How I'm doing...

I think Mercy Me's song homesick says it all.

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Making sense of it all...

This is a modified excerpt of a message I left one of my former students who was concerned about how we were doing... I'm sure he and many others out there are equally concerned about us... I know some are afraid to ask in fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting us... others are just lost for words... So I thought I'd just let you know how we've been doing 24 hours since the news. It's not easy... and it's going to be a long journey... But that journey has to start somewhere. Better sooner than later.

There no easy way to deal with these parts of life... No one teaches you how to feel, how to react, what to say, and what to think... One moment you're planning a life with this person, and the next he/she's just gone. The word unexpected just doesn't seem to be adequate in this situation.

We did everything right. I ate right, slept early, didn't carry anything heavy, didn't run, didn't jump, went for my regular checkups, stayed away from second hand smoke, took no tinge of alcohol, took my folic acid pills daily, prayed for baby almost everyday... I did all I could to ensure his/her safety. But sometimes, there are things we just cannot control...

So many parts of my heart are aching and I never knew I had these many tears to cry. I know it's the same for Justin... We're both dealing with it in our own ways. But the impact is equal for the both of us as for our families and close friends.

But one thing remains, God is still good. He is so very good. We may not understand why He has to take baby away. Neither do we like it. But He sees things we can't... He knows things we don't... So in times like these... the only way we can survive is to believe and trust in faith that He is God, and He knows what He's doing... There was a reason why He had to take baby home... I will know why when I get home someday.

As for now, we praise God that baby is in heaven, and is spared the many sufferings that this world brings. Right now he/she is safe in the arms of Jesus, playing with the many children there and even with Justin's and my grandpa. Oh how blessed the child is to be born into a world with no tears, no suffering, no pain, only love... tremendous love. I will see my baby when I get to heaven. Although we're not physically parents on this earth... but spiritually we already are...

So does my heart still ache? Yes it does. I'm still tearing at every thought of the baby and what could've been. I am only human... But each time I think of who God is, it hurts less and the pain becomes more bearable. So the song was right... turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim...

Our lives were meant to be living testimonies. This is the testimony of my baby's life.

God is still God, and He is still Good!

We just received shocking and numbing news... We lost our baby.

Ultrasound scan today showed a 8 week and 1 day old embryo only... when I am supposed to be 11 weeks... No heartbeat was detected... As such, it was concluded that we lost our baby 3 weeks ago.

We really can't begin to express what we're feeling.. mainly because we don't know what we're feeling yet...

But one thing is for sure... God is still God, and He is still Good. We don't know why this happened to us... neither can we guess... But God is in control. Always has always will be...

But thanks for your prayers and support throughout these 11 weeks... I can only thank God that our baby is now safe in the arms of Jesus, in Heaven where he/she belongs... free from suffering. To God be the glory, forever and ever... Amen

God's Providence

I'm pretty sure there are some people who wonder how Justin and I survive. Mainly pertaining to the financial part. We both don't make substantial amounts of money. Neither are we from rich backgrounds.

I shall reveal our secret today. But let me warn you, you may not like nor believe our secret. You've been warned. =)

I believe that the reason we are doing more than surviving is because of "heritage". Not so much financial heritages or inheritances, but spiritual and practical heritages. Growing up, our parents instilled tonnes of great wisdom and truths that we've seen and realised to be tremendously true and beneficial. Below are these truths/wisdom:

• 10% of all you earn goes back to God. (aka tithes). This is the first, most important and a no-no to touch. We believe that every cent we make ultimately belongs to God, we are merely stewards (you can debate on this with me another time). That said, in actual fact, 100% of everything we have belongs to Him, but to train us, God requires only 10%.

• Give to building/missions pledges. Inline with the above, we see providence as chances to bless others. So while we may not be out in the missions field, the very least we can do is to give. How much to do that... many people have many different ideas and rationalizations. But what has worked for us: we pray about it, and most times, we are challenged with an amount. Then we obey and tell God that we don't know where the money will come from, but we want to give ____ amount to you. And every single time, there is always just enough money to fulfill our pledges.

• 20% of all our paychecks go to the bank to remain untouched.

• Bless others. My parents have never let finances stand in between them giving to and blessing others. This spirit of generosity is something we work to instill in our marriage.

• Trust God for and in everything. That means sometimes trading our human understanding for heavenward understanding, learning to see God in everything, and not questioning Him.
  

So there you have it. 5 simple guidelines we abide to. We've been married since Dec 2007. We own a house, a car, and a baby is coming along the way. Still our trust remains in the Lord - the Maker of everything. =)

To God be the Glory. All Glory!

Something nice

I think I watched Wedding Singer. I think...

But here's something I found on Youtube. Really nice... Guys, really... try to be romantic lah... like this guy... I know it's Hollywood and all but... oh well...

Enjoy...

At the Cross

Once again, I'm draw back to the Cross. Where it all begun.

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x2)

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x4)

It was Him, it is Him, and it shall always be Him. Not husband, not child, not family, not friends, not money, not career, not a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction... but Him. It is He that is constantly with me, it is He that constantly loves me, it is He who wants me to be nothing but myself, it is He who I will see face to face when the earth fades and falls from my eyes. Not husband nor child, not family nor friends, not money nor career, not a sense of fulfillment nor satisfaction.

This fact helps me live on longer, fight harder, cry lesser, rejoice more. Knowing that the only person capable of being here for me from beginning to end, is the only one who will constantly, continually, never ceasingly, always always love me for me. That is the Cross for me. That He saw me first, chose me first, loved me first. Such is the GREATNESS and LOVE of our FATHER, our GOD and KING.

Updates on me

Feeling great this week! After the horrid fever on Sunday and Monday, I've recovered, and had a pleasant pleasant surprise! I've not been feeling nausea or gastritis!!! HOORAY!! All I can say is, THANK YOU GOD! and I never knew feeling normal was soo WONDERFUL!!!!

Interesting thing popped up yesterday evening, I've been feeling pains in my tail bone area, mainly pain in the bones... Interesting. Did some reading and it could be because of the enlargements that have to take place in the pelvic area to make room for baby =D

Watching and experiencing my body grow is so exciting!! So much needs to be done, so many adjustments - and it all happens naturally and automatically! What a great, great Creator our God is!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

HELLO READERS!!!

I am perky and chirpy!!! Yes I am!!! Got a fever on Sunday, which lead me on a horrid horrid Monday quarantine at home! But as of last night, I've felt something I've not felt in a while: I felt NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes NORMAL!!

I told Aunty Noreen, that I never knew feeling normal was soooooo WONDERFUL!!!! No nausea, no fever, no headaches, no sore throat, no bloatedness, no gastric, NOTHING. I FELT NORMAL!!!!! Thank You God for creating normal!!!!! I felt so energetic that I actually dragged Justin along for some minor grocery shopping and a walk around the housing estate!!! I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!!

But that was yesterday, this morning I woke up feeling really good as well. But now, my abdomen's feeling rather tender, bloaty, and sore. Wonder if it's because the pants I'm wearing is a little fitting. =/

But I'm still rejoicing!!!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for NORMAL!!! I simply CANNOT wait until the second trimester arrives!!! I have lots of shopping to do. =D Muahahahahaha.

And I also want to take this opportunity to thank my darling darling husband *clap clap clap* and family *clap clap clap*. Justin was waiting on me hand and foot, taking care of my every need when I was under the weather. My family has been very supportive, especially mom and lynn. =D I love you guys very very very very extra much!!! MUAhahahahah. Gosh, I'm so happy I feel like dancing!!!! XD

Feeling Bloated!

This week, our bub turns 9 weeks old! *clap clap clap* Lots of progress for the little bub. As of 2 weeks ago, I've been experiencing morning sickness. No actual vomiting, but feeling nausea and sick the whole morning till late afternoon isn't fun at all. Thank God, there is a remedy... never, NEVER let the tummy go hungry.. NEVER! Once it's empty, that's it.... acid builds up, and I get horrid gastritis and nausea. So for that to work, I have to constantly shove food into my mouth... Not a very pretty sight. One of my students Brandon always manages to catch me when I'm shoving food in...

Other than that, there is also a no-no when it comes to stuffing the tummy. Eat just enough to have it 80% full, but NEVER 100% or more, as that will cause more discomfort. Which is what I am currently feeling. Ate dinner at my mother's tonight, and the taste of home-cooked food from mom was so enticing to the taste buds. I thought I ate just the right amount, but I got tempted when she brought out Japanese pears and seedless oranges... Alas.... I had one too many and now I'm paying the price.

But all in all, I really would like to highlight how GREAT God has been! The morning sickness could've very well been much worse! In all of this, I thank God for a WONDERFUL husband who has been waiting on me hand and foot... I know it's not easy... Honey, I love you very very very much! And what is very assuring is that I know at this very second, my Creator is with our child, shaping and forming him/her, right now, their spirits may be linked already! Just that thought is so reassuring because I know he/she is in the best possible hands!


I'm looking forward to the next time I get to see our bub: on 20th May. by that time he/she should be about 11 weeks. =D Exciting!!!!!!!