Good girls like Bad boys

I've heard quite a number of complaints regarding the fairer sex. The saying "men like stability while women like change" has become one staple statement when discussions about the differences between sexes take place; along with the famous Chinese saying "men not bad, women don't love". So I've been mulling over these two statements for a while and have decided that to give my 2 cents worth.

First stop, I agree with both statements and have found that both statements are not mutually exclusive.

To understand this, one must first have at least some sort of understanding about how men and women operate. Now I am in no way any expert, so please do not quote/misquote me.

Men (well, most men) are logic driven. What that simply means is that they use their heads more than their hearts. Take for example, buying a car, a man is more likely to survey things like performance, petrol consumption, the price tag, and then looks. Whereas women, like me, will probably start with looks first then go down the line and end with performance. 6 speed gear box, 5 speed gear box whhhat??? I just chuck it to D and it drives! Again, this is seriously over generalized, there ARE men and women who don't fall into the above scenarios at all.

So when a man, at least my man, makes decisions, he is very likely to weigh out the pros and cons, keep their emotions aside and make the most 'logical' decision. That said, they are sometimes persuaded to do otherwise by their emotional side they like to label "passion". Tee hee!!

Whereas, women are really quite different. I observe many preschooler girls and they almost always like playing "house", "tea party", and "family". All plays include some form of nurturing. Somewhere some role will feature a mimicry of a mother telling the others how to act. There's always something that can be better in the house, some person that could hold the teacup more correctly, someone who needs to change the dolly's dirty diapers etc. I guess what I've really observed is how much girls like to fix things! So as we grow up, we carry with us a need to fix things we like to label "nurturing" or "bringing out the full potential of... insert name here... ". Which is why the "badder" guy we get, the more "nurturing" we can do! And to be able to single handedly 'CHANGE' our man gives us great pleasure. Then we feel oh-so-special and powerful. =/

This is where the issue starts. Men have surveyed their choice of a mate, paid the deposit and signed the documents. Now all there is to it is to sit down and enjoy his "purchase". But this unsuspecting fellow soon realizes that the paying never stops. There's a career he's expected to advance in, a fatter paycheck he's expected to rake in, an ever growing belly he's expected to not have, the trash he's expected to take out, the family outings he's expected to drive everyone to, the mr. fix-it-all, and know-it-all roles that he's supposed to pay. And at most times, when he thinks he's achieved THE goal, he's disappointed to find that all he gets is a pre-programmed congratulatory note that reads "congratulations Mr XXXX you have successfully conquered stage 1002, stage 1003 will commence in 3....2....1..." It is as though there's constantly something about him that needs fixing.

His wife more of less responsible for this. (sorry ladies, couldn't think of a nicer way to say this)

How?

Our little young minds were poisoned by Disneyland and fairy tales. The oh-so-cliche dashing heroic price's love for a maiden he's only met in a dream causes him to risks all and battle the ferocious dragon etc etc... he slays the dragon, saves the maiden, they fall in love, kiss, and "they lived happily ever after". As much as we hate to admit it, inside most girls, cynical or not, is this pining to be like Cinderella, Snow White and all her other fairy tale sisters. So we sit and wait for the romance, the proposal, the lavish wedding, and fuss when we meet reality. When we realise that there is no pumpkin carriage, there is no happily ever after without hard work, and there that young dashing courageous prince that you married, decides he has done enough, kicks back and relaxes over football on TV. All of a sudden you're left with the house to clean, baby to feed, change, wash etc. Then you look at this man and realise "oh gosh, I married a toad!!!" That's where the "nurturing" and "unleashing full potential" comes in. Most of the women I know resort to nagging, and other more violent means.

In short, women try very hard to make their men into something. I write this because I've been doing a bit of reflection these past months and realised that I am in fact, wifezilla. In pursuit of my happily ever after, I bombard my husband with things like "why can't you...." and then try to cover up and sweeten it by saying "but I know you, I know you can become better.. don't you want to be better?" *sigh* *cringe*.

So I went back to the source and asked God why we were made so different? Why are men and women on opposite poles. Well the only answer I got was that so they could learn to love, respect, care for what they are not. then they will learn what it means to subject themselves to someone, and to forsake all to care for that someone. I believe that men and women were made sooooooooo different for many sound reasons. Reasons which we fail to comprehend most times. But what is suffice to say is, that have we as husband and wife / boyfriend and girlfriend learned to respect, accept, care for and help our partners? Help yes help! Just because we're to accept our partners doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to all his/her faults and mark it off as 'that's just the way he is' I believe we were also made (like iron) to hone and sharpen the other, yes ladies you can cheer now. That means that change has to come and will come. But the key is how it is inspired to come.

I've been learning that what works for me is when I really look at all my husband has done and is doing, and to recognize all the effort he's put in. It doesn't matter if I think I could do a better job that him in half the time. The fact is that he has given his best. So recognition is called for. Then sincere praise comes in. Let me tell you my dear sisters, that when you praise you man sincerely, you'll make a WHOLE lot of impact as compared to hours of nagging (I've been down that road).

So yes, if we ever find that we want our partners to change, first look at ourselves to figure if we're pulling as much weight, then figure out an effective game plan. Afterall you and your partner are in it together!

So my dear sisters, have you recognized your husband's efforts today? =)

The first strand

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

Love

Love brings out the best and worst in people. Successful marriages = when the best's outweighs the worst's.

A Valentine's prayer

As we soul-search and brain-wreck to find the best things to write on V-day cards, to find the best place to go or the best gift to give, take time to reflect on the author and founder of love. Ever loving, ever patient, it was He who first loved us. And because of Him, we can now truly love. Here's a prayer take off from Crosswalk's "Encouragement for Today".

Dear Lord, Thank You for first loving me, and for showing me what love truly is. I'm so grateful You invited me to be Yours. Like a bouquet of exquisite roses in a simple earthen vase, I treasure Your presence in this "jar of clay." May others see You displayed in me this Valentine's, in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Happy Valentine's! As my student so wisely put it, V-day isn't just for lovers, it's a great time to remember and cherish those whom you love and who love you - family, friends alike!

Half Empty or Half Full?

Last October, we decided to start planning for our trip to Australia (Sydney) in 2009. That time, the feud between AirAsia and MAS had just started getting interesting. The best possible deal then was MAS's super saver return ticket to Melbourne at RM1,800 (including taxes etc.). Compared to Air Asia's close to RM2,000 to Melbourne. Direct flights to Sydney were about RM4k+. So that was it, we decided to buy return tickets KL-MLB via MAS and trasit to SYD via Virgin Blue.

Yesterday, MAS in its competition frenzy, introduced super saver rates to other places including Sydney!! Return tickets KL-SYD = RM1,600. At that point, I felt like my whole universe crumbled... I coul've easily saved RM 1,100 per person... Sigh... Imagine how far that amount could've stretched in Aussie??

Called Justin, and he reminded me about a few truths (nice counseling skills dar XD) and he was supportive through it all, despite actually having to spend a whooping RM2,200 extra, he reassured me over and over that all was still good! But the most insightful thing was what Jenn Ming said to me "Sher, you're still going to Australia! Should thank God weh" That got me thinking, Half Empty or Half Full? Funny isn't it? How we easily zoom in on the half empty part, and take trips down "if-only" road, take "what-if" stops, and wallow in "I should've" pools.

I may have, on hind sight, ended up causing the darling hubby to fork out more money, but Heck, I'm still going to Aussie!!! God is still good, God still provides more than we hope for or dream! The more than I hope for part in this was a deeper understanding of just how patient, forgiving, and supporting my husband is. =D Ooo one more thing, because we're flying to MLB first, we're actually spending 2 nights there! Muahahahaha! I may be lowering cognitive dissonance, but aren't paradigm shifts partly made of that? =D

Sooooooo the glass is HALF FULL BABY!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

P.S. I Love You...

I was told it was a must watch. So watch I did. And I have never cried through a movie before... Seriously, from beginning to end, piece upon piece of tissue... Times like these, I thank God for grace that allows Justin and I still to be together.

So hun, I Love You.

p.s. If you fancy movies about romance (not the chick flick kind, but the deep and real-meaning-of-love kind) watch P.S. I Love You. =)

Role of A Christian Husband and Wife According To The Bible

Different But Equal

http://www.squidoo.com/happy-christian-family

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. It's no mistake. We are made perfect. We perfectly compliment each other, for one is not without the other.

We are different. Only when we are different, can we COMPLIMENT each other. Different, not better or worse, just different.

But the sad truth is, we as man distorted what God has planned for us and sought to govern ourselves. Women want to be men and men want to be women. The wife wants the husband's role and the husband wants the wife's role.

There's an epidemic going on here. But we are surpressed. This is politically incorrect. Shouldn't women can do anything men can do? Isn't there equality? Shouldn't we choose our own roles?

The Beliefs Of Our World

There are really two domains in this world. The home and the marketplace. In our world, the marketplace obviously dominates. We spend twelve, fourteen hours working in the office. So when a wife was asked to build and take care of the home, it is often seen as a diminishing role.

Why can't I go out to work? Why can't I go to the marketplace to compete? Women can do anything men can do.

The role of building and taking care of the home is definitely NOT a diminishing role. It is a full time job in and by itself. In many ways, it is just as complex as the marketplace. There's your family's hygiene, nutrition, budgeting, finances, decorating your home and theology, etc.

The home, in the bible, is a place very much respected. Jesus said heaven is home to God and those who believe in him. The temple, in the old testament, is God's home. God lives in our body. The home is a place of honor.

When the woman forsake the home for the marketplace, she is really putting her family in danger. Having it all is a myth. God made us with a purpose and assigned us our roles.

When a woman takes care of her home, she is in minister. Serving God and loving the neighbor.

The Role Of The Woman

1 Titus 2:3-5 said "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."

The woman is to be home oriented. As I have said, this is not a minor role. This is THE major role. Paul said the woman to build home and the man provide for the home through the participation of the marketplace.

In today's society though, the home is viewed very lowly. It is viewed as a place to sleep and eat so you can go back to the marketplace. Caring for a home is hard work, just as hard as going to the office, and satisfying, just as satisfying as being promoted.

A woman is by nature caring. Look at jobs that require high amount care, like nurses and counselors, isn't the majority women? Women just care more than man. They are more sensitive and more capable of love.

This is because women are made to be men's helpers. Genesis 2:20-22 said, "So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man." Helpers is again not a diminishing role. The Holy Spirit is described in the bible as our helper.

"Modern" women is always thinking, why should I be helper? I want to be the leader or equal. I want to be independent. This is a distorted view. Helper and leader is equal but different. The leader needs the helper and so does the helper need the leader. Women think this way today because we were taught pride is the highest virtue. Your self-esteem is the most important thing in the world. But the bible preaches humility is the highest virtue and love is the most important thing in the world.

A man NEED his wife to be dependent on him. It is very important for a man to feel important. This has nothing to do with self-esteem. This is him. Just like a woman need his husband to love her. That is her. We are all made to be dependent on each other and as a community.

The Man's Role

Ephesians 5:22-24 said, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"

But also, Ephesians 5:25-28 said, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave him himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkles or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

Man's role is undoubtedly the leader of the house. But we are not taught this, because it is politically incorrect. We were instead taught a distorted sense of equality. Have you heard of the 50/50 rule where the husband will do the chores for a day and the wife on another? Has man ever cared enough to clean? Even when he does clean, how clean is it? Has a man cared enough to take out the rubbish? No! Because men are not made like that.

Man is the spiritual leader of the house. In the old testament, when a woman commits adultery or sexual immorality, she is brought to her father's steps and stoned. Why the father's steps? Because she is his responsibility.

The man is also to go out to the marketplace and provide his family for "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

Continuing, 1 Timothy 5:14 said, "So I counsel younger windows to marry to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander."

Man is the disciplinarian of the house. Ephesians 6:4 wrote, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Love and Pain

Recalled something from a Grief therapy work shop. Somehow stuck to me the whole of today.

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them"

-Lev "Leo" N. Tolstoy "Childhood, boyhood, youth." New York: Thomas Y. Crowell Co. (p.109)

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

-From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

Looks like they come hand in hand. Can't have one without the other. So feel love is to feel pain, to embrace love is to embrace pain. To enjoy a love ever after is to endure enduring pain. Morbid or romantic? Idealistic or realistic? Go figure.