Being a pastor's kid

I'm born to not one, but two senior pastors. I am the eldest, and grew up as the oldest and only kid in church until more kids were born a few years after me. So I've had my fair share of attention and criticism growing up. I honestly never knew the difference between being a pastor's kid and being a church member's kid until I was much older. For the most part of my childhood, it was all good. Speaking behind the pulpit was something my dad did on Sundays, and on Mondays - Saturdays (with the exception of night prayer meetings/cell groups, and fellowship nights), my dad was a regular dad. Err.. except his office was at home so I grew up with two parents 24/7.

I guess I never really realized what being a pastor's kid meant until I was a ministers' retreat. And the youth pastor decided to have a discussion where everyone was to share how they felt being a pastor's kid. And then it started, it seemed that everyone fell to either side of the fence 1. Ooh I love it, how God has chosen us and we are the chosen family blah blah blah, or 2. I hate it, everyone holds me to a higher standard, I can't make mistakes blah blah blah. I can't remember what I said, but I knew for the first time I realized being a pastor's kid was THIS interesting wan ah??

 Then I grew older and started becoming more aware of the silent games Christians play. First came comments about dressing, then came comments about slang (no dirty words, just jargon), then it graduated into everything else. Long story short, I realized that we have been bombarded by lots of crap for many years,  but my parents always shielded it from us, while being extra strict. Growing up, I wasn't allowed alot of freedom, my parents were strict as strict can be, and I never got off easy when it came to discipline when I've done wrong. But on hindsight, I think the expectations of church members had a role to play in that.

I remember growing my own "voice" as I grew older. Going to college and majoring in Psychology certainly gave me more understanding, insight, and arrogance when it came to dealing with people. So I started fighting back, talking back, and well... you can more or less guess what happened. More criticism.

So then things took a back seat and I grew more, and learned more. And concluded, I never want to be a pastor's wife, cause I never want to see my children suffer like this. Whether or not I get this prayer answered is another story to be told some other day.

Now, I'm pushing 30, I'm seemingly older and wiser. If I were to answer the question again as to what it's like being a pastor's kid, I think I'd say, it's tough. So tough that you'll never understand unless you are one. Pastors can't understand because they chose the road of servitude by answering their call, but their children had no such 'choice'. Pastor's children are 'born' into this hard road. Maybe that's why lots of them rebel? So yes, it's not something that any church member can ever understand. It's different when you're a church leader/deacon's child. It's just tougher. You become an extension of your parents. So when the extension of the "leader" falls, everyone points fingers. Kinda like.. "cheh, you can't even lead your child to the road of glory, why should I believe in you" and then they use this as an excuse to cover up their guilty conscience and leave church. This is a down right immature thought, which I will not debate here.

So yes, it is very tough being a pastor's kid. But with hindsight and after lots of arguing with God, denial, anger etc... I believe it indeed is a blessing to be born into a pastor's family. Putting extra angpow/christmas presents aside,  I've had the privilege to witnessing firsthand how God works so miraculously. I've experienced needs being met and fulfilled in ways that can only be described as supernatural. I've experienced what it truly means to be called and handpicked into ministry by God. I've witnessed what it means to literally take up your cross and die to self. I've experienced the sweetness of following Jesus even when everyone else scoffs, mocks, and wrongfully accuses you. I've watched how my parents have chose to obey God all the way, believe in Him all the way, and finally have Him show up in all His splendor and majesty.

I've experienced this, and have found who God really is to me.

Now I have Aly. She's the first grandchild of 2 senior pastors, a daughter of the worship director, niece of a young pastor, and she is growing up in homeschool where they learn about Jesus everyday. I don't know what life holds for her. And I don't know what kind of scrutiny she may come under. But I sure know who holds her hand.

I don't really know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to hopefully give you an insight into your own pastor's family. I really started out this post by thinking it's time to share my side of the story. But at the end, I find myself feeling uplifted... like it all doesn't matter. I'm still being criticized. Still being scrutinized. But it doesn't matter. I know I have a mission to do here. This place is not my home. So I'll do what I need to do, do it well, and when it's time to go, I'll go with no regrets. Criticisms, remarks, hurts, victories, vindication, they have one thing in common - they are all temporal.

So after all has been said and done, is being a pastor's kid bad/good - it doesn't really matter. =)

Oh the mystery of Ephesians 5

Wives and Husbands

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing^b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 I've struggled with this portion of scripture since forever. On good days, it's sooo easy to submit, obey, to follow the husband's lead. But on bad days - days when I've been giving until I'm dry and yet there are still demand, days when I'm feeling down, PMS days, days when everyone else comes first and no one remembers me - I find it hard to submit.

Especially when ideas and plans are just berserk! I am in a few areas sharper than the husband. But I've found that I do not have the liberty to say things. And when I do, I have to always pick my words, tone, and mood properly. Failing to execute any of the above properly will result in me bruising some ego.

Ever since becoming a mom, it's been tiring. I've never experienced "dying to self" so much and so hard. And yet, it's still not enough. I am still not enough. 

If I could wish for something, I would wish to just run away for a while. Maybe half a day? Just run away and to do things for me, and most importantly, for mommy/wife guilt to leave me be!

I don't know how to submit when my emotional tank is running on negative numbers. 

Now I remember something I heard many years ago... women are special, they are strong. Because when the whole world ceases to act as it should, mothers and wives can't, and they don't. They just keep moving, keep working, keep loving, keep sheltering. 

I guess it's time for me to grow up. Instead of complaining and crying, I should just suck it in and keep moving, keep working, keep loving, and keep sheltering. Lord, I don't know how to... please help.

He doesn't bring me flowers anymore...

..... he brings me Big Apple Donuts!! <3 <3 <3

I've known my husband for 9 years now, and been married to him for 3 years and counting. Taking a walk down memory lane made me realize that our love has changed. Matured. Sweetened.

Before, it used to be the standard, texting, talking on the phone which included "you put down the phone, no you put down the phone", can't stand to be apart from each other drama etc. But now it's changed that the only way I can describe it is that it's become sweeter - more mature.

We recently made a huge purchase - a spanking new car. It was a huge decision both financially, mentally, and emotionally. We were made to decide like adults - not be ruled by the car, but be ruled by weighing pros and cons, capabilities, etc. So it took a few weeks of mulling over the idea, trashing out feelings and thoughts, and finally making the decision together. I never knew buying a car would bring out so much closeness in a relationship. Upon closer inspection it wasn't that isolated event that brought us closer, it was just how much we've both changed. How much we've both been put through, how much we have been through that has brought us closer and caused that sweet maturing.

I've gained a new respect for my husband that caused me to fall in love with him all over again. =) Watching how he deals with the everyday things like taking out the trash, remembering that I like roasted chicken wing rice with char siew sauce packed separately, remembering to take my watch to get its battery changed amidst his very packed schedule. And then watching him in the bigger things like analyzing the facts, pros and cons of cars, finances what nots. And then watching him in the biggest of things like striving to stay close to God, spending every ounce of free time and energy with Aly and me, being so patient with Aly, animating Aly's bear just so he could make her chuckle, sacrificing his sleep just because Aly has woken up and is calling him to "go" out for a walk... then watching him stay by my side as we battle through the array of  my irrational emotional outbursts and meltdowns.

I dare say that I love my husband now, more than I've ever in the past. More than when I first had a crush on him, more than the exciting "does he like me, does he not" phase, more than when we started courting, more than when he proposed, more than our wedding day.

So this man who came into my life 9 years ago is a keeper. I will to stay by his side till death doeth us part.

=)

Thank you for the donuts dar.

The Lead Role

Very frankly, I believe that I am very capable... and have somehow concluded that there are many things that only I can do, and that no one can do a better job that I can. As a result... I do everything and often get very frustrated that people aren't helping enough, aren't mind-reading enough, aren't understanding enough, aren't capable enough. Irony.

I've been experiencing burn out ever since Toothless came along. Before her, I was able to do the things I did really well. Now with her, I still try to do the tings I used to do, but obviously not to the standards of perfection I'm accustomed to. As a result, I believe I have failed, and am a failure.

In devotion today, I realized something new. Maybe I should just stop doing so many things. Because I am not that all perfect. The problem with me is that I've pegged my self-worth to the things that I do. I am defined by the things I do. Which is the root of the problem. My high need for control and my stubborn temperament makes it hard for others to step into my turf (even God), as a result, people stay clear when I'm doing something. Which makes me feel alone, and in the end I don't get what I really want - which is to be loved, respected, valued, and taken care of. The irony.

So I'll make this my resolution: to try to constantly remember that I am not great, I am not God. Therefore I should not play God. I can only do so much. So it's time to take a back seat and enjoy the view instead of running around like a headless chicken to seemingly "get things going" when they very well can without me.

Here's the devotion that sparked this. I was about to delete it from my email when something prompted me to read it. Thank You Holy Spirit for still speaking.

January 20, 2011Role ReversalWendy Pope 

"Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." Matthew 12:30 (NLT)

Devotion:Confession: I have a control issue. More often than not, I take life's situations in my hands. I try to control and manipulate the outcome, then dare to ask God to bless it. In recent days the Lord has taught me a simple but profound truth: when I don't work with Him, I am actually working against Him.

This truth came to light during an early morning quiet time as I read Oswald Chambers' words in My Utmost for His Highest: 

"Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God's role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."

Chambers defines an "amateur providence" as someone who tries to play the role of God in the lives of others. These words pierced my heart as I identified myself as an amateur providence in another's life. Whose? My husband's.

You see, when the vow "I do" did not instantly morph my husband into the spiritual leader I thought he should be, I took it upon myself to help him. Yes, I played the role of "Holy Spirit" for my husband quite nicely. Manipulating situations, quoting the Bible, and using the silent treatment became an art.

Even with all the masterful skills I had developed over our years of marriage, my husband still wasn't the spiritual leader I wanted him to be. I prayed and worked harder at crafting my skills to no avail. Why weren't all my efforts paying off? What else could I do? The day I read Oswald's words I got my answer. I shut my mouth and boy, was my spirit on alert.

Manipulating, Bible quoting, and giving silent treatments hadn't helped my husband at all. My role as "Holy Spirit" in my husband's life was so noisy, God's whispers to him could not be heard. My obsession with improving my husband's spirituality was working against God.

I grew blinded to the man my husband had become, the man God wanted him to be. Somehow I had missed the benevolence of his heart. I failed to notice the way he was drawn to taking care of widows and quietly helping those who are less fortunate and in need.

Quickly I took the Spirit's alert to heart. Confessing my sin, I asked the Lord to forgive me for trying to do His job in my husband's life. I invited Him to change my heart and help me see my husband through His eyes.

Retiring the lead role of "Holy Spirit" to my husband was not easy. Controlling things is a real issue for me. There are people who I believe I can help and situations I believe need my assistance. However, discovering the lead role is best played by God and submitting to this truth has brought great peace to my life and marriage.

Have you cast yourself in a role you weren't meant to play? Are you working with God or against Him in the lives of those you love? Retire that role today. The view from the front row is more awesome than the one from center stage!

Dear Lord, God forgive me for trying to control the lives of those around me. Today I release control into Your very capable hands. In Jesus' Name, Amen.