Desert experience

Ever been through one? I used to think it was just that one off period of being dry and parched until a month or so back. I realised that I've probably been wandering in the desert for a long time now. It slowly crept in, I got used to it, and it grew on me.

Took me a while but I realised "hey, how come I no longer feel relaxed, at ease, fluid, abundant, blessed?" I attributed it to the surge of pregnancy hormones and moodiness. But deep down I knew it was something more... something so much drier. It became clearer to me when I looked myself in the mirror and what looked back at me felt so foreign. I rationalized that it must be motherhood and adulthood growing on me. I'm going on 29 and already I'm a mother of one and one on the way. But yet again I felt it was something much drier.. a desert.

I miss those days where I sang freely, cried freely, laughed freely. Where I could walk and talk with God so freely. Nowadays I have checklists, things to be done, roles to play. It seems like at work and at home, I am needed somewhere, somehow. I have no more alone time. Even when I am physically alone, my thought are not, my emotion are not. I somehow have some issue to deal with, some event to oversee, some thing to worry about, someone to care for. I lost me.

I'm clingy as a mother. I am with my daughter 24/7. Gotten so used to having her by my side that when she's not with me (like when she took a 2 hour trip out for her birthday shopping treat with my parents) I felt out of sorts, like a big part of me was missing and I was not intact. This feeling scares me and I find myself limiting me time just to be with her. And I suffer.

I know it's perfectly ok for mommies to take me time. In fact it's a life and sanity saver. But I'm just not able to do so yet. And I'm very well paying the price of it - lost of individuality, lost of identity perhaps. And then there's also this lost of connection with God. I know He's here, waiting patiently. But with the host of things, I find myself dictating everything that needs to be done to Him whenever we talk. I have no more patience to wait upon Him and to quietly seek His face. I need help.

I don't even know why I'm writing. I think it's so I could vent. So that these don't just remain as inner thoughts and eat me up inside. Oh Lord, please lead me as a shepherd leads a sheep back to still calm waters. I so desperately need a drink of water. I don't think I'll be able to last any longer without.