Aloneness vs Loneliness

Aloneness
adj.

1. Being apart from others; solitary.

Loneliness
adj.

1. Without companions; lone.

Aloneness vs, Loneliness. We've all been there at one point or another. Alot of times aloneness is really welcomed, but not so much with loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling that no one is covering your back, it's the feeling that you have to constantly be on your guard in case something goes wrong. It's the feeling that you have to run for shelther under a rock or a tree when a storm arrives, it's the feeling of lots of helplessness and hopelessness. It's just the feeling that you have no one and belong no where.

I feel that many times. I used to think that after I find my soulmate, I'll be fine. After I get married I'll cease to be lonely. Wrong. Very wrong.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's my pregger's hormones going haywire. But I just feel so.... lonely.

You know better than I

A while ago, Mishie sent me a soundtrack from the animation King of Dreams - You know better than I. It has touched me in so many ways.

Today again, I am reminded that He knows so so so much better than I. No shame in it, because it once again gave me rest and relief. To know that I may screw up big time, but He knows better than I, and is better than I. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be His.

Are you sinless?

A day Christ suffered and died for sins He never committed. The word suffered is such a common word. We say, I'm suffering from a flu, I'm suffering a back pain, I'm suffering from constipation.

The true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ, NO man can comprehend. We cannot reenact the crucifixion, neither can we try to understand what it must have took for Christ to suffer the weight of obedience even till death. It was not the mere physical torture inflicted upon a human body - Many devotees practice self-mutilation by reenacting the crucifixion scene for various reasons. But it was not the mere physical torture that caused Christ's heart to be heavy even till death. It was the weight of the sins of EVERY single human being who had, was, and would ever walk the earth. It was the weight of the sins of such a infinite number of people. It was the guilt, sin, shame, abandonment, loneliness, and ugliness of human nature ever since the fall of Adam until the destruction of the earth.

Yet when we gaze upon the cross, we have such little understanding of the true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ. We mock the cross in so many ways.

We hardly dwell upon the weight of the cross. We hardly feel or recognize that Christ died for the sins we've done, are doing, and WILL continue to do. We do not feel that we need deliverance, salvation, and forgiveness. We do not recognize that we are sinners.

God came for the sinners, not the righteous. It is the sick who need a doctor, not the healthy. Is there a healthy person? Is there a righteous person? By what measure do we determine a righteous or unrighteous person? By what merit system can one obtain righteousness? By what deeds can one lesson the guilt of sin? By what means can one be sinless? Is there any sinless person upon the face of this earth? Is there anyone who has NEVER sinned in their lives? Never told a lie? Never stole anything? Never thought a dirty lustful thought? Never wished another person dead? Have you never sinned?

How then can we assume we are without fault? without sin? without the NEED to be redeemed, forgiven, saved?

This Good Friday, I realized that to begin to understand the sacrifice of Christ, the passion of Christ, the love of Christ, the sufferings of Christ, prerequisites the understanding of how much a sinner you are, the ugliness of your life, and how helpless and incapable you are to save your own soul.

Without the knowledge of how much a sinner you are, you simply cannot see Christ, you cannot understand. You will not understand.

It is by His sheer mercy and grace that you realize how much you need God today. And realize that He is the ONLY Way, the ONLY Truth, and the ONLY Life.

Let's stop playing games, let us look at ourselves for what we're truly worth today. Let us see pass our own defense mechanisms, let us look into the depths of our souls and see ourselves for what and who we are. Then maybe we'll begin to understand the sufferings of Christ.

In HIM, all things hold together

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together - Colossians 1:17 NIV

Visit: .:Baby Steps:.

Before we got married, things on the discussion list included 'having children'. I was very vocal about wanting to have kids - 2 in fact. And my then, dear hubby-to-be, often replied with a nice obliging smile. We'd talk about how we'd raise our kids, what values we'd like to instill, how we'd teach him/her to put God first, to love God, and to serve Him.

But the general understanding was that there was to be a 2 years gap before the baby for us to get used to each other, build a strong foundation for our family, and enjoy each others' company. However, somewhere between the engagement period and 2-3 months after we got married, a miscommunication came about: on my side of the fence, the 2 years meant, baby would be born somewhere nearing our 2 years of marriage; for Justin, it meant baby "production" would start after 2 years of marriage. Long story short, we discussed and decided that we'd start baby production this July after coming back from Aussie. That time, masters would be done, we'd just returned from a wonderful holiday, so our bodies and minds would've been seemingly relaxed and ready for baby production! What a beautiful and perfect plan right?

So ever since we got married, we've been very careful. Diligently counting fertile dates, and staying away from them. It has worked marvelously! Kudos kudos to us! But last month, my cycle decided to go haywire, and ovulation came MUCH earlier. That was it. 2 weeks down, I felt weird.... somehow felt that I was pregnant. Of course to my logic-driven hubby, it was just me being paranoid. So we bought a pregnancy testing kit (PTK) and it came out negative. Justin had a smug victorious face, kinda like... "phew, that was close!". While I was more disapointed than happy. So life went on as usual, until 3 weeks after that when my period didn't come and I really started feeling weird. So I bought 2 tests. Last Saturday (28/2/09) night after dinner, I took the test, peed into a cup, and dipped it in. I watched as the PTK soaked up the urine, and went through the test region, all I saw was watermarks, nothing else. Disapointed, I packed up everything and tossed them in the trash. Turned around to get the PTK, and saw 2 lines... one control line and a faint test line... My heart must've stopped as I yelled, DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forwarding the story, we concluded that since that was a cheap PTK, it could've been a mistake. Next morning, we tested with a ClearBlue PTK. This time, Justin was the one who handled the dipping. And the positive mark was superbly clear and dark. We stared at it, studied it, studied the box, studied it again... and all we could say was... "wow..... wow...... wow".

Met the gynae yesterday (wednesday, 1/4/09) and it was confirmed - WE'RE PREGNANT!!! But we couldn't see the embryo yet as it's still tiny. So till date, I'm 5 weeks along! Scheduled to go back in 3 weeks to check if the embryo is properly rooted in the uterus where it's supposed to be. I announced to my family and a few close friends yesterday and some didn't believe because of the irony of April 1st. Sigh.

Due date is approx 4th Dec 2009. And I thought posting on the blog will be a good way to announce this. =D

So to those who are concerned about us, we'll need your support. For those who worry if we can handle this, we say, we have God on our side - our Maker, rock, and teacher.