Really, what's beyond feeling drained? A feeling and state of being that's spelled "Numb". If emotions like anger, fatigue, loneliness, hopefulness, and determination exists, you have not reached rock bottom. You have not been totally drained.
Being a mother for 27 months now, minusing 37 weeks spent in pregnancy with my first born, I sometimes marvel at whatever got me through. First there was the whole adrenaline and high of being a first time parent, then there was the struggle to find new balance fueled by the knowledge that I could not stop doing what I needed to do. Because now there's a life that is totally dependent on me, (well, 2 lives if I counted the husband, but he'll never admit that he is dependent on me, nor need me). And this is a big thing. This knowledge/belief is enough to push me through 3 months of waking every 2 hours at night, or going for months without sound sleep (by that I mean 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep), then there's totally kissing all night life/social life away. And growing an extra layer of thick-skin to tell people, I can't make it for this and that, or we have to leave early because we can't afford to miss naptime/sleep time. And walk away knowing full well the amount of juicy gossip topics I've just given them.
Then after almost 2 years when I've more or less found balance and some consistent sleep, my childbearing instincts kick in and the yearning for a second child awakens. Soon comes the whole pregnancy process again. Only this time it's much harder because there's a toddler who's ever growing and constantly needing attention as she grows and goes through different stages of development. It's a scary time for her and she begins to feel and see her momma acting different now. That's a whole lot for her to take in. And this round the husband may also be more well prepared, which could go both ends: either being prepared enough to know what demands pregnancy and welcoming a new child would entail then picking up the load that the wife can no longer take... Or..... Realizing how little time he has left to do things he wanted to do, thereby proceeding to do all of them and leaving the load lying there... Or attempting to do both and realizing at the end that he's just kidding himself. Wait I just realized that's three not two ends.
So initially I thought I've hit rock bottom, then I realized I still had some fight left, so I fought to get things right, to find balance, and to be able to be happy and relaxed as I sail through this stage in life. Then more storms came, and then they'd settle and there'll be little waves here and ther, and then they'll settle, and then another storm. Suffice to say, I think I've finally reached rock bottom. I now feel numb. Like I couldn't really care less if the house looks like pigs live here, if my behavior would invite criticism, if I live up to my husband and child's expectations, if I live up to my own expectations, if I even am half of what the standard for a good I've and mother is, or if anything goes according to what I want, or even if I don't make it home from delivering my baby.
You know you've hit rock bottom when you feel numb and there's just no more fight left. I would usually hear myself saying you need a break, just take one then you'll feel better. To that m current answer is, break? How?
Saturday, September 01, 2012
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