What's beyond feeling Drained?

Really, what's beyond feeling drained? A feeling and state of being that's spelled "Numb". If emotions like anger, fatigue, loneliness, hopefulness, and determination exists, you have not reached rock bottom. You have not been totally drained.

Being a mother for 27 months now, minusing 37 weeks spent in pregnancy with my first born, I sometimes marvel at whatever got me through. First there was the whole adrenaline and high of being a first time parent, then there was the struggle to find new balance fueled by the knowledge that I could not stop doing what I needed to do. Because now there's a life that is totally dependent on me, (well, 2 lives if I counted the husband, but he'll never admit that he is dependent on me, nor need me). And this is a big thing. This knowledge/belief is enough to push me through 3 months of waking every 2 hours at night, or going for months without sound sleep (by that I mean 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep), then there's totally kissing all night life/social life away. And growing an extra layer of thick-skin to tell people, I can't make it for this and that, or we have to leave early because we can't afford to miss naptime/sleep time. And walk away knowing full well the amount of juicy gossip topics I've just given them.

Then after almost 2 years when I've more or less found balance and some consistent sleep, my childbearing instincts kick in and the yearning for a second child awakens. Soon comes the whole pregnancy process again. Only this time it's much harder because there's a toddler who's ever growing and constantly needing attention as she grows and goes through different stages of development. It's a scary time for her and she begins to feel and see her momma acting different now. That's a whole lot for her to take in. And this round the husband may also be more well prepared, which could go both ends: either being prepared enough to know what demands pregnancy and welcoming a new child would entail then picking up the load that the wife can no longer take... Or..... Realizing how little time he has left to do things he wanted to do, thereby proceeding to do all of them and leaving the load lying there... Or attempting to do both and realizing at the end that he's just kidding himself. Wait I just realized that's three not two ends.

So initially I thought I've hit rock bottom, then I realized I still had some fight left, so I fought to get things right, to find balance, and to be able to be happy and relaxed as I sail through this stage in life. Then more storms came, and then they'd settle and there'll be little waves here and ther, and then they'll settle, and then another storm. Suffice to say, I think I've finally reached rock bottom. I now feel numb. Like I couldn't really care less if the house looks like pigs live here, if my behavior would invite criticism, if I live up to my husband and child's expectations, if I live up to my own expectations, if I even am half of what the standard for a good I've and mother is, or if anything goes according to what I want, or even if I don't make it home from delivering my baby.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you feel numb and there's just no more fight left. I would usually hear myself saying you need a break, just take one then you'll feel better. To that m current answer is, break? How?

It's been a while since I've had the time and mood to reflect, let alone blog. Tonight something seems different.

I am currently at 38 weeks and 4 days. Had a few false alarms, biggest one being yesterday when contractions were so strong and I really thought we were going to welcome our son in a matter of days. But today's checkup showed a cervix that was tightly closed. The verdict = not anytime soon. In fact, he may just be overdue. My heart sank. I had anticipated and expected him to arrive last week in fact.

But as I spent tonight putting my first born - Alyssa to sleep. I felt something I hadn't felt for a while. As though I was able to focus totally on her and give her my fullest attention. Ever since finding out about this pregnancy on January 2nd, this whole time has just been filled with so many things that needed to be sorted out, experienced, fought etc. that somewhere along the line I stopped being a devoted mommy to Alyssa. She feels it.

Tonight as I stroked her head and twirled her hair while lulling her to sleep, I remembered seeing her for the first time, holding her for the first time, all those moments discovering parenthood with her. Learning life through the life of my first born. Those moments made me tear. This whole 38 weeks had zoomed pass and I've neglected her. She had grown so much under my nose. And she still in her cutest way tries to get my attention by calling out for me, needing me, wanting me, constantly trying to dig up new tricks to impress me. Just this evening she got hold of a birthday horn cum noise maker, blew into it and managed to make sound. She then looked at me with glee, "MOMMY! I DID IT!" Mommy clap!!!" Somewhere along the way I forgot to stop and marvel at how my precious one was developing. She is a superbly intelligent girl. Her grammar is really impeccable for one her age. She knows when to use her plurals, and her tenses are amazing! Don't even get me started on her logical and reasoning side - she got her amazing talents from her father. And just recently, she's started playing mommy. Her baby - Elmo, who now wears a diaper, romper, and is fed milk by an Avent bottle with a hanky around his neck. He also gets burped after every feeding. =)

She makes me so proud. She makes me so happy. But many times I'm just too engrossed with getting my checklists ticked off. I have tonnes of things to do everyday, and even her nap time has to be tailored to my lunch break so I can hurry off to attend to my students. Then in the holidays I'm so tired with life and pregnancy that all I want to do is to lay couch potato style.

Tonight I was reminded that it's a blessing that our son hasn't made his grand entrance yet, that gives me more time to spend with my first born in her last days/weeks of being our only child. After her didi arrives, it's not only my life that will change, hers will to, in ways that are a mega scale to her. People have been telling me to slow down, relax, and enjoy these remaining days. I haven't been able to for the million and one things I needed to get done to prep for our son. Tonight I was reminded that my daughter needs me. And I need her. She calls for me every night, and in the middle of the night. She gets up to check if I'm there, and occasionally climbs onto my bed to lay next to me on my pillow. She really needs me. And I thank God that He has graciously given me a wake up call and a little more time so I could realise just how much I missed this and how much I needed her. And thank God that tomorrow is a HOLIDAY! No work, no students, no checklist - just pure family time. =)

If you read this some day Alyssa, know that mommy loves you with all my heart. I'm sorry it took me this long to set my priorities right.

Desert experience

Ever been through one? I used to think it was just that one off period of being dry and parched until a month or so back. I realised that I've probably been wandering in the desert for a long time now. It slowly crept in, I got used to it, and it grew on me.

Took me a while but I realised "hey, how come I no longer feel relaxed, at ease, fluid, abundant, blessed?" I attributed it to the surge of pregnancy hormones and moodiness. But deep down I knew it was something more... something so much drier. It became clearer to me when I looked myself in the mirror and what looked back at me felt so foreign. I rationalized that it must be motherhood and adulthood growing on me. I'm going on 29 and already I'm a mother of one and one on the way. But yet again I felt it was something much drier.. a desert.

I miss those days where I sang freely, cried freely, laughed freely. Where I could walk and talk with God so freely. Nowadays I have checklists, things to be done, roles to play. It seems like at work and at home, I am needed somewhere, somehow. I have no more alone time. Even when I am physically alone, my thought are not, my emotion are not. I somehow have some issue to deal with, some event to oversee, some thing to worry about, someone to care for. I lost me.

I'm clingy as a mother. I am with my daughter 24/7. Gotten so used to having her by my side that when she's not with me (like when she took a 2 hour trip out for her birthday shopping treat with my parents) I felt out of sorts, like a big part of me was missing and I was not intact. This feeling scares me and I find myself limiting me time just to be with her. And I suffer.

I know it's perfectly ok for mommies to take me time. In fact it's a life and sanity saver. But I'm just not able to do so yet. And I'm very well paying the price of it - lost of individuality, lost of identity perhaps. And then there's also this lost of connection with God. I know He's here, waiting patiently. But with the host of things, I find myself dictating everything that needs to be done to Him whenever we talk. I have no more patience to wait upon Him and to quietly seek His face. I need help.

I don't even know why I'm writing. I think it's so I could vent. So that these don't just remain as inner thoughts and eat me up inside. Oh Lord, please lead me as a shepherd leads a sheep back to still calm waters. I so desperately need a drink of water. I don't think I'll be able to last any longer without.