Would you?

Would you still dance with me if you knew I'd step on your toes?
Would you still hold me if you knew I was covered in thorns?
Would you still dream with me if you knew I could never bring any one to pass?
Would you still look at me if you knew my beauty was only skin deep?
Would you still bear with me if you knew I could not bear with myself?
Would you still love me if you knew I would cause you great pain?
Would you still dance with me, hold me tight, dream with me, look at me, bear with me, love me, and grow old with me... Even if you knew I was never worthy of any of the above? Would you still?

Somebody that I used to know

Growing up I was a people pleaser. I got hurt. Then i grew up and decided to be "assertive", or so I called it. Rationalizing that being assertive is the right way to go. After all, who would respect someone who doesn't respect herself. And by being a doormat I was disrespecting myself.

So I changed. Lost friendships. And when I did get to mend them, they were never the same.

Then I started working, and found new purpose in my life. I was to change the world one student at a time! Oh how noble of me, or so I thought. Selfish. But soon the old surfaced a little, and I opened up and started to care again. Bam... I got hurt again.

So I decided enough is enough. I'm done. I've had enough. The world could go ram themselves on concrete walls for all I cared. And I stopped caring. Stopped opening my heart.
The irony is... When i was the old me, i was happier. I loved but I also got loved back. I gave grace, and in return I got grace back. I embraced those with imperfections, and in return, my imperfections were embraced. Now that I've changed... I stand alone. Alone. I should be happier but I'm not. I don't even know who I am anymore.

To protect myself, I hurt others...

And now I stand alone.

I need someone to tell me it’s ok being flawed… It’s ok making mistakes… It’s ok to have imperfections. It’s ok to be me. I used to have someone like that… who would accept me for everything I was and who could still look me square in the face and tell me I was ok, I was doing ok. But after putting up with me for a number of years, my corrosive imperfections finally got the better of him and now he’s gone. Ever so often now I find myself asking why can’t I be happy… Because all I want is just to be happy… Reality Therapy is right.

Maybe that’s the problem… I have somehow decided that I need some external force to validate my existence, to tell me I’m doing ok, to make me feel loved. But that’s just not how the world works… and seriously… no one is responsible for making me feel loved and happy but me.

I admire all of you who can make yourselves happy. I wish I knew how. Changing this will probably mean a total overhaul of my being.

Someone commented that I’m reaching burnout. And my response, oh really?

I am a mother of two. I work a full time job which is really emotionally and mentally demanding a lot of times. On top of that I bring my two kids to work with me… that means I can neither be fully work mode, or fully mother mode. I have to juggle two at the same time and pray I don’t screw up any. I am constantly on edge, because there is constantly a long list of things to do… children and work related. It will be horrible if I forget any thing on my to-pack-for-baby-and-toddler list, or my to-do-at-work list. And then there are duties at home. Clothes to be washed, hung, folded; floor to be swept and mopped; inventory to be kept – diapers, milk powder, and any other baby and home related things.

Then there’s working on the marriage part… which I have forgot how to. I have forgotten how to be romantic. I forgot how it is to have fun with my husband.

So now I’m here throwing a pity party. Am I happy? No. So in Reality Therapy methodology… what now? What should I do now? I don’t know… I think I should go buy myself some flowers.