Being a pastor's kid

I'm born to not one, but two senior pastors. I am the eldest, and grew up as the oldest and only kid in church until more kids were born a few years after me. So I've had my fair share of attention and criticism growing up. I honestly never knew the difference between being a pastor's kid and being a church member's kid until I was much older. For the most part of my childhood, it was all good. Speaking behind the pulpit was something my dad did on Sundays, and on Mondays - Saturdays (with the exception of night prayer meetings/cell groups, and fellowship nights), my dad was a regular dad. Err.. except his office was at home so I grew up with two parents 24/7.

I guess I never really realized what being a pastor's kid meant until I was a ministers' retreat. And the youth pastor decided to have a discussion where everyone was to share how they felt being a pastor's kid. And then it started, it seemed that everyone fell to either side of the fence 1. Ooh I love it, how God has chosen us and we are the chosen family blah blah blah, or 2. I hate it, everyone holds me to a higher standard, I can't make mistakes blah blah blah. I can't remember what I said, but I knew for the first time I realized being a pastor's kid was THIS interesting wan ah??

 Then I grew older and started becoming more aware of the silent games Christians play. First came comments about dressing, then came comments about slang (no dirty words, just jargon), then it graduated into everything else. Long story short, I realized that we have been bombarded by lots of crap for many years,  but my parents always shielded it from us, while being extra strict. Growing up, I wasn't allowed alot of freedom, my parents were strict as strict can be, and I never got off easy when it came to discipline when I've done wrong. But on hindsight, I think the expectations of church members had a role to play in that.

I remember growing my own "voice" as I grew older. Going to college and majoring in Psychology certainly gave me more understanding, insight, and arrogance when it came to dealing with people. So I started fighting back, talking back, and well... you can more or less guess what happened. More criticism.

So then things took a back seat and I grew more, and learned more. And concluded, I never want to be a pastor's wife, cause I never want to see my children suffer like this. Whether or not I get this prayer answered is another story to be told some other day.

Now, I'm pushing 30, I'm seemingly older and wiser. If I were to answer the question again as to what it's like being a pastor's kid, I think I'd say, it's tough. So tough that you'll never understand unless you are one. Pastors can't understand because they chose the road of servitude by answering their call, but their children had no such 'choice'. Pastor's children are 'born' into this hard road. Maybe that's why lots of them rebel? So yes, it's not something that any church member can ever understand. It's different when you're a church leader/deacon's child. It's just tougher. You become an extension of your parents. So when the extension of the "leader" falls, everyone points fingers. Kinda like.. "cheh, you can't even lead your child to the road of glory, why should I believe in you" and then they use this as an excuse to cover up their guilty conscience and leave church. This is a down right immature thought, which I will not debate here.

So yes, it is very tough being a pastor's kid. But with hindsight and after lots of arguing with God, denial, anger etc... I believe it indeed is a blessing to be born into a pastor's family. Putting extra angpow/christmas presents aside,  I've had the privilege to witnessing firsthand how God works so miraculously. I've experienced needs being met and fulfilled in ways that can only be described as supernatural. I've experienced what it truly means to be called and handpicked into ministry by God. I've witnessed what it means to literally take up your cross and die to self. I've experienced the sweetness of following Jesus even when everyone else scoffs, mocks, and wrongfully accuses you. I've watched how my parents have chose to obey God all the way, believe in Him all the way, and finally have Him show up in all His splendor and majesty.

I've experienced this, and have found who God really is to me.

Now I have Aly. She's the first grandchild of 2 senior pastors, a daughter of the worship director, niece of a young pastor, and she is growing up in homeschool where they learn about Jesus everyday. I don't know what life holds for her. And I don't know what kind of scrutiny she may come under. But I sure know who holds her hand.

I don't really know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to hopefully give you an insight into your own pastor's family. I really started out this post by thinking it's time to share my side of the story. But at the end, I find myself feeling uplifted... like it all doesn't matter. I'm still being criticized. Still being scrutinized. But it doesn't matter. I know I have a mission to do here. This place is not my home. So I'll do what I need to do, do it well, and when it's time to go, I'll go with no regrets. Criticisms, remarks, hurts, victories, vindication, they have one thing in common - they are all temporal.

So after all has been said and done, is being a pastor's kid bad/good - it doesn't really matter. =)

Oh the mystery of Ephesians 5

Wives and Husbands

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing^b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 I've struggled with this portion of scripture since forever. On good days, it's sooo easy to submit, obey, to follow the husband's lead. But on bad days - days when I've been giving until I'm dry and yet there are still demand, days when I'm feeling down, PMS days, days when everyone else comes first and no one remembers me - I find it hard to submit.

Especially when ideas and plans are just berserk! I am in a few areas sharper than the husband. But I've found that I do not have the liberty to say things. And when I do, I have to always pick my words, tone, and mood properly. Failing to execute any of the above properly will result in me bruising some ego.

Ever since becoming a mom, it's been tiring. I've never experienced "dying to self" so much and so hard. And yet, it's still not enough. I am still not enough. 

If I could wish for something, I would wish to just run away for a while. Maybe half a day? Just run away and to do things for me, and most importantly, for mommy/wife guilt to leave me be!

I don't know how to submit when my emotional tank is running on negative numbers. 

Now I remember something I heard many years ago... women are special, they are strong. Because when the whole world ceases to act as it should, mothers and wives can't, and they don't. They just keep moving, keep working, keep loving, keep sheltering. 

I guess it's time for me to grow up. Instead of complaining and crying, I should just suck it in and keep moving, keep working, keep loving, and keep sheltering. Lord, I don't know how to... please help.

He doesn't bring me flowers anymore...

..... he brings me Big Apple Donuts!! <3 <3 <3

I've known my husband for 9 years now, and been married to him for 3 years and counting. Taking a walk down memory lane made me realize that our love has changed. Matured. Sweetened.

Before, it used to be the standard, texting, talking on the phone which included "you put down the phone, no you put down the phone", can't stand to be apart from each other drama etc. But now it's changed that the only way I can describe it is that it's become sweeter - more mature.

We recently made a huge purchase - a spanking new car. It was a huge decision both financially, mentally, and emotionally. We were made to decide like adults - not be ruled by the car, but be ruled by weighing pros and cons, capabilities, etc. So it took a few weeks of mulling over the idea, trashing out feelings and thoughts, and finally making the decision together. I never knew buying a car would bring out so much closeness in a relationship. Upon closer inspection it wasn't that isolated event that brought us closer, it was just how much we've both changed. How much we've both been put through, how much we have been through that has brought us closer and caused that sweet maturing.

I've gained a new respect for my husband that caused me to fall in love with him all over again. =) Watching how he deals with the everyday things like taking out the trash, remembering that I like roasted chicken wing rice with char siew sauce packed separately, remembering to take my watch to get its battery changed amidst his very packed schedule. And then watching him in the bigger things like analyzing the facts, pros and cons of cars, finances what nots. And then watching him in the biggest of things like striving to stay close to God, spending every ounce of free time and energy with Aly and me, being so patient with Aly, animating Aly's bear just so he could make her chuckle, sacrificing his sleep just because Aly has woken up and is calling him to "go" out for a walk... then watching him stay by my side as we battle through the array of  my irrational emotional outbursts and meltdowns.

I dare say that I love my husband now, more than I've ever in the past. More than when I first had a crush on him, more than the exciting "does he like me, does he not" phase, more than when we started courting, more than when he proposed, more than our wedding day.

So this man who came into my life 9 years ago is a keeper. I will to stay by his side till death doeth us part.

=)

Thank you for the donuts dar.

The Lead Role

Very frankly, I believe that I am very capable... and have somehow concluded that there are many things that only I can do, and that no one can do a better job that I can. As a result... I do everything and often get very frustrated that people aren't helping enough, aren't mind-reading enough, aren't understanding enough, aren't capable enough. Irony.

I've been experiencing burn out ever since Toothless came along. Before her, I was able to do the things I did really well. Now with her, I still try to do the tings I used to do, but obviously not to the standards of perfection I'm accustomed to. As a result, I believe I have failed, and am a failure.

In devotion today, I realized something new. Maybe I should just stop doing so many things. Because I am not that all perfect. The problem with me is that I've pegged my self-worth to the things that I do. I am defined by the things I do. Which is the root of the problem. My high need for control and my stubborn temperament makes it hard for others to step into my turf (even God), as a result, people stay clear when I'm doing something. Which makes me feel alone, and in the end I don't get what I really want - which is to be loved, respected, valued, and taken care of. The irony.

So I'll make this my resolution: to try to constantly remember that I am not great, I am not God. Therefore I should not play God. I can only do so much. So it's time to take a back seat and enjoy the view instead of running around like a headless chicken to seemingly "get things going" when they very well can without me.

Here's the devotion that sparked this. I was about to delete it from my email when something prompted me to read it. Thank You Holy Spirit for still speaking.

January 20, 2011Role ReversalWendy Pope 

"Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." Matthew 12:30 (NLT)

Devotion:Confession: I have a control issue. More often than not, I take life's situations in my hands. I try to control and manipulate the outcome, then dare to ask God to bless it. In recent days the Lord has taught me a simple but profound truth: when I don't work with Him, I am actually working against Him.

This truth came to light during an early morning quiet time as I read Oswald Chambers' words in My Utmost for His Highest: 

"Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God's role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."

Chambers defines an "amateur providence" as someone who tries to play the role of God in the lives of others. These words pierced my heart as I identified myself as an amateur providence in another's life. Whose? My husband's.

You see, when the vow "I do" did not instantly morph my husband into the spiritual leader I thought he should be, I took it upon myself to help him. Yes, I played the role of "Holy Spirit" for my husband quite nicely. Manipulating situations, quoting the Bible, and using the silent treatment became an art.

Even with all the masterful skills I had developed over our years of marriage, my husband still wasn't the spiritual leader I wanted him to be. I prayed and worked harder at crafting my skills to no avail. Why weren't all my efforts paying off? What else could I do? The day I read Oswald's words I got my answer. I shut my mouth and boy, was my spirit on alert.

Manipulating, Bible quoting, and giving silent treatments hadn't helped my husband at all. My role as "Holy Spirit" in my husband's life was so noisy, God's whispers to him could not be heard. My obsession with improving my husband's spirituality was working against God.

I grew blinded to the man my husband had become, the man God wanted him to be. Somehow I had missed the benevolence of his heart. I failed to notice the way he was drawn to taking care of widows and quietly helping those who are less fortunate and in need.

Quickly I took the Spirit's alert to heart. Confessing my sin, I asked the Lord to forgive me for trying to do His job in my husband's life. I invited Him to change my heart and help me see my husband through His eyes.

Retiring the lead role of "Holy Spirit" to my husband was not easy. Controlling things is a real issue for me. There are people who I believe I can help and situations I believe need my assistance. However, discovering the lead role is best played by God and submitting to this truth has brought great peace to my life and marriage.

Have you cast yourself in a role you weren't meant to play? Are you working with God or against Him in the lives of those you love? Retire that role today. The view from the front row is more awesome than the one from center stage!

Dear Lord, God forgive me for trying to control the lives of those around me. Today I release control into Your very capable hands. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Good girls like Bad boys

I've heard quite a number of complaints regarding the fairer sex. The saying "men like stability while women like change" has become one staple statement when discussions about the differences between sexes take place; along with the famous Chinese saying "men not bad, women don't love". So I've been mulling over these two statements for a while and have decided that to give my 2 cents worth.

First stop, I agree with both statements and have found that both statements are not mutually exclusive.

To understand this, one must first have at least some sort of understanding about how men and women operate. Now I am in no way any expert, so please do not quote/misquote me.

Men (well, most men) are logic driven. What that simply means is that they use their heads more than their hearts. Take for example, buying a car, a man is more likely to survey things like performance, petrol consumption, the price tag, and then looks. Whereas women, like me, will probably start with looks first then go down the line and end with performance. 6 speed gear box, 5 speed gear box whhhat??? I just chuck it to D and it drives! Again, this is seriously over generalized, there ARE men and women who don't fall into the above scenarios at all.

So when a man, at least my man, makes decisions, he is very likely to weigh out the pros and cons, keep their emotions aside and make the most 'logical' decision. That said, they are sometimes persuaded to do otherwise by their emotional side they like to label "passion". Tee hee!!

Whereas, women are really quite different. I observe many preschooler girls and they almost always like playing "house", "tea party", and "family". All plays include some form of nurturing. Somewhere some role will feature a mimicry of a mother telling the others how to act. There's always something that can be better in the house, some person that could hold the teacup more correctly, someone who needs to change the dolly's dirty diapers etc. I guess what I've really observed is how much girls like to fix things! So as we grow up, we carry with us a need to fix things we like to label "nurturing" or "bringing out the full potential of... insert name here... ". Which is why the "badder" guy we get, the more "nurturing" we can do! And to be able to single handedly 'CHANGE' our man gives us great pleasure. Then we feel oh-so-special and powerful. =/

This is where the issue starts. Men have surveyed their choice of a mate, paid the deposit and signed the documents. Now all there is to it is to sit down and enjoy his "purchase". But this unsuspecting fellow soon realizes that the paying never stops. There's a career he's expected to advance in, a fatter paycheck he's expected to rake in, an ever growing belly he's expected to not have, the trash he's expected to take out, the family outings he's expected to drive everyone to, the mr. fix-it-all, and know-it-all roles that he's supposed to pay. And at most times, when he thinks he's achieved THE goal, he's disappointed to find that all he gets is a pre-programmed congratulatory note that reads "congratulations Mr XXXX you have successfully conquered stage 1002, stage 1003 will commence in 3....2....1..." It is as though there's constantly something about him that needs fixing.

His wife more of less responsible for this. (sorry ladies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say this)

How?

Our little young minds were poisoned by Disneyland and fairy tales. The oh-so-cliche dashing heroic price's love for a maiden he's only met in a dream causes him to risks all and battle the ferocious dragon etc etc... he slays the dragon, saves the maiden, they fall in love, kiss, and "they lived happily ever after". As much as we hate to admit it, inside most girls, cynical or not, is this pining to be like Cinderella, Snow White and all her other fairy tale sisters. So we sit and wait for the romance, the proposal, the lavish wedding, and fuss when we meet reality. When we realise that there is no pumpkin carriage, there is no happily ever after without hard work, and there that young dashing courageous prince that you married, decides he has done enough, kicks back and relaxes over football on TV. All of a sudden you're left with the house to clean, baby to feed, change, wash etc. Then you look at this man and realise "oh gosh, I married a toad!!!" That's where the "nurturing" and "unleashing full potential" comes in. Most of the women I know resort to nagging, and other more violent means.

In short, women try very hard to make their men into something. I write this because I've been doing a bit of reflection these past months and realised that I am in fact, wifezilla. In pursuit of my happily ever after, I bombard my husband with things like "why can't you...." and then try to cover up and sweeten it by saying "but I know you, I know you can become better.. don't you want to be better?" *sigh* *cringe*.

So I went back to the source and asked God why we were made so different? Why are men and women on opposite poles. Well the only answer I got was that so they could learn to love, respect, care for what they are not. then they will learn what it means to subject themselves to someone, and to forsake all to care for that someone. I believe that men and women were made sooooooooo different for many sound reasons. Reasons which we fail to comprehend most times. But what is suffice to say is, that have we as husband and wife / boyfriend and girlfriend learned to respect, accept, care for and help our partners? Help yes help! Just because we're to accept our partners doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to all his/her faults and mark it off as 'that's just the way he is' I believe we were also made (like iron) to hone and sharpen the other, yes ladies you can cheer now. That means that change has to come and will come. But the key is how it is inspired to come.

I've been learning that what works for me is when I really look at all my husband has done and is doing, and to recognize all the effort he's put in. It doesn't matter if I think I could do a better job that him in half the time. The fact is that he has given his best. So recognition is called for. Then sincere praise comes in. Let me tell you my dear sisters, that when you praise you man sincerely, you'll make a WHOLE lot of impact as compared to hours of nagging (I've been down that road).

So yes, if we ever find that we want our partners to change, first look at ourselves to figure if we're pulling as much weight, then figure out an effective game plan. Afterall you and your partner are in it together!

So my dear sisters, have you recognized your husband's efforts today? =)

Happy Birthday to me

To the people who made this day beautiful:
my parents, my sister, my students (you guys are AMAZING! You almost made me cry!!) and ex students (Yes I remember you guys!) I am so very blessed to have had the honor of having my path crossed yours. THANK YOU so very very much!

Lesson learned today..sometimes happiness lies within your own hands. =)

so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

27 gems for 27 years

In an hour or so I'll turn 27. That's a good 3 years from the big three-zero. Quite an achievement if you ask me. After a night of peace (Baby A fell asleep at 7pm), I am inspired to blog! So here goes a list of 27 gems of lessons learned and things to be thankful for.

1. Thank God for life. These past 2 years have been the hardest and the most rewarding thus far. The pain and the joy brought a new appreciation for life in itself.
2. Thank God for the family I came from. Having been a mom for 5 months.. I have finally begun learning about the weight of a parent's sacrifice and what it takes to hold a family together. I am who I am because of my family.
3. Thank God for my husband. I cannot begin to count the number of times we've had disagreements and arguments. But in the worst of it all, I realized that if I got to choose my partner all over again, there's no one else I'd choose to go through the worst and best with than Justin.
4. Thank God for our first child. Though we never met, you left a great impact on my life. You taught me what it meant to love a stranger, to hope for the best, and to lay what's precious in the hands of the Maker. We will meet again my baby.
5. Thank God for Alyssa. My Toothless! I thank God for the privilege to be her mom. Every day she lets me know just how precious I am to her. I've never met anyone who has made me feel this appreciated. She just loves me for me.<3
6. Thank God for all the lessons Alyssa has taught me. See following:
7. Learned to laugh a bit more. Silly songs and funky moves... anything to tickle my daughter's funny bones somehow is contagious!
8. Learned to be organized. I now walk around with a mental note of things that need to be done, my priority list, and how to get them done in the shortest time. No joke, I have a huge list for the diaper bag alone!
9. Learned what is more important. So the bottles need to be washed and sterilized, the diaper bag needs to be packed, the clothes washed and hung, the floor swept and mopped... But my daughter's looking at me with those eyes that say "here I am mommy, let's play!" So the bottles, bag, clothes, floor can all wait. I'm getting my priorities straight! It's these little moments that are truly important!
10. Learned that many complicated things can be settled with a smile. My daughter has not mastered grammar or vocab yet, but she manages to take away all my stress, lethargy, demotivation with just one smile.
    
11. Learned to take care of a baby! When I first held her, she felt so small and fragile. Never thought I'd make it through the first month. It's been 5 since. =)
12. Learned that waking up early in the morning isn't all that bad. Since Toothless greets us with that huge toothless grin!
13. Learned that staying at home every chance we get is really nice!
14. Learned that weekends are so much more worthwhile while spending with family.
15. Learned that babies aren't THAT fragile. My Toothless is mega resilient!
16. Am learning to be a protective mommy! My daughter depends on me to keep her safe and look after her wellbeing. Sometimes that requires saying no to things/people.
    
17. Learned that raising a child requires lots of team effort.
18. Learned that there are better things to do than to hold a grudge.
19. Learned that a small getaway (e.g. 1 day trips) can be very relaxing.
20. Learned that just because I can do something doesn't mean I must do it. I am not always the right person for the job.
21. Learned that it is important to fully appreciate the stage and phase of life I am in. Because I can only fully experience the phase I am in at any given moment.
    
22. Learned that my body can seriously be pushed to the limits. pregnancy, child birth, late nights, lack of sleep!! whoa!
23. Started to learn that being a mom, a working woman, and housekeeper is VERY tough. Guess I can't do them all to perfection.
24. Learned that sometimes, the only people that I can gain love, affection, and appreciation from is God and myself. So here's a pat on my back for surviving pregnancy and 5 months and counting of motherhood.
25. Learned that I am indeed a wonderful person. Ask my daughter, I'm sure she'll concur.
26. Learned that seasons of pain make seasons of joy so much sweeter.
    
27. Last but not least, learned that in ALL things, God works for the GOOD of His children.

Wow. That was refreshing. So here's to 27 years!