It's been a while since I've had the time and mood to reflect, let alone blog. Tonight something seems different.

I am currently at 38 weeks and 4 days. Had a few false alarms, biggest one being yesterday when contractions were so strong and I really thought we were going to welcome our son in a matter of days. But today's checkup showed a cervix that was tightly closed. The verdict = not anytime soon. In fact, he may just be overdue. My heart sank. I had anticipated and expected him to arrive last week in fact.

But as I spent tonight putting my first born - Alyssa to sleep. I felt something I hadn't felt for a while. As though I was able to focus totally on her and give her my fullest attention. Ever since finding out about this pregnancy on January 2nd, this whole time has just been filled with so many things that needed to be sorted out, experienced, fought etc. that somewhere along the line I stopped being a devoted mommy to Alyssa. She feels it.

Tonight as I stroked her head and twirled her hair while lulling her to sleep, I remembered seeing her for the first time, holding her for the first time, all those moments discovering parenthood with her. Learning life through the life of my first born. Those moments made me tear. This whole 38 weeks had zoomed pass and I've neglected her. She had grown so much under my nose. And she still in her cutest way tries to get my attention by calling out for me, needing me, wanting me, constantly trying to dig up new tricks to impress me. Just this evening she got hold of a birthday horn cum noise maker, blew into it and managed to make sound. She then looked at me with glee, "MOMMY! I DID IT!" Mommy clap!!!" Somewhere along the way I forgot to stop and marvel at how my precious one was developing. She is a superbly intelligent girl. Her grammar is really impeccable for one her age. She knows when to use her plurals, and her tenses are amazing! Don't even get me started on her logical and reasoning side - she got her amazing talents from her father. And just recently, she's started playing mommy. Her baby - Elmo, who now wears a diaper, romper, and is fed milk by an Avent bottle with a hanky around his neck. He also gets burped after every feeding. =)

She makes me so proud. She makes me so happy. But many times I'm just too engrossed with getting my checklists ticked off. I have tonnes of things to do everyday, and even her nap time has to be tailored to my lunch break so I can hurry off to attend to my students. Then in the holidays I'm so tired with life and pregnancy that all I want to do is to lay couch potato style.

Tonight I was reminded that it's a blessing that our son hasn't made his grand entrance yet, that gives me more time to spend with my first born in her last days/weeks of being our only child. After her didi arrives, it's not only my life that will change, hers will to, in ways that are a mega scale to her. People have been telling me to slow down, relax, and enjoy these remaining days. I haven't been able to for the million and one things I needed to get done to prep for our son. Tonight I was reminded that my daughter needs me. And I need her. She calls for me every night, and in the middle of the night. She gets up to check if I'm there, and occasionally climbs onto my bed to lay next to me on my pillow. She really needs me. And I thank God that He has graciously given me a wake up call and a little more time so I could realise just how much I missed this and how much I needed her. And thank God that tomorrow is a HOLIDAY! No work, no students, no checklist - just pure family time. =)

If you read this some day Alyssa, know that mommy loves you with all my heart. I'm sorry it took me this long to set my priorities right.