Would you?

Would you still dance with me if you knew I'd step on your toes?
Would you still hold me if you knew I was covered in thorns?
Would you still dream with me if you knew I could never bring any one to pass?
Would you still look at me if you knew my beauty was only skin deep?
Would you still bear with me if you knew I could not bear with myself?
Would you still love me if you knew I would cause you great pain?
Would you still dance with me, hold me tight, dream with me, look at me, bear with me, love me, and grow old with me... Even if you knew I was never worthy of any of the above? Would you still?

Somebody that I used to know

Growing up I was a people pleaser. I got hurt. Then i grew up and decided to be "assertive", or so I called it. Rationalizing that being assertive is the right way to go. After all, who would respect someone who doesn't respect herself. And by being a doormat I was disrespecting myself.

So I changed. Lost friendships. And when I did get to mend them, they were never the same.

Then I started working, and found new purpose in my life. I was to change the world one student at a time! Oh how noble of me, or so I thought. Selfish. But soon the old surfaced a little, and I opened up and started to care again. Bam... I got hurt again.

So I decided enough is enough. I'm done. I've had enough. The world could go ram themselves on concrete walls for all I cared. And I stopped caring. Stopped opening my heart.
The irony is... When i was the old me, i was happier. I loved but I also got loved back. I gave grace, and in return I got grace back. I embraced those with imperfections, and in return, my imperfections were embraced. Now that I've changed... I stand alone. Alone. I should be happier but I'm not. I don't even know who I am anymore.

To protect myself, I hurt others...

And now I stand alone.

I need someone to tell me it’s ok being flawed… It’s ok making mistakes… It’s ok to have imperfections. It’s ok to be me. I used to have someone like that… who would accept me for everything I was and who could still look me square in the face and tell me I was ok, I was doing ok. But after putting up with me for a number of years, my corrosive imperfections finally got the better of him and now he’s gone. Ever so often now I find myself asking why can’t I be happy… Because all I want is just to be happy… Reality Therapy is right.

Maybe that’s the problem… I have somehow decided that I need some external force to validate my existence, to tell me I’m doing ok, to make me feel loved. But that’s just not how the world works… and seriously… no one is responsible for making me feel loved and happy but me.

I admire all of you who can make yourselves happy. I wish I knew how. Changing this will probably mean a total overhaul of my being.

Someone commented that I’m reaching burnout. And my response, oh really?

I am a mother of two. I work a full time job which is really emotionally and mentally demanding a lot of times. On top of that I bring my two kids to work with me… that means I can neither be fully work mode, or fully mother mode. I have to juggle two at the same time and pray I don’t screw up any. I am constantly on edge, because there is constantly a long list of things to do… children and work related. It will be horrible if I forget any thing on my to-pack-for-baby-and-toddler list, or my to-do-at-work list. And then there are duties at home. Clothes to be washed, hung, folded; floor to be swept and mopped; inventory to be kept – diapers, milk powder, and any other baby and home related things.

Then there’s working on the marriage part… which I have forgot how to. I have forgotten how to be romantic. I forgot how it is to have fun with my husband.

So now I’m here throwing a pity party. Am I happy? No. So in Reality Therapy methodology… what now? What should I do now? I don’t know… I think I should go buy myself some flowers.

What's beyond feeling Drained?

Really, what's beyond feeling drained? A feeling and state of being that's spelled "Numb". If emotions like anger, fatigue, loneliness, hopefulness, and determination exists, you have not reached rock bottom. You have not been totally drained.

Being a mother for 27 months now, minusing 37 weeks spent in pregnancy with my first born, I sometimes marvel at whatever got me through. First there was the whole adrenaline and high of being a first time parent, then there was the struggle to find new balance fueled by the knowledge that I could not stop doing what I needed to do. Because now there's a life that is totally dependent on me, (well, 2 lives if I counted the husband, but he'll never admit that he is dependent on me, nor need me). And this is a big thing. This knowledge/belief is enough to push me through 3 months of waking every 2 hours at night, or going for months without sound sleep (by that I mean 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep), then there's totally kissing all night life/social life away. And growing an extra layer of thick-skin to tell people, I can't make it for this and that, or we have to leave early because we can't afford to miss naptime/sleep time. And walk away knowing full well the amount of juicy gossip topics I've just given them.

Then after almost 2 years when I've more or less found balance and some consistent sleep, my childbearing instincts kick in and the yearning for a second child awakens. Soon comes the whole pregnancy process again. Only this time it's much harder because there's a toddler who's ever growing and constantly needing attention as she grows and goes through different stages of development. It's a scary time for her and she begins to feel and see her momma acting different now. That's a whole lot for her to take in. And this round the husband may also be more well prepared, which could go both ends: either being prepared enough to know what demands pregnancy and welcoming a new child would entail then picking up the load that the wife can no longer take... Or..... Realizing how little time he has left to do things he wanted to do, thereby proceeding to do all of them and leaving the load lying there... Or attempting to do both and realizing at the end that he's just kidding himself. Wait I just realized that's three not two ends.

So initially I thought I've hit rock bottom, then I realized I still had some fight left, so I fought to get things right, to find balance, and to be able to be happy and relaxed as I sail through this stage in life. Then more storms came, and then they'd settle and there'll be little waves here and ther, and then they'll settle, and then another storm. Suffice to say, I think I've finally reached rock bottom. I now feel numb. Like I couldn't really care less if the house looks like pigs live here, if my behavior would invite criticism, if I live up to my husband and child's expectations, if I live up to my own expectations, if I even am half of what the standard for a good I've and mother is, or if anything goes according to what I want, or even if I don't make it home from delivering my baby.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you feel numb and there's just no more fight left. I would usually hear myself saying you need a break, just take one then you'll feel better. To that m current answer is, break? How?

It's been a while since I've had the time and mood to reflect, let alone blog. Tonight something seems different.

I am currently at 38 weeks and 4 days. Had a few false alarms, biggest one being yesterday when contractions were so strong and I really thought we were going to welcome our son in a matter of days. But today's checkup showed a cervix that was tightly closed. The verdict = not anytime soon. In fact, he may just be overdue. My heart sank. I had anticipated and expected him to arrive last week in fact.

But as I spent tonight putting my first born - Alyssa to sleep. I felt something I hadn't felt for a while. As though I was able to focus totally on her and give her my fullest attention. Ever since finding out about this pregnancy on January 2nd, this whole time has just been filled with so many things that needed to be sorted out, experienced, fought etc. that somewhere along the line I stopped being a devoted mommy to Alyssa. She feels it.

Tonight as I stroked her head and twirled her hair while lulling her to sleep, I remembered seeing her for the first time, holding her for the first time, all those moments discovering parenthood with her. Learning life through the life of my first born. Those moments made me tear. This whole 38 weeks had zoomed pass and I've neglected her. She had grown so much under my nose. And she still in her cutest way tries to get my attention by calling out for me, needing me, wanting me, constantly trying to dig up new tricks to impress me. Just this evening she got hold of a birthday horn cum noise maker, blew into it and managed to make sound. She then looked at me with glee, "MOMMY! I DID IT!" Mommy clap!!!" Somewhere along the way I forgot to stop and marvel at how my precious one was developing. She is a superbly intelligent girl. Her grammar is really impeccable for one her age. She knows when to use her plurals, and her tenses are amazing! Don't even get me started on her logical and reasoning side - she got her amazing talents from her father. And just recently, she's started playing mommy. Her baby - Elmo, who now wears a diaper, romper, and is fed milk by an Avent bottle with a hanky around his neck. He also gets burped after every feeding. =)

She makes me so proud. She makes me so happy. But many times I'm just too engrossed with getting my checklists ticked off. I have tonnes of things to do everyday, and even her nap time has to be tailored to my lunch break so I can hurry off to attend to my students. Then in the holidays I'm so tired with life and pregnancy that all I want to do is to lay couch potato style.

Tonight I was reminded that it's a blessing that our son hasn't made his grand entrance yet, that gives me more time to spend with my first born in her last days/weeks of being our only child. After her didi arrives, it's not only my life that will change, hers will to, in ways that are a mega scale to her. People have been telling me to slow down, relax, and enjoy these remaining days. I haven't been able to for the million and one things I needed to get done to prep for our son. Tonight I was reminded that my daughter needs me. And I need her. She calls for me every night, and in the middle of the night. She gets up to check if I'm there, and occasionally climbs onto my bed to lay next to me on my pillow. She really needs me. And I thank God that He has graciously given me a wake up call and a little more time so I could realise just how much I missed this and how much I needed her. And thank God that tomorrow is a HOLIDAY! No work, no students, no checklist - just pure family time. =)

If you read this some day Alyssa, know that mommy loves you with all my heart. I'm sorry it took me this long to set my priorities right.

Desert experience

Ever been through one? I used to think it was just that one off period of being dry and parched until a month or so back. I realised that I've probably been wandering in the desert for a long time now. It slowly crept in, I got used to it, and it grew on me.

Took me a while but I realised "hey, how come I no longer feel relaxed, at ease, fluid, abundant, blessed?" I attributed it to the surge of pregnancy hormones and moodiness. But deep down I knew it was something more... something so much drier. It became clearer to me when I looked myself in the mirror and what looked back at me felt so foreign. I rationalized that it must be motherhood and adulthood growing on me. I'm going on 29 and already I'm a mother of one and one on the way. But yet again I felt it was something much drier.. a desert.

I miss those days where I sang freely, cried freely, laughed freely. Where I could walk and talk with God so freely. Nowadays I have checklists, things to be done, roles to play. It seems like at work and at home, I am needed somewhere, somehow. I have no more alone time. Even when I am physically alone, my thought are not, my emotion are not. I somehow have some issue to deal with, some event to oversee, some thing to worry about, someone to care for. I lost me.

I'm clingy as a mother. I am with my daughter 24/7. Gotten so used to having her by my side that when she's not with me (like when she took a 2 hour trip out for her birthday shopping treat with my parents) I felt out of sorts, like a big part of me was missing and I was not intact. This feeling scares me and I find myself limiting me time just to be with her. And I suffer.

I know it's perfectly ok for mommies to take me time. In fact it's a life and sanity saver. But I'm just not able to do so yet. And I'm very well paying the price of it - lost of individuality, lost of identity perhaps. And then there's also this lost of connection with God. I know He's here, waiting patiently. But with the host of things, I find myself dictating everything that needs to be done to Him whenever we talk. I have no more patience to wait upon Him and to quietly seek His face. I need help.

I don't even know why I'm writing. I think it's so I could vent. So that these don't just remain as inner thoughts and eat me up inside. Oh Lord, please lead me as a shepherd leads a sheep back to still calm waters. I so desperately need a drink of water. I don't think I'll be able to last any longer without.

Being a pastor's kid

I'm born to not one, but two senior pastors. I am the eldest, and grew up as the oldest and only kid in church until more kids were born a few years after me. So I've had my fair share of attention and criticism growing up. I honestly never knew the difference between being a pastor's kid and being a church member's kid until I was much older. For the most part of my childhood, it was all good. Speaking behind the pulpit was something my dad did on Sundays, and on Mondays - Saturdays (with the exception of night prayer meetings/cell groups, and fellowship nights), my dad was a regular dad. Err.. except his office was at home so I grew up with two parents 24/7.

I guess I never really realized what being a pastor's kid meant until I was a ministers' retreat. And the youth pastor decided to have a discussion where everyone was to share how they felt being a pastor's kid. And then it started, it seemed that everyone fell to either side of the fence 1. Ooh I love it, how God has chosen us and we are the chosen family blah blah blah, or 2. I hate it, everyone holds me to a higher standard, I can't make mistakes blah blah blah. I can't remember what I said, but I knew for the first time I realized being a pastor's kid was THIS interesting wan ah??

 Then I grew older and started becoming more aware of the silent games Christians play. First came comments about dressing, then came comments about slang (no dirty words, just jargon), then it graduated into everything else. Long story short, I realized that we have been bombarded by lots of crap for many years,  but my parents always shielded it from us, while being extra strict. Growing up, I wasn't allowed alot of freedom, my parents were strict as strict can be, and I never got off easy when it came to discipline when I've done wrong. But on hindsight, I think the expectations of church members had a role to play in that.

I remember growing my own "voice" as I grew older. Going to college and majoring in Psychology certainly gave me more understanding, insight, and arrogance when it came to dealing with people. So I started fighting back, talking back, and well... you can more or less guess what happened. More criticism.

So then things took a back seat and I grew more, and learned more. And concluded, I never want to be a pastor's wife, cause I never want to see my children suffer like this. Whether or not I get this prayer answered is another story to be told some other day.

Now, I'm pushing 30, I'm seemingly older and wiser. If I were to answer the question again as to what it's like being a pastor's kid, I think I'd say, it's tough. So tough that you'll never understand unless you are one. Pastors can't understand because they chose the road of servitude by answering their call, but their children had no such 'choice'. Pastor's children are 'born' into this hard road. Maybe that's why lots of them rebel? So yes, it's not something that any church member can ever understand. It's different when you're a church leader/deacon's child. It's just tougher. You become an extension of your parents. So when the extension of the "leader" falls, everyone points fingers. Kinda like.. "cheh, you can't even lead your child to the road of glory, why should I believe in you" and then they use this as an excuse to cover up their guilty conscience and leave church. This is a down right immature thought, which I will not debate here.

So yes, it is very tough being a pastor's kid. But with hindsight and after lots of arguing with God, denial, anger etc... I believe it indeed is a blessing to be born into a pastor's family. Putting extra angpow/christmas presents aside,  I've had the privilege to witnessing firsthand how God works so miraculously. I've experienced needs being met and fulfilled in ways that can only be described as supernatural. I've experienced what it truly means to be called and handpicked into ministry by God. I've witnessed what it means to literally take up your cross and die to self. I've experienced the sweetness of following Jesus even when everyone else scoffs, mocks, and wrongfully accuses you. I've watched how my parents have chose to obey God all the way, believe in Him all the way, and finally have Him show up in all His splendor and majesty.

I've experienced this, and have found who God really is to me.

Now I have Aly. She's the first grandchild of 2 senior pastors, a daughter of the worship director, niece of a young pastor, and she is growing up in homeschool where they learn about Jesus everyday. I don't know what life holds for her. And I don't know what kind of scrutiny she may come under. But I sure know who holds her hand.

I don't really know why I'm typing this. I guess it's just to hopefully give you an insight into your own pastor's family. I really started out this post by thinking it's time to share my side of the story. But at the end, I find myself feeling uplifted... like it all doesn't matter. I'm still being criticized. Still being scrutinized. But it doesn't matter. I know I have a mission to do here. This place is not my home. So I'll do what I need to do, do it well, and when it's time to go, I'll go with no regrets. Criticisms, remarks, hurts, victories, vindication, they have one thing in common - they are all temporal.

So after all has been said and done, is being a pastor's kid bad/good - it doesn't really matter. =)

Oh the mystery of Ephesians 5

Wives and Husbands

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing^b her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 I've struggled with this portion of scripture since forever. On good days, it's sooo easy to submit, obey, to follow the husband's lead. But on bad days - days when I've been giving until I'm dry and yet there are still demand, days when I'm feeling down, PMS days, days when everyone else comes first and no one remembers me - I find it hard to submit.

Especially when ideas and plans are just berserk! I am in a few areas sharper than the husband. But I've found that I do not have the liberty to say things. And when I do, I have to always pick my words, tone, and mood properly. Failing to execute any of the above properly will result in me bruising some ego.

Ever since becoming a mom, it's been tiring. I've never experienced "dying to self" so much and so hard. And yet, it's still not enough. I am still not enough. 

If I could wish for something, I would wish to just run away for a while. Maybe half a day? Just run away and to do things for me, and most importantly, for mommy/wife guilt to leave me be!

I don't know how to submit when my emotional tank is running on negative numbers. 

Now I remember something I heard many years ago... women are special, they are strong. Because when the whole world ceases to act as it should, mothers and wives can't, and they don't. They just keep moving, keep working, keep loving, keep sheltering. 

I guess it's time for me to grow up. Instead of complaining and crying, I should just suck it in and keep moving, keep working, keep loving, and keep sheltering. Lord, I don't know how to... please help.

He doesn't bring me flowers anymore...

..... he brings me Big Apple Donuts!! <3 <3 <3

I've known my husband for 9 years now, and been married to him for 3 years and counting. Taking a walk down memory lane made me realize that our love has changed. Matured. Sweetened.

Before, it used to be the standard, texting, talking on the phone which included "you put down the phone, no you put down the phone", can't stand to be apart from each other drama etc. But now it's changed that the only way I can describe it is that it's become sweeter - more mature.

We recently made a huge purchase - a spanking new car. It was a huge decision both financially, mentally, and emotionally. We were made to decide like adults - not be ruled by the car, but be ruled by weighing pros and cons, capabilities, etc. So it took a few weeks of mulling over the idea, trashing out feelings and thoughts, and finally making the decision together. I never knew buying a car would bring out so much closeness in a relationship. Upon closer inspection it wasn't that isolated event that brought us closer, it was just how much we've both changed. How much we've both been put through, how much we have been through that has brought us closer and caused that sweet maturing.

I've gained a new respect for my husband that caused me to fall in love with him all over again. =) Watching how he deals with the everyday things like taking out the trash, remembering that I like roasted chicken wing rice with char siew sauce packed separately, remembering to take my watch to get its battery changed amidst his very packed schedule. And then watching him in the bigger things like analyzing the facts, pros and cons of cars, finances what nots. And then watching him in the biggest of things like striving to stay close to God, spending every ounce of free time and energy with Aly and me, being so patient with Aly, animating Aly's bear just so he could make her chuckle, sacrificing his sleep just because Aly has woken up and is calling him to "go" out for a walk... then watching him stay by my side as we battle through the array of  my irrational emotional outbursts and meltdowns.

I dare say that I love my husband now, more than I've ever in the past. More than when I first had a crush on him, more than the exciting "does he like me, does he not" phase, more than when we started courting, more than when he proposed, more than our wedding day.

So this man who came into my life 9 years ago is a keeper. I will to stay by his side till death doeth us part.

=)

Thank you for the donuts dar.

The Lead Role

Very frankly, I believe that I am very capable... and have somehow concluded that there are many things that only I can do, and that no one can do a better job that I can. As a result... I do everything and often get very frustrated that people aren't helping enough, aren't mind-reading enough, aren't understanding enough, aren't capable enough. Irony.

I've been experiencing burn out ever since Toothless came along. Before her, I was able to do the things I did really well. Now with her, I still try to do the tings I used to do, but obviously not to the standards of perfection I'm accustomed to. As a result, I believe I have failed, and am a failure.

In devotion today, I realized something new. Maybe I should just stop doing so many things. Because I am not that all perfect. The problem with me is that I've pegged my self-worth to the things that I do. I am defined by the things I do. Which is the root of the problem. My high need for control and my stubborn temperament makes it hard for others to step into my turf (even God), as a result, people stay clear when I'm doing something. Which makes me feel alone, and in the end I don't get what I really want - which is to be loved, respected, valued, and taken care of. The irony.

So I'll make this my resolution: to try to constantly remember that I am not great, I am not God. Therefore I should not play God. I can only do so much. So it's time to take a back seat and enjoy the view instead of running around like a headless chicken to seemingly "get things going" when they very well can without me.

Here's the devotion that sparked this. I was about to delete it from my email when something prompted me to read it. Thank You Holy Spirit for still speaking.

January 20, 2011Role ReversalWendy Pope 

"Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me." Matthew 12:30 (NLT)

Devotion:Confession: I have a control issue. More often than not, I take life's situations in my hands. I try to control and manipulate the outcome, then dare to ask God to bless it. In recent days the Lord has taught me a simple but profound truth: when I don't work with Him, I am actually working against Him.

This truth came to light during an early morning quiet time as I read Oswald Chambers' words in My Utmost for His Highest: 

"Are we playing the part of an amateur providence, trying to play God's role in the lives of others? Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert."

Chambers defines an "amateur providence" as someone who tries to play the role of God in the lives of others. These words pierced my heart as I identified myself as an amateur providence in another's life. Whose? My husband's.

You see, when the vow "I do" did not instantly morph my husband into the spiritual leader I thought he should be, I took it upon myself to help him. Yes, I played the role of "Holy Spirit" for my husband quite nicely. Manipulating situations, quoting the Bible, and using the silent treatment became an art.

Even with all the masterful skills I had developed over our years of marriage, my husband still wasn't the spiritual leader I wanted him to be. I prayed and worked harder at crafting my skills to no avail. Why weren't all my efforts paying off? What else could I do? The day I read Oswald's words I got my answer. I shut my mouth and boy, was my spirit on alert.

Manipulating, Bible quoting, and giving silent treatments hadn't helped my husband at all. My role as "Holy Spirit" in my husband's life was so noisy, God's whispers to him could not be heard. My obsession with improving my husband's spirituality was working against God.

I grew blinded to the man my husband had become, the man God wanted him to be. Somehow I had missed the benevolence of his heart. I failed to notice the way he was drawn to taking care of widows and quietly helping those who are less fortunate and in need.

Quickly I took the Spirit's alert to heart. Confessing my sin, I asked the Lord to forgive me for trying to do His job in my husband's life. I invited Him to change my heart and help me see my husband through His eyes.

Retiring the lead role of "Holy Spirit" to my husband was not easy. Controlling things is a real issue for me. There are people who I believe I can help and situations I believe need my assistance. However, discovering the lead role is best played by God and submitting to this truth has brought great peace to my life and marriage.

Have you cast yourself in a role you weren't meant to play? Are you working with God or against Him in the lives of those you love? Retire that role today. The view from the front row is more awesome than the one from center stage!

Dear Lord, God forgive me for trying to control the lives of those around me. Today I release control into Your very capable hands. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Good girls like Bad boys

I've heard quite a number of complaints regarding the fairer sex. The saying "men like stability while women like change" has become one staple statement when discussions about the differences between sexes take place; along with the famous Chinese saying "men not bad, women don't love". So I've been mulling over these two statements for a while and have decided that to give my 2 cents worth.

First stop, I agree with both statements and have found that both statements are not mutually exclusive.

To understand this, one must first have at least some sort of understanding about how men and women operate. Now I am in no way any expert, so please do not quote/misquote me.

Men (well, most men) are logic driven. What that simply means is that they use their heads more than their hearts. Take for example, buying a car, a man is more likely to survey things like performance, petrol consumption, the price tag, and then looks. Whereas women, like me, will probably start with looks first then go down the line and end with performance. 6 speed gear box, 5 speed gear box whhhat??? I just chuck it to D and it drives! Again, this is seriously over generalized, there ARE men and women who don't fall into the above scenarios at all.

So when a man, at least my man, makes decisions, he is very likely to weigh out the pros and cons, keep their emotions aside and make the most 'logical' decision. That said, they are sometimes persuaded to do otherwise by their emotional side they like to label "passion". Tee hee!!

Whereas, women are really quite different. I observe many preschooler girls and they almost always like playing "house", "tea party", and "family". All plays include some form of nurturing. Somewhere some role will feature a mimicry of a mother telling the others how to act. There's always something that can be better in the house, some person that could hold the teacup more correctly, someone who needs to change the dolly's dirty diapers etc. I guess what I've really observed is how much girls like to fix things! So as we grow up, we carry with us a need to fix things we like to label "nurturing" or "bringing out the full potential of... insert name here... ". Which is why the "badder" guy we get, the more "nurturing" we can do! And to be able to single handedly 'CHANGE' our man gives us great pleasure. Then we feel oh-so-special and powerful. =/

This is where the issue starts. Men have surveyed their choice of a mate, paid the deposit and signed the documents. Now all there is to it is to sit down and enjoy his "purchase". But this unsuspecting fellow soon realizes that the paying never stops. There's a career he's expected to advance in, a fatter paycheck he's expected to rake in, an ever growing belly he's expected to not have, the trash he's expected to take out, the family outings he's expected to drive everyone to, the mr. fix-it-all, and know-it-all roles that he's supposed to pay. And at most times, when he thinks he's achieved THE goal, he's disappointed to find that all he gets is a pre-programmed congratulatory note that reads "congratulations Mr XXXX you have successfully conquered stage 1002, stage 1003 will commence in 3....2....1..." It is as though there's constantly something about him that needs fixing.

His wife more of less responsible for this. (sorry ladies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say this)

How?

Our little young minds were poisoned by Disneyland and fairy tales. The oh-so-cliche dashing heroic price's love for a maiden he's only met in a dream causes him to risks all and battle the ferocious dragon etc etc... he slays the dragon, saves the maiden, they fall in love, kiss, and "they lived happily ever after". As much as we hate to admit it, inside most girls, cynical or not, is this pining to be like Cinderella, Snow White and all her other fairy tale sisters. So we sit and wait for the romance, the proposal, the lavish wedding, and fuss when we meet reality. When we realise that there is no pumpkin carriage, there is no happily ever after without hard work, and there that young dashing courageous prince that you married, decides he has done enough, kicks back and relaxes over football on TV. All of a sudden you're left with the house to clean, baby to feed, change, wash etc. Then you look at this man and realise "oh gosh, I married a toad!!!" That's where the "nurturing" and "unleashing full potential" comes in. Most of the women I know resort to nagging, and other more violent means.

In short, women try very hard to make their men into something. I write this because I've been doing a bit of reflection these past months and realised that I am in fact, wifezilla. In pursuit of my happily ever after, I bombard my husband with things like "why can't you...." and then try to cover up and sweeten it by saying "but I know you, I know you can become better.. don't you want to be better?" *sigh* *cringe*.

So I went back to the source and asked God why we were made so different? Why are men and women on opposite poles. Well the only answer I got was that so they could learn to love, respect, care for what they are not. then they will learn what it means to subject themselves to someone, and to forsake all to care for that someone. I believe that men and women were made sooooooooo different for many sound reasons. Reasons which we fail to comprehend most times. But what is suffice to say is, that have we as husband and wife / boyfriend and girlfriend learned to respect, accept, care for and help our partners? Help yes help! Just because we're to accept our partners doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to all his/her faults and mark it off as 'that's just the way he is' I believe we were also made (like iron) to hone and sharpen the other, yes ladies you can cheer now. That means that change has to come and will come. But the key is how it is inspired to come.

I've been learning that what works for me is when I really look at all my husband has done and is doing, and to recognize all the effort he's put in. It doesn't matter if I think I could do a better job that him in half the time. The fact is that he has given his best. So recognition is called for. Then sincere praise comes in. Let me tell you my dear sisters, that when you praise you man sincerely, you'll make a WHOLE lot of impact as compared to hours of nagging (I've been down that road).

So yes, if we ever find that we want our partners to change, first look at ourselves to figure if we're pulling as much weight, then figure out an effective game plan. Afterall you and your partner are in it together!

So my dear sisters, have you recognized your husband's efforts today? =)

Happy Birthday to me

To the people who made this day beautiful:
my parents, my sister, my students (you guys are AMAZING! You almost made me cry!!) and ex students (Yes I remember you guys!) I am so very blessed to have had the honor of having my path crossed yours. THANK YOU so very very much!

Lesson learned today..sometimes happiness lies within your own hands. =)

so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

27 gems for 27 years

In an hour or so I'll turn 27. That's a good 3 years from the big three-zero. Quite an achievement if you ask me. After a night of peace (Baby A fell asleep at 7pm), I am inspired to blog! So here goes a list of 27 gems of lessons learned and things to be thankful for.

1. Thank God for life. These past 2 years have been the hardest and the most rewarding thus far. The pain and the joy brought a new appreciation for life in itself.
2. Thank God for the family I came from. Having been a mom for 5 months.. I have finally begun learning about the weight of a parent's sacrifice and what it takes to hold a family together. I am who I am because of my family.
3. Thank God for my husband. I cannot begin to count the number of times we've had disagreements and arguments. But in the worst of it all, I realized that if I got to choose my partner all over again, there's no one else I'd choose to go through the worst and best with than Justin.
4. Thank God for our first child. Though we never met, you left a great impact on my life. You taught me what it meant to love a stranger, to hope for the best, and to lay what's precious in the hands of the Maker. We will meet again my baby.
5. Thank God for Alyssa. My Toothless! I thank God for the privilege to be her mom. Every day she lets me know just how precious I am to her. I've never met anyone who has made me feel this appreciated. She just loves me for me.<3
6. Thank God for all the lessons Alyssa has taught me. See following:
7. Learned to laugh a bit more. Silly songs and funky moves... anything to tickle my daughter's funny bones somehow is contagious!
8. Learned to be organized. I now walk around with a mental note of things that need to be done, my priority list, and how to get them done in the shortest time. No joke, I have a huge list for the diaper bag alone!
9. Learned what is more important. So the bottles need to be washed and sterilized, the diaper bag needs to be packed, the clothes washed and hung, the floor swept and mopped... But my daughter's looking at me with those eyes that say "here I am mommy, let's play!" So the bottles, bag, clothes, floor can all wait. I'm getting my priorities straight! It's these little moments that are truly important!
10. Learned that many complicated things can be settled with a smile. My daughter has not mastered grammar or vocab yet, but she manages to take away all my stress, lethargy, demotivation with just one smile.
    
11. Learned to take care of a baby! When I first held her, she felt so small and fragile. Never thought I'd make it through the first month. It's been 5 since. =)
12. Learned that waking up early in the morning isn't all that bad. Since Toothless greets us with that huge toothless grin!
13. Learned that staying at home every chance we get is really nice!
14. Learned that weekends are so much more worthwhile while spending with family.
15. Learned that babies aren't THAT fragile. My Toothless is mega resilient!
16. Am learning to be a protective mommy! My daughter depends on me to keep her safe and look after her wellbeing. Sometimes that requires saying no to things/people.
    
17. Learned that raising a child requires lots of team effort.
18. Learned that there are better things to do than to hold a grudge.
19. Learned that a small getaway (e.g. 1 day trips) can be very relaxing.
20. Learned that just because I can do something doesn't mean I must do it. I am not always the right person for the job.
21. Learned that it is important to fully appreciate the stage and phase of life I am in. Because I can only fully experience the phase I am in at any given moment.
    
22. Learned that my body can seriously be pushed to the limits. pregnancy, child birth, late nights, lack of sleep!! whoa!
23. Started to learn that being a mom, a working woman, and housekeeper is VERY tough. Guess I can't do them all to perfection.
24. Learned that sometimes, the only people that I can gain love, affection, and appreciation from is God and myself. So here's a pat on my back for surviving pregnancy and 5 months and counting of motherhood.
25. Learned that I am indeed a wonderful person. Ask my daughter, I'm sure she'll concur.
26. Learned that seasons of pain make seasons of joy so much sweeter.
    
27. Last but not least, learned that in ALL things, God works for the GOOD of His children.

Wow. That was refreshing. So here's to 27 years!

Of Life after Alyssa

Before we were pregnant with Alyssa, I often would dream of life with a kid. As cliche as it sounds, I had the whole white picket fence, me adorned in an apron cooking up a storm while my little ones anxiously wait at the door for daddy to come home from work.

Needless to say, my reality is not as I dreamt it to be. I have no picket fence, heck, my house has no fence! =D and cooking up a storm is hard to do when my daughter's waking time is about the time dinner is to be prepared.

Suffice to say, life after Alyssa has been quite different from what I envisioned it to be. It was hard at first, lots of struggles. And after some reflection, I finally realised the cause of the stress. Two reasons actually 1. adjustments to everything that's new 2. my own expectations.

Adjustments are a given, afterall we've never been parents before, moreover, every child is different. The mother of all adjustments for me was the whole identity shift from being childless to with child... a mom... secondly was the whole performing-with-severe-lack-of-sleep. Following that was the change in routines, not being able to go out as and when we'd like.

The whole confinement month was not bad for me, but I really missed going out of the house. Taking a slow walk to the maintenance office to pay our bills made me happy. So came the end of confinement, I was overjoyed! Spend the night before packing the diaper bag for the first time!!! Realised how many things I had to pack... and it took me 3 outings to get the formula right. x number of diapers for x amount of time, x changes of clothes etc.

It's really interesting to sit and note down the whole list of changes after Alyssa arrived... I know I have a mental note somewhere, but in the mishmash of all things I now call routine and life, I can't seem to find this mental note! Perhaps I'll add to this list when I actually do find it.

For now, I guess all I really want to say is, life after the arrival of Alyssa is beautiful! =)

Inspired to have a kid? =D

I'm an Exclusively Pumping Mommy

Title says it all... I never knew there was a term for it, but after spending days getting used to the routine, I desperately needed some guidance and referred to the great oracle - Google. Lo and behold, I realised I am not alone!! There's a huge network of other exclusive pumpers out there.

Before I go any further let me first explain what exclusively pumping means. Basically, it's when a mommy feeds breastmilk to her baby via bottle, not breast... in other words, baby's not fed through the tap so to say. Why? Many reasons actually, premies are at the top of the list, followed by nipple and latch problems. Mine's the latter.

My first breastfeeding experience was a nightmare and left me trying so very hard to hold in my tears. I knew beforehand that my nipples would create a problem with latching on, but there was hope that maybe the baby could learn how to latch on, or maybe towards the end of pregnancy my nipples would resemble that or normal ones. But it never happened. Baby was hungry, lactation consultant was there to teach the proper latch on. I held baby in my arms, she was ready to go, mouth opened wide, I put her to breast and she just couldn't latch on... after a few more tries... she burst out into a scream... and my heart just dropped. I could not do the single more natural thing - breastfeed... I could not provide for my hungry baby.

Next few days, I still tried. Until one day I just gave up. Back at home, I had my medela pump, and I got to work trying to make my milk come. Day 4, it came. Pumping was exhilarating!! I saw trickles of whitish fluid emerging and it clicked, I CAN produce milk after all!! The rest is history.

It's been almost a month and half now of exclusive pumping. Here's the drill... I pump almost every 2 hours, feed, then wash and sterilize everything. Day and night. The number of hours of sleep I get? about 4 hours of interrupted sleep. It's a lonely journey... I'm up with the sounds of her hunger whimpers, I head downstairs to retrieved refridgerated milk, put it in the warmer, and feed (which take her 30-40 mins sometimes), then proceed to pumping (which takes another 30-40 mins), then wash and sterilize, and get back to sleep... only to be awaken about 1+hours later. It's certainly God's grace that has brought me through these nights of sleep deprivation... And what's more challenging is that on top of juggling all this... I have to ensure I get enough "rest" so my milk production maintains. I find this rather hillarious... the irony. =/

Found something uplifting today while reading other pumping mommy's blogs for support... Entitled "Cows with names produce more milk" (hilarious!!)

And I think about how we breastfeeding human moms run ourselves ragged. We get so little sleep. If we go back to work then we are especially burning the candle at both ends. Not to mention how hard the exclusively pumping moms are working. It's not easy. But we do it anyway because we know it's important.

If this is you, be nice to yourself. And realizing you are worth being treated well and making sure that you are treated that way just may help you produce more, too.

Source

I go back to work in 2 days. I do not know how I am going to fair juggling work, feeds, pumping, and keeping my health and sanity in check. I can more or less envision how things may turn out, but everyone knows reality may differ greatly. Only way to find out is to dive in. Not like I have any other choice.

I shall heed the advice and be nice to myself. For today, that means not bothering about whether the dishes are done, clothes are hung, floor is swept... for today it means not bothering whether or not I smile or make life easier for some people.. for today.. it means I just want to take a break! I'm a cow with a name for goodness' sake!! And this sleep deprived, highly stressed cow needs a well deserved break and a pat on the back for a month + of work well done.

On a side note, I absolutely dislike it when people keep probing about my breastfeeding attempts. I shall articulate it to the world here... I am exclusively pumping, breastfeeding doesn't work for me and the baby.I am already doing the BEST I can, the BEST I know how... So let me be. please!

The final stage!

The countdown on the baby blog reads 27 days. We're currently at 36 weeks 1 day, that's 6 days from being full term.

How am I feeling?
Anxious, excited, scared... and sometimes numb.

What am I doing?
Well... nesting is starting I think, we've set up the cot and organized her baby stuff. Still in need of a chest of drawers for her, but that will have to wait till later. Other than that, I've been reading up about natural delivery and C sections.

What else do we need?
A name. Lots of prayers for her to turn right side up/down. A chest of drawers. More sleep. Err... I think that's just about it.

I guess... what's been occupying my mind these days and nights are how she's enter this world, and whether we'll be able to cope with and provide for her well enough. Whether or not we'll do a good enough job raising her. Whether or not we'll be able to keep her safe. Whether or not we'll be able to train her in the ways of the Lord and finally release her into her God given ministry... Sigh... Pregnancy and parenthood really brings with it lots of worries. =/

So as I count down the days... I thank God that His presence goes before us and with us... Thank You Lord.

Baby Registry is Officially Open!

We would like to hereby announce the opening of our Baby Registry!!

We already have a few items taken up by wonderful wonderful friends (THANK YOU!)

Feel free to browse our page should you like to bless our little one with a gift =)

Once again, thank you for dropping by!

.:Baby Registry:.

Love,
Justin & Sher

The first strand

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

Meat vs Candy

I shared with my cell group 2 weeks ago, something I've kept to myself for 10 months now. I told my cell... I've been feeling like God just isn't here anymore... Like He's let me down. Lots of arrogance can be read in that last line.. "He's let me down". One can go down the path and argue about how we are mere mortal and how dare I say He's let me down etc... Which is why I've kept it to myself till now.

Often times we're looking to God for some good zapping. You know the kind you get at youth concerts, camps, and altar calls? The ones that sweep you off your feet, leave you breathless, and crying your eyes silly, and leaves rivers of snot gushing down from your nose and totally wipes pride off of any self respecting controlled facade you've been trying to hold up? Yeap, that kinda zapping.

But there comes a time where God says, nope, a zapping's not what you need now my dear. You need REAL FOOD!! Meat, not candy!

So how does meat look like? Since I've been so accustomed to "candy"?

I just realised today... that for me.. meat looked like this:
1. for the past 10 months, I've been through some hardship but I'm still alive and kicking
2. my relationship with my husband has increased to greater heights and deeper depths
3. I have a beautiful baby on her way. God has taken care of her thus far
4. I still have enough.
5. I still have the strength to take on life's challenges, demands, and duties

The problem with meat... in my opinion... is that meat is not like candy... it doesn't give you that rush. There's no high when you eat meat. But slowly and surely, you'll realise you're growing. You don't notice how your body has been nourished, but you are healthy, you have strength to work, you are growing!

So I think that's why God would rather give us meat than candy. Yes, a rush (zap) on and off is real good.. but when we start craving only for candy?? Oh dear... Imagine a diet built solely upon candy? How then will this army of God be able to rise up and fight when needed to? How then will this army be able to win back souls from the gates of hell?

So yeah. He hasn't let me down. I've not had candy for awhile now. But I'm sure getting lots of meat! =D

Baby Blog

Hellooo

I know I've been away from this blog for a long time now! Been occupied with our baby blog . Do pay a visit =D