Good girls like Bad boys

I've heard quite a number of complaints regarding the fairer sex. The saying "men like stability while women like change" has become one staple statement when discussions about the differences between sexes take place; along with the famous Chinese saying "men not bad, women don't love". So I've been mulling over these two statements for a while and have decided that to give my 2 cents worth.

First stop, I agree with both statements and have found that both statements are not mutually exclusive.

To understand this, one must first have at least some sort of understanding about how men and women operate. Now I am in no way any expert, so please do not quote/misquote me.

Men (well, most men) are logic driven. What that simply means is that they use their heads more than their hearts. Take for example, buying a car, a man is more likely to survey things like performance, petrol consumption, the price tag, and then looks. Whereas women, like me, will probably start with looks first then go down the line and end with performance. 6 speed gear box, 5 speed gear box whhhat??? I just chuck it to D and it drives! Again, this is seriously over generalized, there ARE men and women who don't fall into the above scenarios at all.

So when a man, at least my man, makes decisions, he is very likely to weigh out the pros and cons, keep their emotions aside and make the most 'logical' decision. That said, they are sometimes persuaded to do otherwise by their emotional side they like to label "passion". Tee hee!!

Whereas, women are really quite different. I observe many preschooler girls and they almost always like playing "house", "tea party", and "family". All plays include some form of nurturing. Somewhere some role will feature a mimicry of a mother telling the others how to act. There's always something that can be better in the house, some person that could hold the teacup more correctly, someone who needs to change the dolly's dirty diapers etc. I guess what I've really observed is how much girls like to fix things! So as we grow up, we carry with us a need to fix things we like to label "nurturing" or "bringing out the full potential of... insert name here... ". Which is why the "badder" guy we get, the more "nurturing" we can do! And to be able to single handedly 'CHANGE' our man gives us great pleasure. Then we feel oh-so-special and powerful. =/

This is where the issue starts. Men have surveyed their choice of a mate, paid the deposit and signed the documents. Now all there is to it is to sit down and enjoy his "purchase". But this unsuspecting fellow soon realizes that the paying never stops. There's a career he's expected to advance in, a fatter paycheck he's expected to rake in, an ever growing belly he's expected to not have, the trash he's expected to take out, the family outings he's expected to drive everyone to, the mr. fix-it-all, and know-it-all roles that he's supposed to pay. And at most times, when he thinks he's achieved THE goal, he's disappointed to find that all he gets is a pre-programmed congratulatory note that reads "congratulations Mr XXXX you have successfully conquered stage 1002, stage 1003 will commence in 3....2....1..." It is as though there's constantly something about him that needs fixing.

His wife more of less responsible for this. (sorry ladies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say this)

How?

Our little young minds were poisoned by Disneyland and fairy tales. The oh-so-cliche dashing heroic price's love for a maiden he's only met in a dream causes him to risks all and battle the ferocious dragon etc etc... he slays the dragon, saves the maiden, they fall in love, kiss, and "they lived happily ever after". As much as we hate to admit it, inside most girls, cynical or not, is this pining to be like Cinderella, Snow White and all her other fairy tale sisters. So we sit and wait for the romance, the proposal, the lavish wedding, and fuss when we meet reality. When we realise that there is no pumpkin carriage, there is no happily ever after without hard work, and there that young dashing courageous prince that you married, decides he has done enough, kicks back and relaxes over football on TV. All of a sudden you're left with the house to clean, baby to feed, change, wash etc. Then you look at this man and realise "oh gosh, I married a toad!!!" That's where the "nurturing" and "unleashing full potential" comes in. Most of the women I know resort to nagging, and other more violent means.

In short, women try very hard to make their men into something. I write this because I've been doing a bit of reflection these past months and realised that I am in fact, wifezilla. In pursuit of my happily ever after, I bombard my husband with things like "why can't you...." and then try to cover up and sweeten it by saying "but I know you, I know you can become better.. don't you want to be better?" *sigh* *cringe*.

So I went back to the source and asked God why we were made so different? Why are men and women on opposite poles. Well the only answer I got was that so they could learn to love, respect, care for what they are not. then they will learn what it means to subject themselves to someone, and to forsake all to care for that someone. I believe that men and women were made sooooooooo different for many sound reasons. Reasons which we fail to comprehend most times. But what is suffice to say is, that have we as husband and wife / boyfriend and girlfriend learned to respect, accept, care for and help our partners? Help yes help! Just because we're to accept our partners doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to all his/her faults and mark it off as 'that's just the way he is' I believe we were also made (like iron) to hone and sharpen the other, yes ladies you can cheer now. That means that change has to come and will come. But the key is how it is inspired to come.

I've been learning that what works for me is when I really look at all my husband has done and is doing, and to recognize all the effort he's put in. It doesn't matter if I think I could do a better job that him in half the time. The fact is that he has given his best. So recognition is called for. Then sincere praise comes in. Let me tell you my dear sisters, that when you praise you man sincerely, you'll make a WHOLE lot of impact as compared to hours of nagging (I've been down that road).

So yes, if we ever find that we want our partners to change, first look at ourselves to figure if we're pulling as much weight, then figure out an effective game plan. Afterall you and your partner are in it together!

So my dear sisters, have you recognized your husband's efforts today? =)

The first strand

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

6 days and counting...

In another 6 days, we would pass our 2 year mark after the "i do-s" . It's an amazing feeling! The only way we've survived thus far (cheh wah) is really because of God. To God be all the glory!

This anniversary is special. It'll mark the last anniversary we'll have as a couple. Come June next year, we'll have a little one and two will become three. Till then, we'll savor every moment as a duo.

=)

Beautifully Imperfect

Disneyland messed us all up I'd say. Before Disneyland, there was no "Happily Ever After" delusion, there was just the reality of marriage.

I would like to blog about the reality of marriage today. As a little girl, finding a prince to marry, having little children, staying at home and being a content and happy housewife was my goal. Despite of the many arguments between spouses I've witness in TV and real life, "Happily Ever After" was a reality to me.

At age 20 I met a peculiar spike-haired-blur-looking-but-very-attractive thin Chinese boy. At age 22, I started dating him, that same peculiar but now skin-headed-blur-looking-but-very-attractive slightly chubbier Chinese boy. At age 23, I was engaged to him. At age 24, I married him.

Soon after, I realised what my mom and mother-in-law said to be true - the first few years of marriage are immensely hard. In fact, my mother-in-law said "Aiyooo those were the worst worst years!". I smile now as I look back at all the arguments we had. First one was during our honeymoon over a petty petty issue.

Next Saturday, I would be married to this still-peculiar-but-very-very-attractive Chinse man for 1 year and 8 months. In another 4 months, it would be 2 years. In the course of this one year and 8 months, I've discovered more and more of his imperfections, big and small; just as he has discovered more and more of mine. We've fought, slammed doors, yelled, threw things, cried (lots of drama ya? =D ). And at times, these imperfections seem oh so annoying, not to mention irritating, frustrating and the list goes on.

But that is the reality of a marriage. Two distinctly different individuals coming together. Two strong wills becoming one. I had to learn the hard way that you don't become one just by saying some vows and consummating the marriage. Becoming one takes tonnes of hard work. Hard work that sometimes other married couples keep a tight lid on. I used to think, if only I knew how hard this was *insert host of complaints here*. So people don't generally like to talk about difficulties in marriage.

While I am not on a rampage of telling everyone with access to this blog space our deepest, darkest secrets. I will say this: Marriage is hard. Staying married is even harder. Staying in love adn glorifying God in the marriage is the hardest. But, I promise you, just like all those before me have promised me, that if you work at it, and let God be the focus and center of your marriage, it will yield 100 fold 1000 fold blessings, joy, satisfaction, and love that words cannot even begin to describe!

Day by day, we're learning that our oh-so-annoying imperfections are the things that make us, beautifully imperfect! And that these beautiful imperfections are what makes our marriage and us so perfect for each other.

Here's a tribute to my beautifully imperfect peculiar-blur-looking-exceedingly-attractive Chinese man. I love you with all my heart.

P/s. Please watch this video. Very impactful.

Love

Love brings out the best and worst in people. Successful marriages = when the best's outweighs the worst's.

Another one from Crosswalk

I really love cross walk's devotionals, they speak such life and such wisdom from ordinary women like me, answering an extraordinary call or being a child of God, a wife, a mother. Hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me.

How is Your Marriage?

Melissa Taylor

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

Devotion:

A while ago, I wrote a devotion where I revealed portions of my past that continue to affect my marriage today. I followed that up with another one recounting the struggle I've had being intimate with my husband. I received hundreds of letters from women of all ages who could relate to what I had written. Because I also reported that my marriage was now thriving, I received a lot of questions and concerns:

"How did your marriage go from just surviving to thriving?"

"What if your husband won't go to counseling?"

"I don't love my husband anymore; what do I do?"

"My husband doesn't make me feel good; he doesn't even notice me."

"I'm exhausted from trying to be happy."

"All my husband wants is sex; I'm just too tired."

"What if your husband is not a Christian?"

"That's great for you, but what about me?"

I wish I was equipped to answer these questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to Someone who could answer all of our questions for us? We can.

One thing that helped me was prayer. I know that sounds simple. I also know it's not. It can be difficult to pray and be satisfied with God's response. We need to be committed to receiving what God offers, not just asking for what we want.

For years, I spent my time praying for God to change Jeff, my husband. I blamed Jeff for me not feeling good about myself and my life. I thought:

If he would only pay more attention to me ... then I'd be happy.

If he would just be more romantic ... then I'd be fulfilled.

I wish he understood me.

He loves his work more than me.

I wish he would read the Bible more, or pray with me.

I bought the book, Power of a Praying Wife, certain if I began praying diligently for my husband everything would be fixed. I opened the book, ready to change my husband through prayer. Imagine my surprise when the first thing the author suggested was that I pray for myself! My intentions in reading this book was to change Jeff through my prayers, not to change me. That really opened my eyes. Maybe God didn't want to change my husband; maybe He wanted to change me!

This shifted my focus on what God could do in and through me. Instead of trying to figure out how His Word applied to everyone else (especially Jeff), I focused on how it applied to me. What a difference that made!

As I prayed for myself, I also began praying for Jeff. This time I stayed out of God's way and let Him work in both our hearts. There was not quick, but steady improvement. Looking back to when I first made the decision to focus more on my role in our marriage and less on Jeff's, and compare it to today, it is like night and day.

I am a wife, but even before that I am a child of God. I pray my marriage lasts forever, but I have no guarantee of that. I do have the guarantee that my relationship with Jesus will. That's the relationship I must work on first. Amazingly, when that one is right, the rest falls into place for me. It doesn't mean that all is well, but it means I am well.

The next time you find yourself yearning for more from your marriage and husband, think about this. Instead of asking, "How is my marriage doing?" or "How is my relationship with my husband?" Ask "How am I doing?" or "How is my relationship with Jesus?"

Dear Lord, help me to turn over all of the desires in my heart to You. Work on my relationships, beginning with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

I really love Proverbs 31 Ministry's daily devotions - Encouragement for today. Got another beautifully written one today and thought I should share this.

.Personal thoughts at the bottom.

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

by Lysa TerKeurst

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew: 7:24-27 (NIV)

Devotion:

Do you know what amazes me about those verses above? Both the person doing right and the person doing wrong experienced hard times. In both cases the rains came, the streams rose, and the wind blew and beat against the house.

Just because we're Christians living out God's principles for life, does not mean we won't face difficult circumstances. The difference being a Christian makes is how the difficulties affect us. If we are hearing and heeding God through our prayer time and reading His Word, then we will be able to stand strong in the storms of life. Our faith will not be shaken and our identity will not be rattled.

I once heard my pastor lament to my husband that sometimes he only feels as good as his last sermon. I can so closely identify with his comment because as a friend, wife, and mother, sometimes I only feel as good as my last interaction with someone close to me. A friend tells me I hurt her feelings and suddenly I feel like a bad friend. I forget to take the cookies I signed up to bring to the church nursery and suddenly I feel unreliable and disorganized. My husband asks me where his passport is, and when I can't find the file, suddenly I feel like a wife that can't be trusted.

The passport thing is still very fresh on my mind because it just happened recently. My normal reaction would have been to get frustrated, short tempered, and beat myself up while tearing the house apart looking for the missing passports.

But God's Spirit spoke to my heart and said, "Let me invade your natural flesh reaction. Call your husband and pray about the passports instead of getting frustrated."

So, Art and I prayed. I went from defining myself as a failure of a wife to being a praying woman who can face a hardship in a godly way. The frustration was diffused and we determined to look at this from God's perspective. If we find the passports, we'll praise God! If we don't find them, we'll see this as God's protection not to go on a planned trip later this month and we'll still praise God.

When hard times come and beat against our stability, we must be determined to hear God's words and put them into practice. Then nothing can topple our peace, security, or true identity.

Dear Lord, Thank You that my identity does not have to be determined by the circumstances of my life. Help me to hear Your Words, put them into practice and stand firm on Your truth. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

© 2009 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries

****************************************

There's been tonnes of times where I can totally identify with the phrase "I only feel as good as the last interaction". My darling hubs struggles to understand how I can be so inconsistent a lot of times. One morning, I'm dancing tip toed across the hall, but in the afternoon, I'm as grouchy as Oscar the Grouch on a mean grouchy day. The change is 180 degrees almost instantly! And I really don't like that. Some days, there's extra strength and I try hard to change my moods for the better. But other days, fatigue (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) gets me stuck in the rut for a long long time. Then poor hubs is at the receiving end of this. The same thing results each time - I feel horrible, like a monster of a person, weak and defeated.

Today's devotion reminded me that it will always be by HIS strength that I will be able to rise above mood swings and having my emotions and worth defined by my last interaction.

p.s. Thank God for a loving and very very patient husband =D

Role of A Christian Husband and Wife According To The Bible

Different But Equal

http://www.squidoo.com/happy-christian-family

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. It's no mistake. We are made perfect. We perfectly compliment each other, for one is not without the other.

We are different. Only when we are different, can we COMPLIMENT each other. Different, not better or worse, just different.

But the sad truth is, we as man distorted what God has planned for us and sought to govern ourselves. Women want to be men and men want to be women. The wife wants the husband's role and the husband wants the wife's role.

There's an epidemic going on here. But we are surpressed. This is politically incorrect. Shouldn't women can do anything men can do? Isn't there equality? Shouldn't we choose our own roles?

The Beliefs Of Our World

There are really two domains in this world. The home and the marketplace. In our world, the marketplace obviously dominates. We spend twelve, fourteen hours working in the office. So when a wife was asked to build and take care of the home, it is often seen as a diminishing role.

Why can't I go out to work? Why can't I go to the marketplace to compete? Women can do anything men can do.

The role of building and taking care of the home is definitely NOT a diminishing role. It is a full time job in and by itself. In many ways, it is just as complex as the marketplace. There's your family's hygiene, nutrition, budgeting, finances, decorating your home and theology, etc.

The home, in the bible, is a place very much respected. Jesus said heaven is home to God and those who believe in him. The temple, in the old testament, is God's home. God lives in our body. The home is a place of honor.

When the woman forsake the home for the marketplace, she is really putting her family in danger. Having it all is a myth. God made us with a purpose and assigned us our roles.

When a woman takes care of her home, she is in minister. Serving God and loving the neighbor.

The Role Of The Woman

1 Titus 2:3-5 said "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

The woman is to be home oriented. As I have said, this is not a minor role. This is THE major role. Paul said the woman to build home and the man provide for the home through the participation of the marketplace.

In today's society though, the home is viewed very lowly. It is viewed as a place to sleep and eat so you can go back to the marketplace. Caring for a home is hard work, just as hard as going to the office, and satisfying, just as satisfying as being promoted.

A woman is by nature caring. Look at jobs that require high amount care, like nurses and counselors, isn't the majority women? Women just care more than man. They are more sensitive and more capable of love.

This is because women are made to be men's helpers. Genesis 2:20-22 said, "So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man." Helpers is again not a diminishing role. The Holy Spirit is described in the bible as our helper.

"Modern" women is always thinking, why should I be helper? I want to be the leader or equal. I want to be independent. This is a distorted view. Helper and leader is equal but different. The leader needs the helper and so does the helper need the leader. Women think this way today because we were taught pride is the highest virtue. Your self-esteem is the most important thing in the world. But the bible preaches humility is the highest virtue and love is the most important thing in the world.

A man NEED his wife to be dependent on him. It is very important for a man to feel important. This has nothing to do with self-esteem. This is him. Just like a woman need his husband to love her. That is her. We are all made to be dependent on each other and as a community.

The Man's Role

Ephesians 5:22-24 said, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"

But also, Ephesians 5:25-28 said, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave him himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkles or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

Man's role is undoubtedly the leader of the house. But we are not taught this, because it is politically incorrect. We were instead taught a distorted sense of equality. Have you heard of the 50/50 rule where the husband will do the chores for a day and the wife on another? Has man ever cared enough to clean? Even when he does clean, how clean is it? Has a man cared enough to take out the rubbish? No! Because men are not made like that.

Man is the spiritual leader of the house. In the old testament, when a woman commits adultery or sexual immorality, she is brought to her father's steps and stoned. Why the father's steps? Because she is his responsibility.

The man is also to go out to the marketplace and provide his family for "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

Continuing, 1 Timothy 5:14 said, "So I counsel younger windows to marry to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander."

Man is the disciplinarian of the house. Ephesians 6:4 wrote, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Lucky

I don't use the word lucky... always felt it was more appropriate to say blessed. But.... since the ball, I've been enchanted by this song.... Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat. Did it exist last december? Cause if it did, and I knew about it, I would've done a duet with Justin. sigh... too bad too bad.

I spy a.... Gorgeous Couple! Muahahahahahaha!!!

Gosh!! I love this title!!! XD

Here are some pictures from the anniversary getaway.

* * *My favorite picture* * *

Update: I've highlighted my hair.
The hubs said: "Very nice!" and other sweet things that I shall not reveal.
Dad said: "Wah, nicest hairstyle since. Makes you look younger" Thanks dad. =D
Mom said: "Hm, not bad"

couldn't get nice pics of the hair tho... =/ But... Imma Lovin' it!!! Muahahahahhaa!!

One Year!

To celebrate one beautiful year together, we spent 2 days in Awana Genting... short I know, but we still had to work so... =) I've not felt so refreshed and stress-free for a long while (ever since we started Masters that is). So it was 2 days of no assignments, no datelines, no clients, no work, nothing but quality time with each other. Taking leisure walks with each other, reflecting on the year that was and planning for the year ahead. Guess I am more of an introvert than an extravert after all =D.

And for dinner, we ate at an amazing Italian restaurant, pricey, but worth every sen! The most amazing thing during dinner was the wine! I don't know much about wine, but I knew a sweet white would go well with my food, so I tembak-ed lah. And turns out the wine we got - Muscat, was 98% similar to our engagement wine!!! Nostalgia!! See, the wine we had for engagement was a present from Justin when we started courtship. In addition to the promise ring, he bought a bottle of Langmeil winter harvest Semillon , which I thoroughly loved. During the proposal, he sneakily had the waiter bring out that bottle, and so I knew that he was proposing! So 2 years later, on our first anniversary, the muscat was just so nostalgic! Justin bought us tickets to the Sydney next year (I AM VERY EXCITED!!!!!!!!), I am hoping that we'll be able to find that wine again! According to their website, it's sold out... =(

Ok, enough of booze. I think in a nut shell, this was how we celebrated our first year - slow, relaxed, easy, and stress-free! Just what both of us needed badly! In fact, we enjoyed ourselves so much that we're planning more trips for next year, starting with the first quarter! Gosh, I love my husband!!!

8th December, here we come!

Two more days until we officially turn ONE!! It has been a tremendous journey from 8th December 2007, and all I can say is that it has been a heck of a ride and I am exceedingly blessed to have Justin. Shall be reflecting on the past year soon. It's been a while since we had the time and discipline to reflect.

I shall leave this post with an exclamation of excitement as I draw near to this incredible milestone!

WOO HOOO!!!