreciated. She just loves me for me.<3
Thank God for all the lessons Alyssa has taught me. See following:
Learned to laugh a bit more. Silly songs and funky moves... anything to tickle my daughter's funny bones somehow is contagious!
Learned to be organized. I now walk around with a mental note of things that need to be done, my priority list, and how to get them done in the shortest time. No joke, I have a huge list for the diaper bag alone!
Learned what is more important. So the bottles need to be washed and sterilized, the diaper bag needs to be packed, the clothes washed and hung, the floor swept and mopped... But my daughter's looking at me with those eyes that say "here I am mommy, let's play!" So the bottles, bag, clothes, floor can all wait. I'm getting my priorities straight! It's these little moments that are truly important!
Learned that many complicated things can be settled with a smile. My daughter has not mastered grammar or vocab yet, but she manages to take away all my stress, lethargy, demotivation with just one smile.
Learned to take care of a baby! When I first held her, she felt so small and fragile. Never thought I'd make it through the first month. It's been 5 since. =)
Learned that waking up early in the morning isn't all that bad. Since Toothless greets us with that huge toothless grin!
Learned that staying at home every chance we get is really nice!
Learned that weekends are so much more worthwhile while spending with family.
Learned that babies aren't THAT fragile. My Toothless is mega resilient!
Am learning to be a protective mommy! My daughter depends on me to keep her safe and look after her wellbeing. Sometimes that requires saying no to things/people.
Learned that raising a child requires lots of team effort.
Learned that there are better things to do than to hold a grudge.
Learned that a small getaway (e.g. 1 day trips) can be very relaxing.
Learned that just because I can do something doesn't mean I must do it. I am not always the right person for the job.
Learned that it is important to fully appreciate the stage and phase of life I am in. Because I can only fully experience the phase I am in at any given moment.
Learned that my body can seriously be pushed to the limits. pregnancy, child birth, late nights, lack of sleep!! whoa!
Started to learn that being a mom, a working woman, and housekeeper is VERY tough. Guess I can't do them all to perfection.
Learned that sometimes, the only people that I can gain love, affection, and appreciation from is God and myself. So here's a pat on my back for surviving pregnancy and 5 months and counting of motherhood.
Learned that I am indeed a wonderful person. Ask my daughter, I'm sure she'll concur.
Learned that seasons of pain make seasons of joy so much sweeter.
Last but not least, learned that in ALL things, God works for the GOOD of His children.

Wow. That was refreshing. So here's to 27 years!

Of Life after Alyssa

2010-08-10T11:37:00.002+08:00

Before we were pregnant with Alyssa, I often would dream of life with a kid. As cliche as it sounds, I had the whole white picket fence, me adorned in an apron cooking up a storm while my little ones anxiously wait at the door for daddy to come home from work.

Needless to say, my reality is not as I dreamt it to be. I have no picket fence, heck, my house has no fence! =D and cooking up a storm is hard to do when my daughter's waking time is about the time dinner is to be prepared.

Suffice to say, life after Alyssa has been quite different from what I envisioned it to be. It was hard at first, lots of struggles. And after some reflection, I finally realised the cause of the stress. Two reasons actually 1. adjustments to everything that's new 2. my own expectations.

Adjustments are a given, afterall we've never been parents before, moreover, every child is different. The mother of all adjustments for me was the whole identity shift from being childless to with child... a mom... secondly was the whole performing-with-severe-lack-of-sleep. Following that was the change in routines, not being able to go out as and when we'd like.

The whole confinement month was not bad for me, but I really missed going out of the house. Taking a slow walk to the maintenance office to pay our bills made me happy. So came the end of confinement, I was overjoyed! Spend the night before packing the diaper bag for the first time!!! Realised how many things I had to pack... and it took me 3 outings to get the formula right. x number of diapers for x amount of time, x changes of clothes etc.

It's really interesting to sit and note down the whole list of changes after Alyssa arrived... I know I have a mental note somewhere, but in the mishmash of all things I now call routine and life, I can't seem to find this mental note! Perhaps I'll add to this list when I actually do find it.

For now, I guess all I really want to say is, life after the arrival of Alyssa is beautiful! =)

Inspired to have a kid? =D

I'm an Exclusively Pumping Mommy

2010-06-28T15:58:00.001+08:00

Title says it all... I never knew there was a term for it, but after spending days getting used to the routine, I desperately needed some guidance and referred to the great oracle - Google. Lo and behold, I realised I am not alone!! There's a huge network of other exclusive pumpers out there.

Before I go any further let me first explain what exclusively pumping means. Basically, it's when a mommy feeds breastmilk to her baby via bottle, not breast... in other words, baby's not fed through the tap so to say. Why? Many reasons actually, premies are at the top of the list, followed by nipple and latch problems. Mine's the latter.

My first breastfeeding experience was a nightmare and left me trying so very hard to hold in my tears. I knew beforehand that my nipples would create a problem with latching on, but there was hope that maybe the baby could learn how to latch on, or maybe towards the end of pregnancy my nipples would resemble that or normal ones. But it never happened. Baby was hungry, lactation consultant was there to teach the proper latch on. I held baby in my arms, she was ready to go, mouth opened wide, I put her to breast and she just couldn't latch on... after a few more tries... she burst out into a scream... and my heart just dropped. I could not do the single more natural thing - breastfeed... I could not provide for my hungry baby.

Next few days, I still tried. Until one day I just gave up. Back at home, I had my medela pump, and I got to work trying to make my milk come. Day 4, it came. Pumping was exhilarating!! I saw trickles of whitish fluid emerging and it clicked, I CAN produce milk after all!! The rest is history.

It's been almost a month and half now of exclusive pumping. Here's the drill... I pump almost every 2 hours, feed, then wash and sterilize everything. Day and night. The number of hours of sleep I get? about 4 hours of interrupted sleep. It's a lonely journey... I'm up with the sounds of her hunger whimpers, I head downstairs to retrieved refridgerated milk, put it in the warmer, and feed (which take her 30-40 mins sometimes), then proceed to pumping (which takes another 30-40 mins), then wash and sterilize, and get back to sleep... only to be awaken about 1+hours later. It's certainly God's grace that has brought me through these nights of sleep deprivation... And what's more challenging is that on top of juggling all this... I have to ensure I get enough "rest" so my milk production maintains. I find this rather hillarious... the irony. =/

Found something uplifting today while reading other pumping mommy's blogs for support... Entitled "Cows with names produce more milk" (hilarious!!)

And I think about how we breastfeeding human moms run ourselves ragged. We get so little sleep. If we go back to work then we are especially burning the candle at both ends. Not to mention how hard the exclusively pumping moms are working. It's not easy. But we do it anyway because we know it's important.
If this is you, be nice to yourself. And realizing you are worth being treated well and making sure that you are treated that way just may help you produce more, too.
Source

I go back to work in 2 days. I do not know how I am going to fair juggling work, feeds, pumping, and keeping my health and sanity in check. I can more or less envision how things may turn out, but everyone knows reality may differ greatly. Only way to find out is to dive in. Not like I have any other choice.

I shall heed the advice and be nice to myself. For today, that means not bothering about whether the dishes are done, clothes are hung, floor is swept... for today it means not bothering whether or not I smile or make life easier for some people.. for today.. it means I just want to take a break! I'm a cow with a name for goodness' sake!! And this sleep deprived, highly stressed cow needs a well deserved break and a pat on the back for a month + of work well done.

On a side note, I absolutely dislike it when people keep probing about my breastfeeding attempts. I shall articulate it to the world here... I am exclusively pumping, breastfeeding doesn't work for me and the baby.I am already doing the BEST I can, the BEST I know how... So let me be. please!

The final stage!

2010-05-09T16:10:00.004+08:00

The countdown on the baby blog reads 27 days. We're currently at 36 weeks 1 day, that's 6 days from being full term.

How am I feeling?
Anxious, excited, scared... and sometimes numb.

What am I doing?
Well... nesting is starting I think, we've set up the cot and organized her baby stuff. Still in need of a chest of drawers for her, but that will have to wait till later. Other than that, I've been reading up about natural delivery and C sections.

What else do we need?
A name. Lots of prayers for her to turn right side up/down. A chest of drawers. More sleep. Err... I think that's just about it.

I guess... what's been occupying my mind these days and nights are how she's enter this world, and whether we'll be able to cope with and provide for her well enough. Whether or not we'll do a good enough job raising her. Whether or not we'll be able to keep her safe. Whether or not we'll be able to train her in the ways of the Lord and finally release her into her God given ministry... Sigh... Pregnancy and parenthood really brings with it lots of worries. =/

So as I count down the days... I thank God that His presence goes before us and with us... Thank You Lord.

Baby Registry is Officially Open!

2010-04-14T13:10:00.001+08:00

We would like to hereby announce the opening of our Baby Registry!!

We already have a few items taken up by wonderful wonderful friends (THANK YOU!)

Feel free to browse our page should you like to bless our little one with a gift =)

Once again, thank you for dropping by!

.:Baby Registry:.

Love,
Justin & Sher

The first strand

2010-04-01T09:27:00.003+08:00

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

Meat vs Candy

2010-03-15T11:42:00.003+08:00

I shared with my cell group 2 weeks ago, something I've kept to myself for 10 months now. I told my cell... I've been feeling like God just isn't here anymore... Like He's let me down. Lots of arrogance can be read in that last line.. "He's let me down". One can go down the path and argue about how we are mere mortal and how dare I say He's let me down etc... Which is why I've kept it to myself till now.

Often times we're looking to God for some good zapping. You know the kind you get at youth concerts, camps, and altar calls? The ones that sweep you off your feet, leave you breathless, and crying your eyes silly, and leaves rivers of snot gushing down from your nose and totally wipes pride off of any self respecting controlled facade you've been trying to hold up? Yeap, that kinda zapping.

But there comes a time where God says, nope, a zapping's not what you need now my dear. You need REAL FOOD!! Meat, not candy!

So how does meat look like? Since I've been so accustomed to "candy"?

I just realised today... that for me.. meat looked like this:
1. for the past 10 months, I've been through some hardship but I'm still alive and kicking
2. my relationship with my husband has increased to greater heights and deeper depths
3. I have a beautiful baby on her way. God has taken care of her thus far
4. I still have enough.
5. I still have the strength to take on life's challenges, demands, and duties

The problem with meat... in my opinion... is that meat is not like candy... it doesn't give you that rush. There's no high when you eat meat. But slowly and surely, you'll realise you're growing. You don't notice how your body has been nourished, but you are healthy, you have strength to work, you are growing!

So I think that's why God would rather give us meat than candy. Yes, a rush (zap) on and off is real good.. but when we start craving only for candy?? Oh dear... Imagine a diet built solely upon candy? How then will this army of God be able to rise up and fight when needed to? How then will this army be able to win back souls from the gates of hell?

So yeah. He hasn't let me down. I've not had candy for awhile now. But I'm sure getting lots of meat! =D

Baby Blog

2010-02-24T19:48:00.001+08:00

Hellooo

I know I've been away from this blog for a long time now! Been occupied with our baby blog . Do pay a visit =D

I'll try harder the next time...

2010-01-14T20:17:00.003+08:00

I love it when my students say "I'll try harder the next time". Through the defeat, they are able to see the greater treasure - that within every failure/success is a lesson to be learned. This year, I welcomed new students to my class. It was orientation all over again, I do not know them, neither do they know me. And I think this year, I've been a little... 'off'. I wonder if it's the hormones but I've been less sharp and more forgetful. *eeks*. I admit, 9 days into the new school calendar and I've already made some mistakes.

So as tomorrow concludes the second week of this new school year, I find myself saying "I'll try harder the next time". =)

This is going to be a heck of a year!! Oh Lord, be my guide!!!

6 days and counting...

2009-12-02T20:53:00.005+08:00

In another 6 days, we would pass our 2 year mark after the "i do-s" . It's an amazing feeling! The only way we've survived thus far (cheh wah) is really because of God. To God be all the glory!

This anniversary is special. It'll mark the last anniversary we'll have as a couple. Come June next year, we'll have a little one and two will become three. Till then, we'll savor every moment as a duo.

Exceeding Grace

2009-11-11T19:45:00.003+08:00

We initially decided to keep this till Christmas, but oh well, who doesn't like a pleasant surprise? =)

Visit www.exceeding-grace.blogspot.com

=)

For those who have prayed with us, loved and encouraged us, Thank you so very much!

Engraved on our rings

2009-11-02T13:11:00.003+08:00

This 8th December will mark 2 years since we've been together.

I'm a sucker for sentiments. As mentioned previously, I spent lots of time thinking of the theme for our wedding/marriage. So the rings were no exception. After cracking my head thinking of what should be engraved onto the wedding rings, I gave up and asked Justin to do the thinking. He came up with a phrase we'd used alot during out courtship: More than yesterday, less than tomorrow. It was an immediate thumbs up from me. Till now, that phrase still sends shivers down my spine, and awakens the butterflies in my stomach. Yup, 4 years down the line and it still works. =)

But we've not used this phrase for a long long while now. In fact we only use it on Birthday and Anniversary cards. Such is the reality of marriage.

Courtship was fun. It was ever-so-exciting! Being constantly on cloud 9, wanting arguments to go away as quickly as possible so we could be in each other's loving arms again... Constantly on the look out for new ways to surprise each other, to tell each other how much they are loved... and being ever so diligent to learn about the other. That was courtship for me.

Then came the engagement. Ooohhh what merriment! Big shiny rock to go with it too! =) But somewhere in between saying "Yes, I'll marry you!" and "I do", new arguments broke out. Suddenly how to manage the wedding budget was a source of stress, arguments, and tears. Suddenly how many kids we'd want and when we'd start getting them caused friction. Suddenly the sounds of "How come you don't care about (fill in the blanks)" and "Am I making the right decision to marry him/her" surface. Suddenly cloud 9 didn't seem so appealing anymore.

Then comes "I do". I kid you not when I say the first few years of marriage are tough, painful, and severely testing. It takes every ounce of you to combat house loans, car loans, new job scopes, new responsibilities, being on your own, discovering the beauty and ugliness of one another... the list goes on. I sat naively when ladies who are seasoned married women warned me of the impending "pain". I sat there and I remember thinking, not us la. We'll do just fine!

=) I now laugh at my ignorance.

Being in ANY relationship is tough for that matter. Marriage is just one of the worse I think. But to my dear friends who are unmarried or considering the prospect of marriage. Let me tell you, one cannot know how sweet the sweetest of wines are until one has tasted how bitter it can get. Don't shun the pain, the arguments, and the ugliness of marriage. That's just the reality of any relationship. Because if you try hard enough, hold on to God enough, you'll soon emerge from the bitter ugliness of marriage and taste the sweet beauty of it. A beauty that surpasses every other beauty.

I Look To You

2009-10-23T21:19:00.003+08:00

I've been captivated by Whitney Houston's vocals for a long time... It was sad when news hit that she got into all sorts "mess". It was sad because I think deep down inside she was just seeking... lonely... and confused. Like all of us are sometimes. But she chose and detoured. Now it's as though she's gone full circle and she's finally back.

Her latest single - I Look to You was meant to be a worship song. This has been on my playlist for the whole night. Hope this encourages all of us who are lost, searching, tired, lonely, confused, and in between... May we all realise sooner that we are to always look to Him for all that we seek...

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
Im lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
Yeah
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

After losing my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you
Yeah
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

(My levee's have broken, my walls have come)
Coming down on me
(Crumbling down on me)
All the rain is falling
(The rain is falling, defeat is calling)
Set me free
(I need you to set me free)

Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength has gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you
Yeah

I look to you
I look to you

Could've been...

2009-10-08T12:33:00.002+08:00

What came to mind when naming this post was Mandy Moore's song from A Walk to Remember. =/

I've had this impression for about 2 years now... that one day we'll get to heaven and God would show us the great plan He had for our lives, the unclaimed blessings, the alternate endings. And it is then that we'll realise that we could've been so much more. That's the part in the book of Revelations that talks about great weeping in heaven.

I've ponder a few times on what it would be like if I'd get to heaven one day, happy that I made it... only to be shown what I could've been. Not some bombastic, super-duper evangelist. But if I could've impacted so many more people, if I could've shone His light a little more, if I could've walked in places of faith that have never been visited before, if I could've experienced God so much more, if I could've been more effective hands and feet of God... I can only imagine how I'd respond.

So I leave you, dear reader, with the question... what if you get to heaven and realise you could've been so much more?

What would you do today?

I look at my role as wife, daughter, teacher, friend; and I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had, how many I've walked away from, rationalized away, and totally ignored.

Maybe getting to heaven isn't the whole deal. It's ultimately, living a fulfilled life glorifying God that counts. In the end, God tests our works by fire. How much of what you've done will stand the test?

WOOOO HOOOO!

2009-09-22T21:27:00.001+08:00

Results released... we are MASTERS GRADUATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

I Miss My Sister...

2009-09-12T21:01:00.002+08:00

I hugged, kissed, and waved my sister goodbye today. She's currently some 30 thousand feet above sea level on her way to UK. I thought that all the training from sending my students off would help me toughen up for this. But nope... didn't work. I cried the minute I hugged her goodbye, then I cried all the way home, and even now I'm still crying. Gosh I miss my sister! She grew so fast, and now she's off to complete her degree. She'll only be back August 2010. So that's a whole 11 months of not having her around to argue with, scream at (and be screamed back at), to have her drive me around, to hug, to play with, to joke with etc...

I keep telling myself 11 months passes by soo quickly! Before I know it she'll be back. Sigh... easier said than done... I miss you so much Lynn...

By Derick

2009-09-10T11:00:00.005+08:00

Here's something from a student of mine. I found this utterly amusing and profound!

Dancing ducks with dental floss,
Desperate dogs with dinosaurs,
Discouraged donkeys with district attorneys.
Such is life and all its mysteries.
- Derick Ong

Oohh the question he was given was "Using your own initial, either first or last, write a short shaped poem."

Gundam 00

2009-09-09T22:31:00.004+08:00

I am not a fan of anime, simply put, I do not wait anxiously for new episodes every week, participate in fan forums. In fact my knowledge of anime is... well limited to almost zero. Only ones I've watched were Totoro (does that count?), Princess Mononoke, Ah My Goddess, Gundam 00. My siblings watch them, but I was never really drawn to them. I preferred the ang moh ones. Hehehehe...

But my hubs on the other end, likes anime. A while back he borrowed Gundam 00 season 1 from his sister. For the sake of bonding, I watched. Soon I got hooked on it and I downed Gundam just like I did Grey's Anatomy - one episode after another. Season 1 of Gundam ended very horribly... Almost every character we were made too identify with died. I remember leaving the last episode with a horrid horrid feeling (I get that when good guys don't win), and so I told Justin I never want to watch Gundam anymore!

Here I am, post graduation and Justin borrowed season 2. I didn't watch.. until episode 20. So Justin has been trying to fill me in on the many episodes I missed. Trying to piece things together, I realised something (that Justin later confirmed), there's so so so much philosophy in this anime! So many ideals, so many philosophies... Almost everyone is a purist, almost everyone is driven by some sense of a better future... by hope. Apparently, this is common knowledge to anime lovers: that anime have deep deep meanings behind them. Maybe that's why anime are so monumental.

Ooooo. I really like the ending theme song for Gundam 00 "Trust You". The music caught my ears, then I Googled the lyrics and found that it really made a lot of sense. Here they are:

English Translation
Like flowers dancing in the wind Like rain moistening the earth Although this world thrives on interdependence Why do people hurt each other? Why do we have to part?
Even if you're faraway In the depths of this heart Completely filled with that gentle smile The pieces of you that I held tight Are still connected in spite of pain, so I believe that we'll meet again I'm waiting for your love
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me
Who watched the world end? Who proclaimed the end of the journey? It's a long night, and we cannot see the answers Still I hope you keep to the road you believed in Because at the end, light is waiting.
The song that you taught me Is still, in the deepest reaches of my heart Echoing, along with that gentle voice. Overflowing droplets of feelings Warmly run down my cheeks "Become stronger Believe We're connected" I'm always by your side
I love you I trust you The tears I've shed for you I love you I trust you Have taught me what love is No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness I love you I trust you Even in sadness, even in happiness I love you I trust you I want to protect everything that's yours
No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me

In need of some F.U.N.!

2009-09-08T13:18:00.002+08:00

It's been about 3 weeks since handing up our last assignment for MA. I thought I'd be super free now, but I guess, life is meant to be packed? I shall make the best out of this life then. First thing on the list... Do something FUN!

We never thought work + masters for 3 years will reduce us to strangers to the concept of FUN. Ohhh Fun, how we miss thee... but the saddest thing was, it actually took us a while to think of ONE FUN thing to do... sad I know.

So here's no. 1 on our list (our only item)
1. Go snorkling, probably @ Pulau Perhentian

Suggestions welcomed!! What can we do for FUN???
we've watched 2 movies @ Signatures that was fun while it lasted
we've bought tonnes of DVDs which we also finished... fun while it lasted
what else??? what else???
Ooh Paintball's coming up in October with YA, but I fear I may chicken out following the last round's bruises.

Will you fill me?

2009-08-27T15:57:00.003+08:00

Fill in the blanks.

If only I had ___________ I'd be so much happier/content/fulfilled!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

This little question can probably reveal a few basic insights into your life.
1. Whether or not you are generally content with your life.
2. Which one of your basic needs is not met.
3. What you are yearning/pining for.
4. Why you are currently unhappy/discontent with your life.

It is said that the general population is discontent with life and is to a certain extent unhappy with how life currently is. This discontent may work in many miraculous ways which we label as 'motivation'. I shall not dwell on that today. But I would like to pose another question...

I feel happy when I __________.

This question then gives us insight into where you'd normally get your fill.

We are hedonistic. We pursue the greatest amounts of pleasure while trying to avoid the slightest amount of pain. Almost everything we do is just that. So when we are discontent and unhappy with our life, we naturally seek out areas where we'd get our fill, things, people, places that would give us most pleasure and take away the pain. For some, it is in studying, for some, working, for others relationships, for others a bottle of whiskey, and the list goes on.

These 2 questions caught me today. Made me look long and hard on what I was missing and what I was filling up my life with. Would you take time out to ponder?

Mourning into Dancing

2009-08-21T15:59:00.002+08:00

Mourning last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!!!

I just completed my thesis defense. The only word I can use to describe it is GRACE... no two words, ABUNDANT GRACE... Justin prayed for me this morning and he asked God to go before me like He always has... I admit I did not feel the least bit victorious... Not at all until the defense was done. God works in marvelous ways... He is ever present even when His presence is not known or acknowledged by us...

I want to thank everyone for praying for me. Before walking into the defense hall, I remembered the prayers and the faces of those who were so concerned. Thank you my darling husband, thank you my ever-so-sweet students, thank you mom, lynn, and dad, thank you Adelene for calling to check on me and to pray!!

Lastly, God, You are amazing... Even when I fail to acknowledge and run to You, You are still there, still patient, still loving, still true... Thank You... Thank You for the break, thank You for victory. =) Now, bring on the uprooting!

P.s. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for thesis and internship results... Will post here when I find out whether I'll be once again be putting on a graduation gown =D Anyone wanna come for our graduation? Hehehehehe

Season of Uprooting

2009-08-20T16:47:00.002+08:00

I finally found the right phrase to describe this season in my life... A season of uprooting... I had previously thought that I understood what uprooting felt like... But nothing could prepare me for this season...

My former student pointed out a week ago... that 2009 was a tough year for me, and he followed up by asking how I was doing. It stunned me. Since October 2008... I hadn't allowed myself to feel and to reflect. Not deep enough that is.

October 2008 my precious dog Summer got sick. Lots of prayers and wresting with faith and doubt later, she passed away on 24th November 2008. She left a void in the hearts of my family members. We never talked much about it... cause that's just how my family works. Mourning can only last for a short time, then it's moving on to the next thing that needs to be done.

December 2008 was tough because this would be the first Christmas we celebrated without Mer... Still none of us really talked about it and I just carried on with life, shedding a tear or two when I would still imagine her in sleeping in her pail or waiting at the door when we would come home, regardless of how many times we went in and out those doors.

January 2009 was a fresh start... mentally I had psyched myself for a fresh new page. But counseling was taking a toll on me... seeing clients, doing reports, and seeing that graduation was no where in sight yet... still life was bearable.

March 2009, I got a scare when I started having the hunch that I was pregnant.. but it was too soon to check, so I waited.. for 3 weeks (agonizing actually) before the ClearBlue test stick showed a plus sign...

1 April 2009, it's confirmed, we were pregnant! But it was April fools so it was hard convincing people that it was real... I told God thank You. Because I felt that this was my break... the family's break!! Good days ahead man!!

May 2009, I looked forward to the doctor visits where I would get to stare at the ultrasound, proud and triumphant! But this didn't last very long... 20th May, on our 11th week visit, baby had no more heart beat. Still the thought and realization never really sank in... until 22nd May when we went for the D&C. Before the D&C I started spotting... and then it hit me... wow, my body is finally ready to let my baby go... and then it hit me hard... I've really lost my baby... my hopes, my dreams.. my desires... gone.

August 2009, was thesis due date month. After a long break I kicked up my heels and started polishing up my thesis. I finished it a good 4 days before due date. Was very proud of myself and again I thought Ok God, this is my break!! Woo hooo Life is going to get better now... 20th August, I got a phone call from my thesis supervisor saying that I had submitted an incomplete thesis.. I cannot begin to explain what I felt, a while later it hit me, I think I had submitted the wrong copy... After checking through, it was true... I made an extremely stupid, idiotic, and primitive mistake. All that went through my mind was that I was going to fail, I wish I could just die (literally) and I never make mistakes like that!

Tomorrow I face the panel who will mark my thesis. I do not know anymore what to expect. Prior to this, I could guess and plan for my future. Simple plans, nothing mega huge... Nothing hard, simple stuff.

Today, I no longer know what lies ahead, and it scares me very much.

We went for a checkup with the gynae on Monday, and she gave us the green light to try conceiving again. I thought I would be thrilled, but what greeted me was fear.

One of my favorite messages I used to tell my students was - dream big!! Now, I can't help but feel I dare not. I dare not look to the future and dream, hope, and plan.

Season of uprooting... I don't know how long more this is going to last... or how much more of this I can take. But somewhere deep down inside... I remember Ezekiel... The Lord will make the tall tree go short and the short tree grow tall.... He will make the green tree dry up and the dried tree flourish... then all the trees of the field will know that He alone is Lord. And I also remember that His grace is still exceeding, abundant, above and beyond everything I dare dream...

Oh Lord... May You come and come quickly... Give me hope and help me dream again... My soul thirsts for You...

There goes another one...

2009-08-11T23:42:00.003+08:00

About 8 months ago I wrote a post... fly birdie fly... Tonight I shall write another one...

I thought it would get easier... the whole 'watching them grow up and leave the nest' experience. But tonight proved me wrong. Phoebe spread her wings and flew off to US tonight. At a tender age of 15, she's off to battle the world of American high schools, super cold weather and living in a basement.

There's something special about Phoebe... something that made it so so so hard to restraint myself from chaining her to me and saying "No, you are not leaving!!!". *sigh* The hardest part of doing the work I do is the relationship part. Everyone of them make at least one difference in my life. Tonight, I had to hold back and choke on my tears because yet another precious one has left the nest. Deep down I want so much for them to just stay where they are... But they have a whole life waiting for them! So many journeys God would like to take with them! So many more places to go and lives to impact! I know my students (each and every one of them) are life-changers!

Oh Lord, grant me the ability to stay above my emotions... Sigh... I don't know why I'm feeling these much emotions... I think I'm PMS-ing...

Safe flight Phoebe.

Beautifully Imperfect

2009-08-01T17:54:00.004+08:00

Disneyland messed us all up I'd say. Before Disneyland, there was no "Happily Ever After" delusion, there was just the reality of marriage.

I would like to blog about the reality of marriage today. As a little girl, finding a prince to marry, having little children, staying at home and being a content and happy housewife was my goal. Despite of the many arguments between spouses I've witness in TV and real life, "Happily Ever After" was a reality to me.

At age 20 I met a peculiar spike-haired-blur-looking-but-very-attractive thin Chinese boy. At age 22, I started dating him, that same peculiar but now skin-headed-blur-looking-but-very-attractive slightly chubbier Chinese boy. At age 23, I was engaged to him. At age 24, I married him.

Soon after, I realised what my mom and mother-in-law said to be true - the first few years of marriage are immensely hard. In fact, my mother-in-law said "Aiyooo those were the worst worst years!". I smile now as I look back at all the arguments we had. First one was during our honeymoon over a petty petty issue.

Next Saturday, I would be married to this still-peculiar-but-very-very-attractive Chinse man for 1 year and 8 months. In another 4 months, it would be 2 years. In the course of this one year and 8 months, I've discovered more and more of his imperfections, big and small; just as he has discovered more and more of mine. We've fought, slammed doors, yelled, threw things, cried (lots of drama ya? =D ). And at times, these imperfections seem oh so annoying, not to mention irritating, frustrating and the list goes on.

But that is the reality of a marriage. Two distinctly different individuals coming together. Two strong wills becoming one. I had to learn the hard way that you don't become one just by saying some vows and consummating the marriage. Becoming one takes tonnes of hard work. Hard work that sometimes other married couples keep a tight lid on. I used to think, if only I knew how hard this was *insert host of complaints here*. So people don't generally like to talk about difficulties in marriage.

While I am not on a rampage of telling everyone with access to this blog space our deepest, darkest secrets. I will say this: Marriage is hard. Staying married is even harder. Staying in love adn glorifying God in the marriage is the hardest. But, I promise you, just like all those before me have promised me, that if you work at it, and let God be the focus and center of your marriage, it will yield 100 fold 1000 fold blessings, joy, satisfaction, and love that words cannot even begin to describe!

Day by day, we're learning that our oh-so-annoying imperfections are the things that make us, beautifully imperfect! And that these beautiful imperfections are what makes our marriage and us so perfect for each other.

Here's a tribute to my beautifully imperfect peculiar-blur-looking-exceedingly-attractive Chinese man. I love you with all my heart.

P/s. Please watch this video. Very impactful.

The Fear of Brokenness

2009-07-30T16:17:00.003+08:00

Here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness - Kari Jobe "Beautiful"

Darlene Zschech once said that she constantly asks that her heart be broken everyday, so she'd never lose her tenderness and pliability.

To me the word broken meant a big no-no. I do not like nor wish to ever be broken. Being broken is synonymous to pain and suffering - something I spend most of my days trying to avoid. But living in a broken and fallen world means brokenness is inevitable. So futile were my efforts to avoid all pain.

Realised something interesting the other day when I reflected upon suffering and surviving. There's something different about being held in the hands of God and brokenness. Kari Jobe expressed it really well - here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness. (Thank you Bex for recommending this song). It is in the times where I am away from the Protector that I begin to fear brokenness. Conversely, it is in the times when I stay put in His presence, where brokenness becomes sustainable and even desirable. Afterall, He is love, and how broken can you get when you're surrounded, filled, and held in love? Simple enough yet so so hard to constantly remember this.

How often do I allow situations to shape my faith, rather than letting my faith shape situations. Justin reminded me this today: "we don't believe in God because circumstances are favorable to us, we believe in God because of who He is." Amen.

You are For Me

2009-07-22T21:25:00.004+08:00

First heard this song in Hillsong Conference '09. The lyrics of this song swept me off my feet. It felt so personal, so gentle.... I really think this is a beautiful song we girls should learn to sing more. In our quest for self-acceptance and self-love, we often forget that "it is He who first loved us" makes all the difference. Because of who He is and His love for us, we can then love ourselves. When the Creator and King of kings is for us, how can we not find ourselves beautiful, significant, precious, and beloved? This song is for every girl who has gone down the path of self-doubt. Remember who He is and that He has chosen you to be His beloved.

You are for me - Kari Jobe

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi...

2009-07-16T14:00:00.003+08:00

Back from the land down under. Conference was great. But if I could summarize the trip in two words..: Rushed and Cold...

I forgot how biting Aussie weather is... =( And honestly, I was underpacked. But all in all, it was a good trip. Especially back to Adelaide - We plan to visit again =D

So many things to write about. Shall do it when I have the time. =D

Your Name...

2009-07-01T21:20:00.005+08:00

Ever since the start of Masters, I've gradually witness my strength, vigor, and life itself go down the drain. The strain of juggling a full time job, masters, church ministries, wedding prep, marriage, and other life changes all at once took a toll on me, but still I was constantly on the move, looking to the next thing to do and to do it to the best of my abilities.

Then the pregnancy happened, and it was a bout of new hope. Something fresh in my life, like a nice reward after a long season of hardwork and stress. Days after that were tough, and finally the miscarriage happened. For once in my life, I stopped. It was as though my life stopped, even though in reality I knew the world was still spinning on its axis, time was still flying, life was still changing. But for me, life stopped. I stopped.

Soon after, I looked around and people were watching to see how I was coping, some looked with criticisms, some looked with concern, some looked with confusion. And I got up and did what I knew to do - the next thing and do it well.

Somehow I still felt... and still am feeling... empty. I thought that it was the spot baby once occupied. But the sting felt really bad. I've never felt so empty, never felt so dissatisfied, never felt this... weak. I still break down and cry at the littlest things, and juggling work, masters, marriage, and ministry has become tonnes harder than it used to be.

My students have noticed that I've been moodier, my husband has noticed that I pick fights more, and the intensity of our arguments have increased.

Last week I broke down in a pool of tears, at first it was the memory of the ultrasound that brought the tears, then it went deeper... I just felt so alone and so lost. No amount of tears could ease the pain, nothing would make it go away.

I held on to God all this time. I prayed, I cried out to Him, in my desperation I did all I knew how to do. Still nothing.

Last Sunday during worship, we sang Paul Baloche's Your Name. It said, "Your name, is a strong and mighty tower, Your name is a shelter like no other... cause nothing has the power to save but Your name. Then I saw myself desperately holding on to a strong and mighty tower, as though I was holding on to dear life. Then a voice asked why I was holding on to the tower and not going in to the tower. So, maybe I've been holding on to head knowledge of my God instead of experiencing Him. Maybe that's why I haven't been hearing Him, because I've been outside the tower. I asked Him how do I get into the tower... I had no clue how, and I left it as that.

Tonight, another argument broke loose. I don't know who started it, but I know I fueled it. Now I sit reflecting, and I see my ugliness in every corner. How could a person who declared God's grace turn into something so ugly? As this song played on a loop, I got my answer, I had to first let go of my tower before I could enter into it. I had to let go of my hopes, let go of my fears, let go of my own resolve, let go or my own solutions, let go of my head knowledge, let go of everything that defined me. Total trust and total obedience was required of me.

I've heard of total trust and total obedience before... But when I actually stood at the door and read the prerequisites - trust and obedience, fear gripped. Letting go of all these meant letting go of me, letting go of everything I know, letting go of my status quo.

But still He gently beckonds... My name is a strong and mighty tower, My name is a shelter like no other, nothing has the power to save but My name...

Nothing has the power to save but Your name.
I don't have the power to save.

The Dreaded Thesis...

2009-07-01T11:12:00.003+08:00

So, internship is over... finally! One last hurdle to go - thesis & defense. I still don't understand what a Masters in Counseling will require a research thesis! But complaining won't do me any good...

One more mountain to conquer and then I'm finish! Shall keep phD far away from my mind for a few years.

The thing with psychological research is... it's not my strength! I absolutely dread research... and worst thing is the defense! A panel of professors and experts in the field scrutinizing your every hypothesis, research design, results reporting, etc...

Oh Lord... this seems to be an insurmountable task! Lord help...... =(

Of Crashing Lap Tops

2009-06-29T13:03:00.002+08:00

Sigh....... I got the blue screen of death 2 weeks back. Managed to salvage the most important files before having it reformatted. Since then, I've more of less restored it to it's functioning state, but I've been having problems installing Kaspersky (original version ok!). And today, it hung... TWICE!! same symptoms as before... diagonal and horizontal lines all over my display!

GRrrrrr... This is causing me much distress as I've been working on my thesis and I have to literally hit Ctrl + S after every sentence!!!! Once I forgot and I lost one whole paragraph! Need to work on buying a new one when we get back from Aussie.. Oh Lord, I need the money to buy another one... or fix this one... please? =D

I really am distressed.... Talk about feeling insecure now... I'm typing this post with anxiousness.. Don't know if it will hang again... =.=

A Well Needed Break

2009-06-26T10:05:00.002+08:00

God is amazing! We survived internship! 200 hours of personal counseling, 50 hours of group counseling plus course work and all! Now it's just the matter of completing thesis and hooray!

I tell my students to take breaks. Small breaks are effective in so many ways. We're getting a break this weekend. Got tickets to watch Transformers. This will be the first time we've step foot into a cinema in 2009... So sad I know! But it's OK! Soon thesis will be completed, and we'll be masters graduates =D

Thank God for breaks and thank God for providence!

Of Changeling and Endings

2009-06-20T23:15:00.002+08:00

I had a well deserved break this evening. Managed to cuddle up with Justin to watch a movie - Changeling. I don't know if I would recommend this movie to anyone... Because it didn't really have a happy ending. For me, when I watch a movie, the most important thing is the ending. Which is why even if the show is the most boring one on earth, I'll have to stick to the end to see what the "ending" is all about.

This movie, based on a true story, showed how determined a mother can be. Despite having all odds against her, she stuck through till the day she died.

If you've watched the movie, what I'm going to say should make more sense. At the end of the movie we both had one question "How can God watch all this and not inflict these monsters with fury from hell?" In the end Justin got an answer: He is God... and He knows their ending. God knows exactly how we're going to end our lives if we continue on our paths or shift paths midway.

Which brings me to the subject of 'endings'. Many times we do things without the "ending" in mind. Usually for younger people like myself (hehehe), youths, and children. The concept of "ending" seems hard to grasp. During childhood, we're roaming free, with subjective concepts being hard to grasp. Then at the age of 10 or so, we start looking up to teenagers, the supposed "cool" people, we aspire to one day "grow up" and for our lives to "start". Few short years later, we become teenagers, thinking that our life has begun when in actual fact it began the day you were conceived. So we go about fantasizing how life would be perfect if we didn't have parents nagging, didn't have rules to follow, and we were "grown up". Another few short years later, we become adults and we believe that by some stroke of magic when we turn 21, LIFE as we've planned and fantasized would finally start.... Only to be greeted by the harsh realities of life... that life isn't all that. Extra freedom = extra responsibilities. Extra money = extra bills. Extra room to make choices = extra room to fail miserably.

We wait our entire life for Life to start, only to find out (I hope sooner than later) that life is what we have now. Not in the past, not in the future.

I need to start living every "now" with the "ending" in mind. Because I never know when I'll reach the end. I don't want to be caught off guard and have to beg for mercy, for another day, another second, another chance.

Life is build upon every moment of "now" that we have. Choose your now's cautiously, for you never know when you'll run out of them. Every beginning has an end, do you know when your's will be?

Surfing the waves

2009-06-14T16:51:00.004+08:00

Recently read a devotional article where the author presented both sides of stormy seas. In a nut shell, you could either surf on it, or try to swim your way outta if which may eventually land you exhausted and you may just drown.

When the miscarriage (yes, still talking about it, cause there's so much to say!!) happened, we never asked why us. The question somehow was redundant. But people around us did. One dear dear friend asked, "but you're so close to God, how can He let this happen to you?". I answered, why not me? I'm not that all special also. *Stunned* God didn't promise me sunshine, He said rain will fall on EVERYONE (close to Him or not). God didn't promise me a trouble-free life, He promised me a good life. And as we know life in itself spells trouble. He didn't promise me smooth sailing rides and easy-to-walk roads, in fact the way to heaven is long, winding, and narrow.

So where did the misunderstanding come about? When do we, Christians, start thinking that now that we have God, everything will be perfect?

Please read on.

What God did promise is that He will hold me up so that my foot will not hit the ground. He said that He knows the plans He has for me, which are good plans to prosper and to give me a good life. He said that all who are weary and heavy laden can come to Him and they will find rest. He said that we can hide in the shadow of His wings. He said that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will be found. And the list goes on!

I found the answer in the lyrics of the song Held by Natalie Grant. "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." Such was the promise, that the God that we know, love, and serve has us in the palm of His Mighty hand. That come what may, He will have us held.

Because He is God, because He is the heavenly Father, because He is the creator of the universe, and because He is Almighty, we found that we could trust in Him, and to ultimately say that being held in the hands of God is more than enough. In fact it's the best place to be.

People grieve because they remember what they've lost. I had to rework my life to say goodbye to the plans and memories, to the could haves. I went about telling Justin, we would've made wonderful parents. All the shoulds, woulds, coulds have a way of making the grieve heavier. When we were done looking at things we've lost (actually it was me, Justin pretty much saw this earlier than I did), I turned to the only person I could - Jesus. And the peace came - not as a feeling - but as a new sense of understanding that we have indeed been held in His hands and we were surfing this big wave.

Before this, I only imagined what my faith would be like if a terrible thing would've happen to me. But it was interesting that when it happened, as sad, grieved, and teary as I was, I not only survived, I thrived. I could still find the joy in me, I could still run to God, I could still comfort others who were feeling for us. That is what being held in the hands of God is. That when you need Him the most, you WILL find Him. Sometimes not in the way we wish, but in the way He knows we need. He held me in one piece. I feel like I've been through fire and survived! XD

This feeling is exhilarating!

Everything we have are gifts from God. Car, house, family, job, children, even our lives are gifts from Him. He is the giver, He has the right to decide to whom He would like to give , and from whom He would like to withold. But many times we kick, scream, and throw a fit when we don't get what we ask for or what we want.

The fact is that God has already given us everything we need - Salvation. This period, my definition of the cross was reworked - the cross used to be a place where my sins were forgiven, now it is a place where hope was born, refuge was granted, and a good and prosperous future was promised. Because of the cross, we have hope for an eternal life where we will see our baby again and the pains of this world will end. Because of the cross we can continually and forever find rest in the shadow of His wings. Because of the cross we can be sure that He has already walked the path ahead of us and is gently guiding us to where He wants us to be - don't worry, the journey may seem unpleasant at times, but when we get there, Woo hooo.

We do want to try for another child when the time is right. We can choose to come together, but it is God who will decide to give or not to. If He decides to, HOORAY! But if not, it's really ok cause He is all we need.

I could write a book!

2009-06-05T15:51:00.003+08:00

The title was what I exclaimed to my counseling supervisor/mentor/lecturer when he called to see how we were doing. I've learned so much through this episode. A serious amount in fact. One coping method was to psycho-analyze people who talked/sms/emailed me regarding the issue. My "findings" were interesting. Helped me understand humans a bit more and I think it really added depth to my counseling skills. "If I were to write a book" I told my supervisor, "I'd write about Things not to say to a grieving person". But that's a road I may or may not go down.

It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)

Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.

I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.

Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.

So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.

I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.

If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.

So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.

How I'm doing...

2009-05-24T22:35:00.001+08:00

I think Mercy Me's song homesick says it all.

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Making sense of it all...

2009-05-21T21:05:00.003+08:00

This is a modified excerpt of a message I left one of my former students who was concerned about how we were doing... I'm sure he and many others out there are equally concerned about us... I know some are afraid to ask in fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting us... others are just lost for words... So I thought I'd just let you know how we've been doing 24 hours since the news. It's not easy... and it's going to be a long journey... But that journey has to start somewhere. Better sooner than later.

There no easy way to deal with these parts of life... No one teaches you how to feel, how to react, what to say, and what to think... One moment you're planning a life with this person, and the next he/she's just gone. The word unexpected just doesn't seem to be adequate in this situation.

We did everything right. I ate right, slept early, didn't carry anything heavy, didn't run, didn't jump, went for my regular checkups, stayed away from second hand smoke, took no tinge of alcohol, took my folic acid pills daily, prayed for baby almost everyday... I did all I could to ensure his/her safety. But sometimes, there are things we just cannot control...

So many parts of my heart are aching and I never knew I had these many tears to cry. I know it's the same for Justin... We're both dealing with it in our own ways. But the impact is equal for the both of us as for our families and close friends.

But one thing remains, God is still good. He is so very good. We may not understand why He has to take baby away. Neither do we like it. But He sees things we can't... He knows things we don't... So in times like these... the only way we can survive is to believe and trust in faith that He is God, and He knows what He's doing... There was a reason why He had to take baby home... I will know why when I get home someday.

As for now, we praise God that baby is in heaven, and is spared the many sufferings that this world brings. Right now he/she is safe in the arms of Jesus, playing with the many children there and even with Justin's and my grandpa. Oh how blessed the child is to be born into a world with no tears, no suffering, no pain, only love... tremendous love. I will see my baby when I get to heaven. Although we're not physically parents on this earth... but spiritually we already are...

So does my heart still ache? Yes it does. I'm still tearing at every thought of the baby and what could've been. I am only human... But each time I think of who God is, it hurts less and the pain becomes more bearable. So the song was right... turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim...

Our lives were meant to be living testimonies. This is the testimony of my baby's life.

God is still God, and He is still Good!

2009-05-20T21:13:00.000+08:00

We just received shocking and numbing news... We lost our baby.

Ultrasound scan today showed a 8 week and 1 day old embryo only... when I am supposed to be 11 weeks... No heartbeat was detected... As such, it was concluded that we lost our baby 3 weeks ago.

We really can't begin to express what we're feeling.. mainly because we don't know what we're feeling yet...

But one thing is for sure... God is still God, and He is still Good. We don't know why this happened to us... neither can we guess... But God is in control. Always has always will be...

But thanks for your prayers and support throughout these 11 weeks... I can only thank God that our baby is now safe in the arms of Jesus, in Heaven where he/she belongs... free from suffering. To God be the glory, forever and ever... Amen

God's Providence

2009-05-18T12:52:00.005+08:00

I'm pretty sure there are some people who wonder how Justin and I survive. Mainly pertaining to the financial part. We both don't make substantial amounts of money. Neither are we from rich backgrounds.

I shall reveal our secret today. But let me warn you, you may not like nor believe our secret. You've been warned. =)

I believe that the reason we are doing more than surviving is because of "heritage". Not so much financial heritages or inheritances, but spiritual and practical heritages. Growing up, our parents instilled tonnes of great wisdom and truths that we've seen and realised to be tremendously true and beneficial. Below are these truths/wisdom:

10% of all you earn goes back to God. (aka tithes). This is the first, most important and a no-no to touch. We believe that every cent we make ultimately belongs to God, we are merely stewards (you can debate on this with me another time). That said, in actual fact, 100% of everything we have belongs to Him, but to train us, God requires only 10%.

Give to building/missions pledges. Inline with the above, we see providence as chances to bless others. So while we may not be out in the missions field, the very least we can do is to give. How much to do that... many people have many different ideas and rationalizations. But what has worked for us: we pray about it, and most times, we are challenged with an amount. Then we obey and tell God that we don't know where the money will come from, but we want to give ____ amount to you. And every single time, there is always just enough money to fulfill our pledges.

20% of all our paychecks go to the bank to remain untouched.

Bless others. My parents have never let finances stand in between them giving to and blessing others. This spirit of generosity is something we work to instill in our marriage.

Trust God for and in everything. That means sometimes trading our human understanding for heavenward understanding, learning to see God in everything, and not questioning Him.

So there you have it. 5 simple guidelines we abide to. We've been married since Dec 2007. We own a house, a car, and a baby is coming along the way. Still our trust remains in the Lord - the Maker of everything. =)

To God be the Glory. All Glory!

Something nice

2009-05-09T18:11:00.002+08:00

I think I watched Wedding Singer. I think...

But here's something I found on Youtube. Really nice... Guys, really... try to be romantic lah... like this guy... I know it's Hollywood and all but... oh well...

Enjoy...

At the Cross

2009-05-09T09:03:00.003+08:00

Once again, I'm draw back to the Cross. Where it all begun.

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x2)

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x4)

It was Him, it is Him, and it shall always be Him. Not husband, not child, not family, not friends, not money, not career, not a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction... but Him. It is He that is constantly with me, it is He that constantly loves me, it is He who wants me to be nothing but myself, it is He who I will see face to face when the earth fades and falls from my eyes. Not husband nor child, not family nor friends, not money nor career, not a sense of fulfillment nor satisfaction.

This fact helps me live on longer, fight harder, cry lesser, rejoice more. Knowing that the only person capable of being here for me from beginning to end, is the only one who will constantly, continually, never ceasingly, always always love me for me. That is the Cross for me. That He saw me first, chose me first, loved me first. Such is the GREATNESS and LOVE of our FATHER, our GOD and KING.

Updates on me

2009-05-08T15:25:00.003+08:00

Feeling great this week! After the horrid fever on Sunday and Monday, I've recovered, and had a pleasant pleasant surprise! I've not been feeling nausea or gastritis!!! HOORAY!! All I can say is, THANK YOU GOD! and I never knew feeling normal was soo WONDERFUL!!!!

Interesting thing popped up yesterday evening, I've been feeling pains in my tail bone area, mainly pain in the bones... Interesting. Did some reading and it could be because of the enlargements that have to take place in the pelvic area to make room for baby =D

Watching and experiencing my body grow is so exciting!! So much needs to be done, so many adjustments - and it all happens naturally and automatically! What a great, great Creator our God is!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

2009-05-06T10:04:00.002+08:00

HELLO READERS!!!

I am perky and chirpy!!! Yes I am!!! Got a fever on Sunday, which lead me on a horrid horrid Monday quarantine at home! But as of last night, I've felt something I've not felt in a while: I felt NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes NORMAL!!

I told Aunty Noreen, that I never knew feeling normal was soooooo WONDERFUL!!!! No nausea, no fever, no headaches, no sore throat, no bloatedness, no gastric, NOTHING. I FELT NORMAL!!!!! Thank You God for creating normal!!!!! I felt so energetic that I actually dragged Justin along for some minor grocery shopping and a walk around the housing estate!!! I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!!

But that was yesterday, this morning I woke up feeling really good as well. But now, my abdomen's feeling rather tender, bloaty, and sore. Wonder if it's because the pants I'm wearing is a little fitting. =/

But I'm still rejoicing!!!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for NORMAL!!! I simply CANNOT wait until the second trimester arrives!!! I have lots of shopping to do. =D Muahahahahaha.

And I also want to take this opportunity to thank my darling darling husband *clap clap clap* and family *clap clap clap*. Justin was waiting on me hand and foot, taking care of my every need when I was under the weather. My family has been very supportive, especially mom and lynn. =D I love you guys very very very very extra much!!! MUAhahahahah. Gosh, I'm so happy I feel like dancing!!!! XD

Feeling Bloated!

2009-05-02T21:25:00.002+08:00

This week, our bub turns 9 weeks old! *clap clap clap* Lots of progress for the little bub. As of 2 weeks ago, I've been experiencing morning sickness. No actual vomiting, but feeling nausea and sick the whole morning till late afternoon isn't fun at all. Thank God, there is a remedy... never, NEVER let the tummy go hungry.. NEVER! Once it's empty, that's it.... acid builds up, and I get horrid gastritis and nausea. So for that to work, I have to constantly shove food into my mouth... Not a very pretty sight. One of my students Brandon always manages to catch me when I'm shoving food in...

Other than that, there is also a no-no when it comes to stuffing the tummy. Eat just enough to have it 80% full, but NEVER 100% or more, as that will cause more discomfort. Which is what I am currently feeling. Ate dinner at my mother's tonight, and the taste of home-cooked food from mom was so enticing to the taste buds. I thought I ate just the right amount, but I got tempted when she brought out Japanese pears and seedless oranges... Alas.... I had one too many and now I'm paying the price.

But all in all, I really would like to highlight how GREAT God has been! The morning sickness could've very well been much worse! In all of this, I thank God for a WONDERFUL husband who has been waiting on me hand and foot... I know it's not easy... Honey, I love you very very very much! And what is very assuring is that I know at this very second, my Creator is with our child, shaping and forming him/her, right now, their spirits may be linked already! Just that thought is so reassuring because I know he/she is in the best possible hands!

I'm looking forward to the next time I get to see our bub: on 20th May. by that time he/she should be about 11 weeks. =D Exciting!!!!!!!

Aloneness vs Loneliness

2009-04-24T10:47:00.002+08:00

Aloneness
adj.

Being apart from others; solitary.

Loneliness
adj.

Without companions; lone.

Aloneness vs, Loneliness. We've all been there at one point or another. Alot of times aloneness is really welcomed, but not so much with loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling that no one is covering your back, it's the feeling that you have to constantly be on your guard in case something goes wrong. It's the feeling that you have to run for shelther under a rock or a tree when a storm arrives, it's the feeling of lots of helplessness and hopelessness. It's just the feeling that you have no one and belong no where.

I feel that many times. I used to think that after I find my soulmate, I'll be fine. After I get married I'll cease to be lonely. Wrong. Very wrong.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's my pregger's hormones going haywire. But I just feel so.... lonely.

You know better than I

2009-04-17T20:24:00.002+08:00

A while ago, Mishie sent me a soundtrack from the animation King of Dreams - You know better than I. It has touched me in so many ways.

Today again, I am reminded that He knows so so so much better than I. No shame in it, because it once again gave me rest and relief. To know that I may screw up big time, but He knows better than I, and is better than I. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be His.

Are you sinless?

2009-04-11T12:10:00.004+08:00

A day Christ suffered and died for sins He never committed. The word suffered is such a common word. We say, I'm suffering from a flu, I'm suffering a back pain, I'm suffering from constipation.

The true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ, NO man can comprehend. We cannot reenact the crucifixion, neither can we try to understand what it must have took for Christ to suffer the weight of obedience even till death. It was not the mere physical torture inflicted upon a human body - Many devotees practice self-mutilation by reenacting the crucifixion scene for various reasons. But it was not the mere physical torture that caused Christ's heart to be heavy even till death. It was the weight of the sins of EVERY single human being who had, was, and would ever walk the earth. It was the weight of the sins of such a infinite number of people. It was the guilt, sin, shame, abandonment, loneliness, and ugliness of human nature ever since the fall of Adam until the destruction of the earth.

Yet when we gaze upon the cross, we have such little understanding of the true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ. We mock the cross in so many ways.

We hardly dwell upon the weight of the cross. We hardly feel or recognize that Christ died for the sins we've done, are doing, and WILL continue to do. We do not feel that we need deliverance, salvation, and forgiveness. We do not recognize that we are sinners.

God came for the sinners, not the righteous. It is the sick who need a doctor, not the healthy. Is there a healthy person? Is there a righteous person? By what measure do we determine a righteous or unrighteous person? By what merit system can one obtain righteousness? By what deeds can one lesson the guilt of sin? By what means can one be sinless? Is there any sinless person upon the face of this earth? Is there anyone who has NEVER sinned in their lives? Never told a lie? Never stole anything? Never thought a dirty lustful thought? Never wished another person dead? Have you never sinned?

How then can we assume we are without fault? without sin? without the NEED to be redeemed, forgiven, saved?

This Good Friday, I realized that to begin to understand the sacrifice of Christ, the passion of Christ, the love of Christ, the sufferings of Christ, prerequisites the understanding of how much a sinner you are, the ugliness of your life, and how helpless and incapable you are to save your own soul.

Without the knowledge of how much a sinner you are, you simply cannot see Christ, you cannot understand. You will not understand.

It is by His sheer mercy and grace that you realize how much you need God today. And realize that He is the ONLY Way, the ONLY Truth, and the ONLY Life.

Let's stop playing games, let us look at ourselves for what we're truly worth today. Let us see pass our own defense mechanisms, let us look into the depths of our souls and see ourselves for what and who we are. Then maybe we'll begin to understand the sufferings of Christ.

In HIM, all things hold together

2009-04-02T10:02:00.006+08:00

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together - Colossians 1:17 NIV

Visit: .:Baby Steps:.

Before we got married, things on the discussion list included 'having children'. I was very vocal about wanting to have kids - 2 in fact. And my then, dear hubby-to-be, often replied with a nice obliging smile. We'd talk about how we'd raise our kids, what values we'd like to instill, how we'd teach him/her to put God first, to love God, and to serve Him.

But the general understanding was that there was to be a 2 years gap before the baby for us to get used to each other, build a strong foundation for our family, and enjoy each others' company. However, somewhere between the engagement period and 2-3 months after we got married, a miscommunication came about: on my side of the fence, the 2 years meant, baby would be born somewhere nearing our 2 years of marriage; for Justin, it meant baby "production" would start after 2 years of marriage. Long story short, we discussed and decided that we'd start baby production this July after coming back from Aussie. That time, masters would be done, we'd just returned from a wonderful holiday, so our bodies and minds would've been seemingly relaxed and ready for baby production! What a beautiful and perfect plan right?

So ever since we got married, we've been very careful. Diligently counting fertile dates, and staying away from them. It has worked marvelously! Kudos kudos to us! But last month, my cycle decided to go haywire, and ovulation came MUCH earlier. That was it. 2 weeks down, I felt weird.... somehow felt that I was pregnant. Of course to my logic-driven hubby, it was just me being paranoid. So we bought a pregnancy testing kit (PTK) and it came out negative. Justin had a smug victorious face, kinda like... "phew, that was close!". While I was more disapointed than happy. So life went on as usual, until 3 weeks after that when my period didn't come and I really started feeling weird. So I bought 2 tests. Last Saturday (28/2/09) night after dinner, I took the test, peed into a cup, and dipped it in. I watched as the PTK soaked up the urine, and went through the test region, all I saw was watermarks, nothing else. Disapointed, I packed up everything and tossed them in the trash. Turned around to get the PTK, and saw 2 lines... one control line and a faint test line... My heart must've stopped as I yelled, DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forwarding the story, we concluded that since that was a cheap PTK, it could've been a mistake. Next morning, we tested with a ClearBlue PTK. This time, Justin was the one who handled the dipping. And the positive mark was superbly clear and dark. We stared at it, studied it, studied the box, studied it again... and all we could say was... "wow..... wow...... wow".

Met the gynae yesterday (wednesday, 1/4/09) and it was confirmed - WE'RE PREGNANT!!! But we couldn't see the embryo yet as it's still tiny. So till date, I'm 5 weeks along! Scheduled to go back in 3 weeks to check if the embryo is properly rooted in the uterus where it's supposed to be. I announced to my family and a few close friends yesterday and some didn't believe because of the irony of April 1st. Sigh.

Due date is approx 4th Dec 2009. And I thought posting on the blog will be a good way to announce this. =D

So to those who are concerned about us, we'll need your support. For those who worry if we can handle this, we say, we have God on our side - our Maker, rock, and teacher.

Tall Oaks from Little Acorns grow.

2009-03-24T10:57:00.003+08:00

David Everett (1769-1813)

You'd scarce expect one of my age
To speak in public on the stage;
And if I chance to fall below
Demosthenes or Cicero,
Don't view me with a critic's eye,
But pass my imperfections by.
Large streams from little fountains flow,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

I'm a little acorn!! Woo Hooo!!!

Graduation

2009-03-21T09:55:00.002+08:00

Hello hello!!

Masters has been dragging on FOREVER!!! But looking at schedule, I should be able to finish by June! WOO HOO. HELP UC now has this really cool online experiment site, where students publish their research titles and available time slots, and participants sign up online. It was really exciting watching people sign up for the sessions, kinda like watching the stock market! XD

But thank God, the numbers are rolling in, and my sessions are filling up. Thanks to Jenn Ming who helped promote my research to his classmates. Thank you thank you Ming!!! So come next Friday, I'll begin the first session of data gathering for the long awaited dissertation.

The thing is, I used to absolutely dispise research. But this time it's different, I am excited and passionate about my research! Goodness! Must be getting this from Justin.

So, watch out for my formal announcement on graduation some time in June =D

Love

2009-03-13T10:12:00.003+08:00

Love brings out the best and worst in people. Successful marriages = when the best's outweighs the worst's.

Smooth Jazz

2009-03-10T16:03:00.003+08:00

My latest craze is Peter Cincotti. His piano skills are just AMAZING!!! Heard him on Lite.fm's Swing time every Sunday night - Good stuff.

Jazz notes... jazz chords.... Ahhhhh~~~ Any suggestions for smooth jazz songs? Justin and I appreciate the suggestions!

So small

2009-02-28T09:51:00.002+08:00

Carrie Underwood's song "So Small" really sums up the impact of perspectives and how perspectives we choose cause us to see our 'grains of sand' as unconquerable mountains. Choice Theory is right, at the end of the day, we choose our paths and how we feel. This song has been inspirational. Enjoy.

So Small
-Carrie Underwood

What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Beautiful...

2009-02-27T21:05:00.004+08:00

Appreciate the Little Things

2009-02-26T20:28:00.002+08:00

Learn to appreciate the little things, then you will have the character to appreciate the bigger ones.

I need to learn this lesson.

Read a little write up about Positive Psychology (good stuff!), and their premise is simple: when people are happy they are relaxed, when they are relaxed they are productive, when they are productive they will automatically be able and willing to give more than required.

Made me think, I used to do this quite often, to look at the good things. But seeing so many people and listening to their problems, just made it harder to remember that... no wonder why I'm dreading doing the things I am. Need to start looking and digging up the good stuff and turning a blind eye to the bad. =D

Another thing to add to the list: Look for the good!

Malachi 3:3

2009-02-24T15:28:00.002+08:00

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith,'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

Another one from Crosswalk

2009-02-24T15:21:00.001+08:00

I really love cross walk's devotionals, they speak such life and such wisdom from ordinary women like me, answering an extraordinary call or being a child of God, a wife, a mother. Hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me.

How is Your Marriage?

Melissa Taylor

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

Devotion:

A while ago, I wrote a devotion where I revealed portions of my past that continue to affect my marriage today. I followed that up with another one recounting the struggle I've had being intimate with my husband. I received hundreds of letters from women of all ages who could relate to what I had written. Because I also reported that my marriage was now thriving, I received a lot of questions and concerns:

"How did your marriage go from just surviving to thriving?"

"What if your husband won't go to counseling?"

"I don't love my husband anymore; what do I do?"

"My husband doesn't make me feel good; he doesn't even notice me."

"I'm exhausted from trying to be happy."

"All my husband wants is sex; I'm just too tired."

"What if your husband is not a Christian?"

"That's great for you, but what about me?"

I wish I was equipped to answer these questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to Someone who could answer all of our questions for us? We can.

One thing that helped me was prayer. I know that sounds simple. I also know it's not. It can be difficult to pray and be satisfied with God's response. We need to be committed to receiving what God offers, not just asking for what we want.

For years, I spent my time praying for God to change Jeff, my husband. I blamed Jeff for me not feeling good about myself and my life. I thought:

If he would only pay more attention to me ... then I'd be happy.

If he would just be more romantic ... then I'd be fulfilled.

I wish he understood me.

He loves his work more than me.

I wish he would read the Bible more, or pray with me.

I bought the book, Power of a Praying Wife, certain if I began praying diligently for my husband everything would be fixed. I opened the book, ready to change my husband through prayer. Imagine my surprise when the first thing the author suggested was that I pray for myself! My intentions in reading this book was to change Jeff through my prayers, not to change me. That really opened my eyes. Maybe God didn't want to change my husband; maybe He wanted to change me!

This shifted my focus on what God could do in and through me. Instead of trying to figure out how His Word applied to everyone else (especially Jeff), I focused on how it applied to me. What a difference that made!

As I prayed for myself, I also began praying for Jeff. This time I stayed out of God's way and let Him work in both our hearts. There was not quick, but steady improvement. Looking back to when I first made the decision to focus more on my role in our marriage and less on Jeff's, and compare it to today, it is like night and day.

I am a wife, but even before that I am a child of God. I pray my marriage lasts forever, but I have no guarantee of that. I do have the guarantee that my relationship with Jesus will. That's the relationship I must work on first. Amazingly, when that one is right, the rest falls into place for me. It doesn't mean that all is well, but it means I am well.

The next time you find yourself yearning for more from your marriage and husband, think about this. Instead of asking, "How is my marriage doing?" or "How is my relationship with my husband?" Ask "How am I doing?" or "How is my relationship with Jesus?"

Dear Lord, help me to turn over all of the desires in my heart to You. Work on my relationships, beginning with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

w1max

2009-02-24T12:52:00.002+08:00

Ok... I sort of forgot to post this up.

2 weeks ago, I returned w1max... =( It was the 13th day of the free trial, and I reluctantly returned it. Reason being: too expensive for now. RM99 is Rm33 extra from what we're paying for streamyx. It would be cheaper if we gave up our home land line. But.... for obvious reasons we can't. So in short, we decided to return it.

WE LOVED THE SPEED!!!! We seriously did... but when it came down to how much we'd actually need the extra speed, we realised that we could live without the speed. T_T

It's been 2 weeks since w1max was sent away, and I have been missing every moment of it! Sigh. STREAMYX... you were supposed to be equally fast!!! Why oh why!!! Sigh....

Now Justin's actually thinking of just paying the extra for w1max. Fingers crossed! =D

Pause Before Reacting

2009-02-19T21:01:00.000+08:00

Taken from Crosswalk's Encouragement for Today

by Lysa TerKeurst

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

Devotion:

A few years ago, Art and I hit a rough place financially. Some investments we'd made went bad and we lost nearly our entire life savings. I was knee deep in 3 small children at the time and hadn't a clue that financial danger was looming on the horizon.

That is until Art came home one day and the look on his face spoke of utter defeat. How could we have lost so much? He'd been wise with our finances. He'd done his research. He was a faithful saver. I stood stunned in our foyer that day, as Art told me the news.

There were many different directions my reaction could have gone in the minutes that followed. I was upset. When Art first talked of making these particular investments, I shared with him that I didn't have a good feeling about it. But, in the end, I let him make the final decision.

So many times in my marriage, I've chosen the wrong words - words that were tainted with bitterness, words that were emotionally toxic. But I'm so thankful the Lord had been working on preparing my heart for this moment and instead of reacting immediately with what would have been a disastrous response, I paused. I allowed the Holy Spirit a few seconds to interrupt my natural flesh feelings.

Then, because of God's Spirit working in me, I was able to wrap my arms around my husband and speak life-giving words into his weary heart. "I love you Art. I loved you yesterday when we had everything. I love you today when we have nothing. I love you for who you are, not what you have."

A few years later, Art and I were on Dr. Dobson's Focus on the Family radio program. On the show Art was asked, "I know you and Lysa had a rough start to your marriage. But what happened that made you know you'd stick by her forever, no matter what?"

Without hesitation, Art recounted my reaction over the lost investments.

I cried.

Had I been left to my own flesh reaction that day, it could have set us on the road to marital disaster. But, because of God's response being stored up in me, this situation wound up bringing us closer together than we'd ever been.

I realized how crucial it is to always be aware of God's preparation in our lives. Because He stands in our yesterday, today and tomorrow, He sees all. And He knows the perfect way to prepare our hearts for every situation.

When we embrace His preparations, even a girl with firecrackers in her blood like me can have reactions that honor God and breathe life into relationships.

Dear Lord, remind me to pause before I react. Sometimes the stresses of life pull at my emotions, which cause me to have reactions that tear at my relationships. Please forgive me for poor reactions in my past. Thank You for second chances. Thank You for the way You prepare my heart for everything You see that I'll be facing today, tomorrow and in all my tomorrows to come. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Mercy Ministries

2009-02-17T10:37:00.002+08:00

.:Something close to my heart:.

Some thoughts

2009-02-17T09:58:00.002+08:00

In the quest for self-development, I often ask myself:
What have I done today?
Why did I do the things I did?
Were my intentions right?
Did I please God?

Not because I am trying to be super-spiritual / righteous. That is not possible. Through learning and life, I've come to understand that this is the way I find balance. By focusing on an unchanging God, I find my balance.

Before Masters, time to reflect was abundant. In Aussie, reflecting became second nature and it was done every other day. But it is with much pain that I say since Masters, there just hasn't been time to reflect. As a result, I've been off tangent and reflection is done only when stress boils over... for a long while now. Actually since practicum started mid last year.

Change is a prerequisite of any counseling relationship. Change for both client and counselor. These few months of counseling have only served to confirm this. At this point, I am exhausted. I've been crying so much lately I don't know why. I get tired so quickly and easily, even when I've had more than enough sleep. It now takes double or triple the effort to stay afloat - to tell myself that I'm still doing OK, not perfect but still OK.

But life is a big lemon fan, the minute I've managed to pull myself together, another big fat sour lemon is thrown my way. Such is life. Recently I was reminded that no matter how hard I try, now nice I am, how right my intentions are, how flawless I've performed there will always be someone who will not approve. Somewhere, something, someone will manage to point out something of me that's not OK.

Key thing I've learned through past few weeks' supervision is to acknowledge the person of the counselor. Being so caught up with how others' are feeling, what others' think, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, will cause us to forget the person of the counselor and eventually drive us insane. In short, we have to find this balance between loving and pampering the self before we can help others.

My current state is that of a wreck in need of a serious overhaul which is being helplessly wheeled into a garage. I have lost my balance.

I sort of currently in the middle of loving myself and caring for others. I am not doing both well by any measure. Apparent in my current physical state and in the feedback I've been getting. I've not been very nice lately - moody to be exact. If I've in any way offended you of late, I apologize.

Oh God, I need to find my balance!! I need to live again! Reflection beckons... tonight maybe.

A Valentine's prayer

2009-02-13T19:46:00.003+08:00

As we soul-search and brain-wreck to find the best things to write on V-day cards, to find the best place to go or the best gift to give, take time to reflect on the author and founder of love. Ever loving, ever patient, it was He who first loved us. And because of Him, we can now truly love. Here's a prayer take off from Crosswalk's "Encouragement for Today".

Dear Lord, Thank You for first loving me, and for showing me what love truly is. I'm so grateful You invited me to be Yours. Like a bouquet of exquisite roses in a simple earthen vase, I treasure Your presence in this "jar of clay." May others see You displayed in me this Valentine's, in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Happy Valentine's! As my student so wisely put it, V-day isn't just for lovers, it's a great time to remember and cherish those whom you love and who love you - family, friends alike!

Half Empty or Half Full?

2009-02-11T12:50:00.003+08:00

Last October, we decided to start planning for our trip to Australia (Sydney) in 2009. That time, the feud between AirAsia and MAS had just started getting interesting. The best possible deal then was MAS's super saver return ticket to Melbourne at RM1,800 (including taxes etc.). Compared to Air Asia's close to RM2,000 to Melbourne. Direct flights to Sydney were about RM4k+. So that was it, we decided to buy return tickets KL-MLB via MAS and trasit to SYD via Virgin Blue.

Yesterday, MAS in its competition frenzy, introduced super saver rates to other places including Sydney!! Return tickets KL-SYD = RM1,600. At that point, I felt like my whole universe crumbled... I coul've easily saved RM 1,100 per person... Sigh... Imagine how far that amount could've stretched in Aussie??

Called Justin, and he reminded me about a few truths (nice counseling skills dar XD) and he was supportive through it all, despite actually having to spend a whooping RM2,200 extra, he reassured me over and over that all was still good! But the most insightful thing was what Jenn Ming said to me "Sher, you're still going to Australia! Should thank God weh" That got me thinking, Half Empty or Half Full? Funny isn't it? How we easily zoom in on the half empty part, and take trips down "if-only" road, take "what-if" stops, and wallow in "I should've" pools.

I may have, on hind sight, ended up causing the darling hubby to fork out more money, but Heck, I'm still going to Aussie!!! God is still good, God still provides more than we hope for or dream! The more than I hope for part in this was a deeper understanding of just how patient, forgiving, and supporting my husband is. =D Ooo one more thing, because we're flying to MLB first, we're actually spending 2 nights there! Muahahahaha! I may be lowering cognitive dissonance, but aren't paradigm shifts partly made of that? =D

Sooooooo the glass is HALF FULL BABY!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

w1max update no. 4

2009-02-10T12:31:00.003+08:00

To counter the problem of our modem router assigning IPs by itself, Justin bought me an Ethernet cable, so it's plug-in all the way. w1max has been superb, clear signals, fast downloads, but I have no idea how to find out how much of the 20Gbs I've used. Any ideas?

w1max update no. 3

2009-02-05T20:21:00.002+08:00

Hmmmm.... Connection was ok la today. Fast but not as fast. speedometer showed 1.2Mbps. Not bad, but once I jab it into the router, it dies. sigh... So I've concluded, it's the router. We have a D-Link Modem router, the modem functions should be the problem. So, w1max has been performing well so far =D

w1max update no. 2

2009-02-04T17:25:00.004+08:00

Just shy of 24 hours since I praised w1max, it failed me!!! Last night was horrendous! I took us one hour to log on, even with the direct plug in! Gosh =.= And when I could finally log on, only facebook and blogger was fast, other webpages especially google based ones, were dead slow!

But here I am now, and everything's back to normal, exceptionally high speeds, instant log on... =/ It's like a yoyo! sigh. Leon said the tower was probably malfunctioning last night.

w1max update no. 1

2009-02-02T18:06:00.003+08:00

Sales person said activation will take 12 hours, we tried it last night at 10-ish, so that made it about 7 hours from sign-up. And we got connected!! Speedometer showed 1.5Mbps. =D heh heh heh. Had a slight problem with the router, but with some help, the all-wonderful, all-intelligent hubby got it working! And after using it since morning, my first impressions of w1max = VERY GOOD!

Only prob is the 20gb cap. But we figured, we never go anywhere near 20gbs anyway. So, for now, chances are pretty high that we'll be keeping w1max! =D

w1max

2009-02-01T15:54:00.003+08:00

We just signed up for the much hyped-up w1max! Current promotion: 15 days pay nothing trial. Takes them about 12 hours to activate it, so we won't be able to tell how well it performs just yet. Shall update when we've tested it. Package is at 99RM per month for 1.2Mbps mobile broadband. Certainly better than our current Streamyx package. After testing it out for a few days, we'll have to decide to switch or not to switch. If we do make the switch, next decision: to keep or not to keep our current land line. Decisions, decisions, decisions. But on the plus side, the w1max modem looks real pretty. Hohoho.

The God shaped void

2009-01-31T08:59:00.002+08:00

Reality therapist assert that there are five basic needs: survival, power/recognition, love & belonging, freedom, fun. Christians (actually Justin thought of it) would take Reality therapy and add another dimension - God.

Last night one of the discussion questions in cell was the feeding hands of God. Justin asked what we were all feeding on, no not food. But what was fun to us, what we went to when we felt like crap, what we were drawn to when we wanted to escape - those are exactly what we feed on. Then he went on to say that we all need God whether we like to admit or not, and the moment we're not feeding on God, we are feeding on something else. Think about it, why do we do the things we do? Are we all aimless mindless beings that wander through our lives being helplessly drawn to things that somehow give us 'pleasure'? To most people it may seem that way, test yourself by answering this question: Why do you do the things you do?

.
.
.
.
.
.

If you answered any of these:
because it is nice.
I dunno.
I just do it la.
Huh?
because la...

chances are you're not aware of yourself yet.

Fact is, human beings are intentional. What that means is that what ever we do is intentional, there is a purpose and meaning behind what we do and why we choose to do those things. So, if I am drawn to the television, after a bad day, all I want to do is to sit in front of the tele and watch. That's my fix, that's what I feed on and I do it because it provides a temporary relief from that bad sucky day. Temporary relief from the things we feel when that God shaped void is empty. Again, I said 'temporary'. Temporary because whether we like to admit or not, we all are born with a God shaped void, and no amount of fixes, can fix that empty crappy feeling you get at the end of a long hard day but God. Those who have tasted God's grace and goodness will know this. But a sad fact is, that it doesn't get any harder to run away from God after we've tasted His goodness.

One person once said, the love of God puts us in awe, but it is the same love of God that scares us. Of the many things in the world, people seem to shun God, run away from Him. Why? I have a few hypotheses, but shall not dive into it now.

This God shaped void is the cause of many a man's fears and uncertainties towards death. Not just because of the life-after-death drama; but there's just so many more tell tale signs,

the whole judgment of worth and value (what have I accomplished in my stay on earth? Will people forget me when I'm gone?),
judgment of meaning of life (so what is life really all about? 70 years on earth and then what?)
fears of losing loved ones (I will never see those I love again, will I be all alone?),
uncertainty (what will happen to the people I love when I'm gone?) etc.

We all have a God shaped void - the sooner we realise it's there the better. Why fight so hard? The very fact that you're fighting it, means you are acknowledging it exists, cause how can you fight something that doesn't exist?

You are searching for god, the idea of God in his essential being. You seek perfection and it lies in everything that happens to you - your suffering, your actions, your impulses are the mysteries under which God reveals himself to you. - Jean-Pierre de Caussade

What's your fix? What do you feed on? How long more are you going to feed on temporal things? Taste and see that the Lord is good... those who drink of Him will thirst and hunger no more.

Photography

2009-01-30T11:00:00.008+08:00

As many of you know, my brother is currently into photography. This is one person who once determined, will go all out into the pursuit of his hobbies! His latest craze is photography. And I must say, is way healthier than his previous crazes like... ahem... anime... and ahem... comic books... But... that's only in my opinion lah. His skills have been improving by miles! And this year as belated birthday and Christmas presents (erm.. 2 years worth of birthday and Christmas presents to be exact), daddy bought him a Canon EOS 50-D. Too bad I wasn't there to see the silly smirk on his face he always has while he tries in vain to hide what's bursting to come out from within.

The upside of having a brother who is trying to master the art of photography is..... that he will need MODELS/subjects!!! Wahahahahahaha! We the family have been privilleged enough to be his photography subjects =D . It's a win-win situation! He gets to practice, and we get pictures!!

This CNY, more beautiful pictures were produced!

These are my favorite. He has more, shall wait for him to post it on his blog.

Online Shopping is Addictive!!

2009-01-30T10:46:00.003+08:00

One of the great things about studying abroad was that I had my own credit card linked to my own account. Which meant, I managed my money entirely. No parents to interrogate me when the credit card bill of my supplementary card came. Nope. Nothing of that sort.

So the whole 100% personal credit card brought shopping to a whole new level! Kick started by my dad of course. See, my dad is a techie (serious techie), so one day, while chatting on MSN, he popped the question - Why don't you go buy yourself an ipod. O_O So what does one do when one's father offers the chance to purchase oneself a new ipod? TAKE THE OFFER LAH!!! So take the offer I did!! Muahahahaha! Dad found out that in Aussie, I was able to get a 20% student discount if I bought it directly from their website. I logged in, and that was my first internet purchase.

Then I wanted a proper case for the ipod, since the one I knitted just couldn't cushion it well enough. That's when I stumbled upon ebay. Heard of it previously but had never ventured into its deep dark realm. Long story short... I was hooked onto online shopping and ebay became my good friend. Sighs.

Took me a while to actually snap out of it. But when I did, THANK GOD!

It has been 4 years since I stepped foot into ebay. Last week, in his neverending quest of guitar perfection, the hubby dilligently browsed, researched, calculated, analyzed, browsed, researched, calculated, analyzed the web again and again for the best bargains on his Seymour Duncan Jazz Zebra neck pickup (yeah, heard so much bout it that I actually remember its full name). The result: A great steal from ebay.com. Since I already had an account with ebay, I did the purchasing for him... and that was it! The tightly sealed door to that dark realm was yanked open!! Since then I've been surfing online for online boutiques, beading supplies what not. =( but......Thank God! I've not made any purchases in these 2 days... there have been temptations... check that.... MANY temptations. But I'm still holding strong! Gosh, I'm going to need to get the hubby to change my password and keep it hidden from me!! Bahhhh.

Say No to Addictive online shopping! Tak Nak!

Fly Birdie Fly...

2009-01-17T21:37:00.004+08:00

One of the pros/cons of working in a place such as homeschool, is the relationships built with people. People who somehow wiggle into your heart, find a place there, and never leave! Ever since stepping into the doors of Vineyard Resource as a supervisor in 2006, my life has changed - quite a bit actually. In 2007, I experienced my first "birds flying out of the nest" episode. Weird and foreign feelings filled me which I later identified as the "empty nest syndrome". Problem was, I was not a parent, certainly not their parents, neither were they my children. But still I felt this sore emptiness, kinda as though I had lost something.

Then in 2008, more birdies flew out of the nest. They had grown up, and outgrown homeschool. It was their time to take on the world! God knows the number of times I'd asked Him if I had done enough or well enough to guide, teach, and impact thier lives for the better. Understanding that I can only do so much, my comfort came from the knowledge that I had done my best. So which each departing student, I wonder if I had done my best.

Last night, two more birdies took flight - this time to Aussie. I guess I've learnt to deal with this sort of experience, so last night, in place of the sore emptiness, was a new emotion - excitement! I was exceedingly excited that Joseph and Mishie were now on their way to an adventure of their lives! New places, new faces, new experiences, new memories! Gosh, it made me miss the time when I was in Aussie. Last night was spent reminiscing the wonderful year in Aussie and a part of me was confident that it would be an even greater experience for them! =)

Desert Song

2009-01-13T22:01:00.008+08:00

Sandra sent this song out for us to learn and practice for this Sunday's worship. I've been hooked to it since. Powerful song. I especially like the last verse. "I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow

Desert Song (Lyrics)
Hillsong - This is Our God

VERSE 1

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that’s within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

VERSE 2

This my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS

I will bring praise I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

VERSE 3

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I’ll stand

BRIDGE

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

VERSE 4

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favour and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

The seed I’ve received I will sow

P.S. I Love You...

2009-01-11T16:19:00.004+08:00

I was told it was a must watch. So watch I did. And I have never cried through a movie before... Seriously, from beginning to end, piece upon piece of tissue... Times like these, I thank God for grace that allows Justin and I still to be together.

So hun, I Love You.

p.s. If you fancy movies about romance (not the chick flick kind, but the deep and real-meaning-of-love kind) watch P.S. I Love You. =)

Humor!!!!

2009-01-10T23:33:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since something tickled my funny bone this much!!! Please check out Andy's aka Momojin latest blog post here. It was really really really funny!! And what's best is the profound meaning at the end. Wisdom + humor + truth all in one short blog post, bliss!!!

Thank you Andy for posting that up!

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

2009-01-09T09:59:00.004+08:00

I really love Proverbs 31 Ministry's daily devotions - Encouragement for today. Got another beautifully written one today and thought I should share this.

.Personal thoughts at the bottom.

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

by Lysa TerKeurst

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew: 7:24-27 (NIV)

Devotion:

Do you know what amazes me about those verses above? Both the person doing right and the person doing wrong experienced hard times. In both cases the rains came, the streams rose, and the wind blew and beat against the house.

Just because we're Christians living out God's principles for life, does not mean we won't face difficult circumstances. The difference being a Christian makes is how the difficulties affect us. If we are hearing and heeding God through our prayer time and reading His Word, then we will be able to stand strong in the storms of life. Our faith will not be shaken and our identity will not be rattled.

I once heard my pastor lament to my husband that sometimes he only feels as good as his last sermon. I can so closely identify with his comment because as a friend, wife, and mother, sometimes I only feel as good as my last interaction with someone close to me. A friend tells me I hurt her feelings and suddenly I feel like a bad friend. I forget to take the cookies I signed up to bring to the church nursery and suddenly I feel unreliable and disorganized. My husband asks me where his passport is, and when I can't find the file, suddenly I feel like a wife that can't be trusted.

The passport thing is still very fresh on my mind because it just happened recently. My normal reaction would have been to get frustrated, short tempered, and beat myself up while tearing the house apart looking for the missing passports.

But God's Spirit spoke to my heart and said, "Let me invade your natural flesh reaction. Call your husband and pray about the passports instead of getting frustrated."

So, Art and I prayed. I went from defining myself as a failure of a wife to being a praying woman who can face a hardship in a godly way. The frustration was diffused and we determined to look at this from God's perspective. If we find the passports, we'll praise God! If we don't find them, we'll see this as God's protection not to go on a planned trip later this month and we'll still praise God.

When hard times come and beat against our stability, we must be determined to hear God's words and put them into practice. Then nothing can topple our peace, security, or true identity.

Dear Lord, Thank You that my identity does not have to be determined by the circumstances of my life. Help me to hear Your Words, put them into practice and stand firm on Your truth. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Proverbs 31 Ministries

****************************************

There's been tonnes of times where I can totally identify with the phrase "I only feel as good as the last interaction". My darling hubs struggles to understand how I can be so inconsistent a lot of times. One morning, I'm dancing tip toed across the hall, but in the afternoon, I'm as grouchy as Oscar the Grouch on a mean grouchy day. The change is 180 degrees almost instantly! And I really don't like that. Some days, there's extra strength and I try hard to change my moods for the better. But other days, fatigue (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) gets me stuck in the rut for a long long time. Then poor hubs is at the receiving end of this. The same thing results each time - I feel horrible, like a monster of a person, weak and defeated.

Today's devotion reminded me that it will always be by HIS strength that I will be able to rise above mood swings and having my emotions and worth defined by my last interaction.

p.s. Thank God for a loving and very very patient husband =D

Role of A Christian Husband and Wife According To The Bible

2009-01-06T15:17:00.002+08:00

Different But Equal

http://www.squidoo.com/happy-christian-family

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. It's no mistake. We are made perfect. We perfectly compliment each other, for one is not without the other.

We are different. Only when we are different, can we COMPLIMENT each other. Different, not better or worse, just different.

But the sad truth is, we as man distorted what God has planned for us and sought to govern ourselves. Women want to be men and men want to be women. The wife wants the husband's role and the husband wants the wife's role.

There's an epidemic going on here. But we are surpressed. This is politically incorrect. Shouldn't women can do anything men can do? Isn't there equality? Shouldn't we choose our own roles?

The Beliefs Of Our World

There are really two domains in this world. The home and the marketplace. In our world, the marketplace obviously dominates. We spend twelve, fourteen hours working in the office. So when a wife was asked to build and take care of the home, it is often seen as a diminishing role.

Why can't I go out to work? Why can't I go to the marketplace to compete? Women can do anything men can do.

The role of building and taking care of the home is definitely NOT a diminishing role. It is a full time job in and by itself. In many ways, it is just as complex as the marketplace. There's your family's hygiene, nutrition, budgeting, finances, decorating your home and theology, etc.

The home, in the bible, is a place very much respected. Jesus said heaven is home to God and those who believe in him. The temple, in the old testament, is God's home. God lives in our body. The home is a place of honor.

When the woman forsake the home for the marketplace, she is really putting her family in danger. Having it all is a myth. God made us with a purpose and assigned us our roles.

When a woman takes care of her home, she is in minister. Serving God and loving the neighbor.

The Role Of The Woman

1 Titus 2:3-5 said "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

The woman is to be home oriented. As I have said, this is not a minor role. This is THE major role. Paul said the woman to build home and the man provide for the home through the participation of the marketplace.

In today's society though, the home is viewed very lowly. It is viewed as a place to sleep and eat so you can go back to the marketplace. Caring for a home is hard work, just as hard as going to the office, and satisfying, just as satisfying as being promoted.

A woman is by nature caring. Look at jobs that require high amount care, like nurses and counselors, isn't the majority women? Women just care more than man. They are more sensitive and more capable of love.

This is because women are made to be men's helpers. Genesis 2:20-22 said, "So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man." Helpers is again not a diminishing role. The Holy Spirit is described in the bible as our helper.

"Modern" women is always thinking, why should I be helper? I want to be the leader or equal. I want to be independent. This is a distorted view. Helper and leader is equal but different. The leader needs the helper and so does the helper need the leader. Women think this way today because we were taught pride is the highest virtue. Your self-esteem is the most important thing in the world. But the bible preaches humility is the highest virtue and love is the most important thing in the world.

A man NEED his wife to be dependent on him. It is very important for a man to feel important. This has nothing to do with self-esteem. This is him. Just like a woman need his husband to love her. That is her. We are all made to be dependent on each other and as a community.

The Man's Role

Ephesians 5:22-24 said, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"

But also, Ephesians 5:25-28 said, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave him himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkles or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

Man's role is undoubtedly the leader of the house. But we are not taught this, because it is politically incorrect. We were instead taught a distorted sense of equality. Have you heard of the 50/50 rule where the husband will do the chores for a day and the wife on another? Has man ever cared enough to clean? Even when he does clean, how clean is it? Has a man cared enough to take out the rubbish? No! Because men are not made like that.

Man is the spiritual leader of the house. In the old testament, when a woman commits adultery or sexual immorality, she is brought to her father's steps and stoned. Why the father's steps? Because she is his responsibility.

The man is also to go out to the marketplace and provide his family for "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

Continuing, 1 Timothy 5:14 said, "So I counsel younger windows to marry to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander."

Man is the disciplinarian of the house. Ephesians 6:4 wrote, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Welcoming 2009!!!

2009-01-02T12:44:00.002+08:00

Wow. I'm sure you've been hearing tonnes of statements on how time flies, and how quickly the year passed etc. I somehow think there's a conspiracy or something. God may be secretly shortening the hours in our day!! XD

2008 is gone, and 2009 has begun. I've never been big at making resolutions... but this year something caught my mind. Taken from Crosswalk's Encouragement for Today. This about sums up my resolution. =)

A New Year's Prayer for You

Wendy Blight

"Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord."

Lamentations 2:19a (NKJV)

Devotion:

It's a new year. What is on your heart? What would you like to accomplish? What would you like to change? Have you made any New Year's Resolutions?

A few years ago, I gave up making New Year's Resolutions. I could never keep them. One year, instead of a resolution, I wrote a prayer. Throughout the year, I watched in amazement as God worked in my life and in the lives of others through my simple prayer.

Today, I would like to pray for you. Below is the prayer that the Lord put on my heart. As you read it, I invite you to use it as a model. Sit with the Lord and ask Him to help you personalize this prayer for you.

Father in heaven, thank You that You are Sovereign. Thank You that You know each precious woman reading this devotion. You planned for her to meet You here today. You created her heart. You know her every need, her deepest desires, and her open wounds. Lord, I ask that in this new year, You would fall afresh on her.

Father, You are Holy and call us to be Holy. Yet, we confess that so often our hearts wander from You, our speech does not glorify You, and our actions do not honor You. Soften our hearts to receive the words Your sweet Spirit has to speak to us. Clothe us with humility. Take away our desire to always be right and have our own way. Help us to seek Your Word in all that we say and do. Help us to submit to Your Word; allow it to penetrate those deep places in our hearts that resist change. If necessary, put us through the refiner's fire to burn off those things that keep us from walking in step with Your character.

Give us hearts that love and seek after Truth above all else. Give us wisdom and discernment to reject the lies of this world and the evil one. Guide us into all Truth. Guard our hearts and keep our eyes fixed on You. Grow in us those things that will make us more like You. As we study Your Word, fill us and saturate us with You!

Today, Father, we surrender our thoughts, our speech, and our hearts. Thank You that You are Faithful and True. We trust You will do a mighty work in us and through us this year and carry it on to completion until the day we step into eternity with You. Help us to trust in You with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. Help us to acknowledge You in all our ways so that we can hear Your voice as You say, "This is the way, walk in it."

Lord, we love You and thank You that You love us. May our lives be a living testimony of You. We ask this in the powerful and mighty name of Your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord who will do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner: The Transforming Power of God's Story (available February 2009) by Wendy Blight

Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer

31 Days of Praise and 31 Days of Prayer by Ruth Myers

Application Steps:

As you write your prayer, is there an area of your life in which you consistently struggle? Would you be willing to give it over to God this year?

If you answered yes to this question, I invite you to surrender that area today. Boldly ask God to speak Truth into this area, no matter the cost. Ask Him to teach You His way, give you a mind to understand, and a heart to obey. Hold fast to what you hear so that your walk in that area will be established and ordered according to His will, not your own.

Reflections:

Spend time praying the prayer above or your own prayer aloud. Believe God that He IS able to answer your prayer. Watch expectantly for His answers. Thank Him every time You see His Hand at work. He will be faithful!

Power Verses:

Philippians 4:19, "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." (NIV)

Ephesians 6:17-18, "Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for the saints." (NKJV)

Mark 11:24, "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." (NKJV)

Christmas!!! phew

2008-12-30T15:00:00.004+08:00

Christmas was a BLAST! Thanks to all who labored continuously and unselfishly! *big clap and bow to you all!* The skit was a success! There were hiccups here and there, but based on feedback, it made a great impact! Thank You Jesus! All Glory be to Jesus!

Apart from preparing for the Christmas skit, I decided to try to cut cost this year while adding in a more personal touch to Christmas presents we'd give out. It's been eons since I baked cookies, and from memory, it included me slaving in the kitchen for a few whole days just for a few tins of cookies. So....... I decided to make cupcakes instead! This journey started a month back when I had to put my cup cake baking into practice, dad, mom, and the darling hubs were fed batches and batches of cupcakes.

First batch: too much coffee and too crumbly, didn't taste at all like cupcake - REJECTED!
Second batch: texture got better, no more coffee, experimented with icing for the first time and it was too dry and too sweet (250gs of icing sugar!! Madness) = REJECTED!
Third batch: just the right texture, just the right taste, icing was perfected but... they looked severely out of shape. My hypothesis was that I must've not cleaned my oven well enough, so there may have been bits of cupcake batter stuck in some corner of the oven so when the cupcake tin was rotating, the cup cake batter peeked out of the cup cake moulds to look, just like Malaysian drivers, viola.... lopsided cupcakes!! = REJECTED!
Fourth batch: by this time I was contemplating just buying cupcakes off the shelve. but they are soooo expensive compared to cost price. This time, everything turned out perfect! I added sprinkles, Hershey choco chips, and some grated white choco.... end product = PERFET!!!!!!!

Then came the even crazier part. (poor hubby can testify to this) I searched for gable boxes of the perfect size... too big = cup cakes may get bumped around, too small = can't fit cupcakes. There weren't any of the right size! So me being a craft fanatic, decided to make my own. Drafted my own template for the box and cupcake holders. Bought very beautiful double sided gold card stock, and there I went, tracing, cutting, and assembling... All this was done the day before Christmas. I thought I could finish it single handedly, but in the end, the poor hubby was dragged into it. And he never once complained, in fact, he was so sweet and cheered me up along the way, giving me shoulder rubs to reduce stress and hugs to calm the now messy-haired, frantic wife. (this is where you should go *awwwwwwww*, and guys, please learn this!) Result: 40 boxes of cupcakes (2 each), packed, decorated with ribbons, and tagged (personalized tags which the hubs had to print, cut, and label), and to bed we went at 1.30am.

All in all, it was amazing when we gave out the presents (mostly to those who helped in the skit), the look on people's faces when you hand them a present makes all the hard work pay off and stress melt away. =D I love giving gifts!!!!!!! Garghs!!!

This Christmas was indeed magical and blessed! Looking forward to Christmas in 2009!

on a side note, Thank you all who gave us presents! Thank you thank you!! And a special thanks to daddy for our new camera!!! Muahahahaha. I shall name her soon.

Christmas Props

2008-12-22T16:08:00.003+08:00

We are 99% done with props!!! THANK GOD!!! So, now all that's left is a full rehearsal on Wednesday 9am -1pm. Please be there people!

I wish to thank God for His wonderful ideas and message... I know that this whole skit could've never came into being if it wasn't for Him. I just pray that we do Him proud and speak His word this Christmas!

I would also like to thank ALL THOSE WHO CAME AND HELPED!! You've made V2 your family, and have stuck with us through thick and thin, practices and props. I would really really like to thank you! It would've been easier standing on the sidelines, not get involved, and criticize. But you guys chose the harder path - to get on the boat and get involved. I am DEEPLY grateful and touched! We shall have a makan party later ok??? Celebrate!!!

So, 3 days to Christmas! Butterflies are finally growing in my tummy. Woooo EXCITEMENT!!!! This Christmas, V2 presents to you - No Vacancy. To God be the Glory!!

Christmas Props - Help needed

2008-12-19T15:38:00.002+08:00

Hello hello!!

This is for all Vineyard people. If you are free this Saturday, Monday - Wednesday, PLEASE come to church at 9am - about 4pm. We need lots of help for Christmas skit props!!!
THANK YOU!!

To All Women Out There

2008-12-19T10:01:00.004+08:00

Ever felt worthless, ashamed, belittled? Have you been filled with self-doubt? Do you find it hard to believe that anyone could actually be praising you, yet at the same time, longing so much for the slightest bit of recognition? Ever felt that there was nothing on earth you could do to make this better and how you wish you were never born? Have you ever felt ugly and unattractive? I have. I still do. This is something my dear friend May Anne sent me. It was at a perfect timing... God's way of telling me, "You're doing OK, my dear. And I'm still here." Hope this speaks to you too... Maybe it's God's way of telling you "You're doing OK, my dear. And I'm still here."

Every Woman is Beautiful

-author unknown (but God bless him/her for encouraging so many of us)

A little boy asked his mother "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman", she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His mum just hugged him and said, "And you never will....... "

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason" was all his dad could say.....

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to GOD; when GOD got on the phone, the man said "GOD, why do women cry so easily?"

GOD said.... "When I made women she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort....

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children......

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.......

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt them very badly......

This same sensitivity helps her make a child's boo-boo feel better and shares in their teenagers anxieties and fears.......

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.......

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.....

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed, This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

Lucky

2008-12-18T10:19:00.003+08:00

I don't use the word lucky... always felt it was more appropriate to say blessed. But.... since the ball, I've been enchanted by this song.... Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat. Did it exist last december? Cause if it did, and I knew about it, I would've done a duet with Justin. sigh... too bad too bad.

.:.HELP Psych Annual Ball.:.

2008-12-17T22:16:00.002+08:00

Last night was my first attending the ball not as a student of the faculty, rather as the wife of faculty staff. But it was certainly more happening than when I was a student. Organizing committee did a good job... but Justin and I were famished!! Dinner only started close to 9pm... Sigh. Malaysians and their HIGHLY rubber time.

The highlight of the evening was the one and only HELP Street Boys!! Starring lecturer of the Faculty of Psych and the HUBBY!!!!!!!!!!!! 98% of my focus was on him, leaving only 2% for the other lecturers. I've always loved listening to Justin play, but yesterday his playing was extra enchanting.. drools.

I spy a.... Gorgeous Couple! Muahahahahahaha!!!

2008-12-15T17:30:00.011+08:00

Gosh!! I love this title!!! XD

Here are some pictures from the anniversary getaway.

* * *My favorite picture* * *

Update: I've highlighted my hair.
The hubs said: "Very nice!" and other sweet things that I shall not reveal.
Dad said: "Wah, nicest hairstyle since. Makes you look younger" Thanks dad. =D
Mom said: "Hm, not bad"

couldn't get nice pics of the hair tho... =/ But... Imma Lovin' it!!! Muahahahahhaa!!

Sher Dislikes Research.... Very much!!!

2008-12-12T14:49:00.004+08:00

= ( = ( = (

As the title proclaimed.... i do not like research. But it is inevitable!! No research = no thesis = no graduation = no masters degree = 2 years + wasted = plain dumb. Sigh.... As part of thesis requirement, I have to define my topic, dig through tonnes of literature, decide on what I would like to research about, plan my research (while making sure I can defend every bit of my plan) <--- WORST part of research, write a proposal, submit it to the ethics review board, wait for their go ahead, actually carry out my plan, gather data, analyze data (this part I don't like), formulate conclusions, write a 20,000 word paper, and defend my research in front of many experts.

= ( = ( = (

I DO NOT like research!! I've started planning this since last year, and I thought I actually did a good job! But... after review it a year later, I realized lots of flaws! The biggest hit was when I realized the underlying structure of my proposal was really really far fetched and unrealistic. Time is running, and I'm stuck. I find a flow, and realize it won't work. So it's been like that for a while: find a flow -> follow it -> dead end -> back to the drawing board

Everything is still a blur.... God.... please help me! I want to graduate...

Bundaberg Rootbeer!!!!!!!!

2008-12-11T20:38:00.003+08:00

Garghs!!!! BUNDABERG ROOTBEER!!!!! Cold storage had a clearance sale because they were expiring in 8 days. RM1.99/bottle (normal price approx. RM4.90)!! In short, RM1.99 for 375ml of heavenly beverage!!! After tasting Bundaberg, A&W rootbeer tasted too artificial and too sweet.

Try it! I heard the Ginger ale is nicer... but ginger ale has never been my thing. Perfectly content with BUNDABERG ROOTBEER!!!

One Year!

2008-12-10T10:49:00.005+08:00

To celebrate one beautiful year together, we spent 2 days in Awana Genting... short I know, but we still had to work so... =) I've not felt so refreshed and stress-free for a long while (ever since we started Masters that is). So it was 2 days of no assignments, no datelines, no clients, no work, nothing but quality time with each other. Taking leisure walks with each other, reflecting on the year that was and planning for the year ahead. Guess I am more of an introvert than an extravert after all =D.

And for dinner, we ate at an amazing Italian restaurant, pricey, but worth every sen! The most amazing thing during dinner was the wine! I don't know much about wine, but I knew a sweet white would go well with my food, so I tembak-ed lah. And turns out the wine we got - Muscat, was 98% similar to our engagement wine!!! Nostalgia!! See, the wine we had for engagement was a present from Justin when we started courtship. In addition to the promise ring, he bought a bottle of Langmeil winter harvest Semillon , which I thoroughly loved. During the proposal, he sneakily had the waiter bring out that bottle, and so I knew that he was proposing! So 2 years later, on our first anniversary, the muscat was just so nostalgic! Justin bought us tickets to the Sydney next year (I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!!!!!), I am hoping that we'll be able to find that wine again! According to their website, it's sold out... =(

Ok, enough of booze. I think in a nut shell, this was how we celebrated our first year - slow, relaxed, easy, and stress-free! Just what both of us needed badly! In fact, we enjoyed ourselves so much that we're planning more trips for next year, starting with the first quarter! Gosh, I love my husband!!!

8th December, here we come!

2008-12-06T23:07:00.005+08:00

Two more days until we officially turn ONE!! It has been a tremendous journey from 8th December 2007, and all I can say is that it has been a heck of a ride and I am exceedingly blessed to have Justin. Shall be reflecting on the past year soon. It's been a while since we had the time and discipline to reflect.

I shall leave this post with an exclamation of excitement as I draw near to this incredible milestone!

WOO HOOO!!!

We can hardly stand the wait, O Christmas don't be late~

2008-12-05T17:40:00.004+08:00

Come come come!!!

Of Html!

2008-12-05T11:47:00.003+08:00

Gargh...

OK... So heeding Jaryl's suggestions, I decided to try modifying the template again. Behold!! I managed to...:

(1) White space on the far right is... Fixed
(2) There's a bit of a gap on top of your header background image. Don't know how to fix =(
(3) The erasing in the header image is rather apparent.. or is that a part of the design? Errr. I actually modified the original picture using Fireworks and it was superbly nice, but when upload, it turned out weird.
(4) The color of your "a:visited" is rather dull, which means that links don't stand out as much. This would be fine if it only affected links in your posts, but seeing as it affects your post title too, there will be an inconsistency in the color of post titles (considering that some posts' separate pages will be visited while some won't). Fixed
(5) You might wanna add some padding-left to your #main. Fixed
(6) Also, consider increasing the width of your #main. The main includes the advert column as well... so when I increased it, the body ran far off from the blog post box image, and pushed the links and chatterbox column far off as well. Sighs...

So this is the best I can come up with for now. =( Must do research one day, but for now, I'm pretty content with this!! =D Hmmmm.. but my fingers are itching to change the header picture to the old one I had in Xanga. That flower's nicer!! Yummmy

Love and Pain

2008-12-04T23:54:00.004+08:00

Recalled something from a Grief therapy work shop. Somehow stuck to me the whole of today.

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them"

-Lev "Leo" N. Tolstoy "Childhood, boyhood, youth." New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Co. (p.109)

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

-From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

Looks like they come hand in hand. Can't have one without the other. So feel love is to feel pain, to embrace love is to embrace pain. To enjoy a love ever after is to endure enduring pain. Morbid or romantic? Idealistic or realistic? Go figure.

I DID IT!!!!!

2008-12-04T16:56:00.004+08:00

After 2 excruciating days, I FINALLY managed to create (erm... more accurately, modify) the close-to-perfect template!!!!!!!!!!! Some things are still not perfect yet... i.e. the sidebar titles are not centered!! =( Buuuttttt... Not too bad for a first try right?

Realised, fiddling with html codes is... FUN! I'm actually thinking of modifying a template for Christmas!! Make the blog all Christmas-y and all. But we'll see how things go la.

I shall be moving over to Blogger for a few months to test things out. All in the name of lowering cognitive dissonance!! Cause so much has been poured out into this site that it's a waste now utilizing it. So Xanga, goodbye for now!

Gargh! I am excited!

Fiddling with xml

2008-12-02T22:22:00.001+08:00

Ok, I need help! Anyone knows how to widen this whole template? I like the outlook, but the margins are... =S they make the whole blog look too crampy!

Moving over to the "dark" side...

2008-08-15T16:24:00.003+08:00

After a very long hiatus from Blogger, I have decided to forgo Xanga and shift to Blogger!