The first strand

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

Engraved on our rings

This 8th December will mark 2 years since we've been together.

I'm a sucker for sentiments. As mentioned previously, I spent lots of time thinking of the theme for our wedding/marriage. So the rings were no exception. After cracking my head thinking of what should be engraved onto the wedding rings, I gave up and asked Justin to do the thinking. He came up with a phrase we'd used alot during out courtship: More than yesterday, less than tomorrow. It was an immediate thumbs up from me. Till now, that phrase still sends shivers down my spine, and awakens the butterflies in my stomach. Yup, 4 years down the line and it still works. =)

But we've not used this phrase for a long long while now. In fact we only use it on Birthday and Anniversary cards. Such is the reality of marriage.

Courtship was fun. It was ever-so-exciting! Being constantly on cloud 9, wanting arguments to go away as quickly as possible so we could be in each other's loving arms again... Constantly on the look out for new ways to surprise each other, to tell each other how much they are loved... and being ever so diligent to learn about the other. That was courtship for me.

Then came the engagement. Ooohhh what merriment! Big shiny rock to go with it too! =) But somewhere in between saying "Yes, I'll marry you!" and "I do", new arguments broke out. Suddenly how to manage the wedding budget was a source of stress, arguments, and tears. Suddenly how many kids we'd want and when we'd start getting them caused friction. Suddenly the sounds of "How come you don't care about (fill in the blanks)" and "Am I making the right decision to marry him/her" surface. Suddenly cloud 9 didn't seem so appealing anymore.

Then comes "I do". I kid you not when I say the first few years of marriage are tough, painful, and severely testing. It takes every ounce of you to combat house loans, car loans, new job scopes, new responsibilities, being on your own, discovering the beauty and ugliness of one another... the list goes on. I sat naively when ladies who are seasoned married women warned me of the impending "pain". I sat there and I remember thinking, not us la. We'll do just fine!

=) I now laugh at my ignorance.

Being in ANY relationship is tough for that matter. Marriage is just one of the worse I think. But to my dear friends who are unmarried or considering the prospect of marriage. Let me tell you, one cannot know how sweet the sweetest of wines are until one has tasted how bitter it can get. Don't shun the pain, the arguments, and the ugliness of marriage. That's just the reality of any relationship. Because if you try hard enough, hold on to God enough, you'll soon emerge from the bitter ugliness of marriage and taste the sweet beauty of it. A beauty that surpasses every other beauty.

Will you fill me?

Fill in the blanks.

If only I had ___________ I'd be so much happier/content/fulfilled!

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This little question can probably reveal a few basic insights into your life.
1. Whether or not you are generally content with your life.
2. Which one of your basic needs is not met.
3. What you are yearning/pining for.
4. Why you are currently unhappy/discontent with your life.

It is said that the general population is discontent with life and is to a certain extent unhappy with how life currently is. This discontent may work in many miraculous ways which we label as 'motivation'. I shall not dwell on that today. But I would like to pose another question...

I feel happy when I __________.

This question then gives us insight into where you'd normally get your fill.

We are hedonistic. We pursue the greatest amounts of pleasure while trying to avoid the slightest amount of pain. Almost everything we do is just that. So when we are discontent and unhappy with our life, we naturally seek out areas where we'd get our fill, things, people, places that would give us most pleasure and take away the pain. For some, it is in studying, for some, working, for others relationships, for others a bottle of whiskey, and the list goes on.

These 2 questions caught me today. Made me look long and hard on what I was missing and what I was filling up my life with. Would you take time out to ponder?

Mourning into Dancing

Mourning last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!!!

I just completed my thesis defense. The only word I can use to describe it is GRACE... no two words, ABUNDANT GRACE... Justin prayed for me this morning and he asked God to go before me like He always has... I admit I did not feel the least bit victorious... Not at all until the defense was done. God works in marvelous ways... He is ever present even when His presence is not known or acknowledged by us...

I want to thank everyone for praying for me. Before walking into the defense hall, I remembered the prayers and the faces of those who were so concerned. Thank you my darling husband, thank you my ever-so-sweet students, thank you mom, lynn, and dad, thank you Adelene for calling to check on me and to pray!!

Lastly, God, You are amazing... Even when I fail to acknowledge and run to You, You are still there, still patient, still loving, still true... Thank You... Thank You for the break, thank You for victory. =) Now, bring on the uprooting!

P.s. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for thesis and internship results... Will post here when I find out whether I'll be once again be putting on a graduation gown =D Anyone wanna come for our graduation? Hehehehehe

Season of Uprooting

I finally found the right phrase to describe this season in my life... A season of uprooting... I had previously thought that I understood what uprooting felt like... But nothing could prepare me for this season...

My former student pointed out a week ago... that 2009 was a tough year for me, and he followed up by asking how I was doing. It stunned me. Since October 2008... I hadn't allowed myself to feel and to reflect. Not deep enough that is.

October 2008 my precious dog Summer got sick. Lots of prayers and wresting with faith and doubt later, she passed away on 24th November 2008. She left a void in the hearts of my family members. We never talked much about it... cause that's just how my family works. Mourning can only last for a short time, then it's moving on to the next thing that needs to be done.

December 2008 was tough because this would be the first Christmas we celebrated without Mer... Still none of us really talked about it and I just carried on with life, shedding a tear or two when I would still imagine her in sleeping in her pail or waiting at the door when we would come home, regardless of how many times we went in and out those doors.

January 2009 was a fresh start... mentally I had psyched myself for a fresh new page. But counseling was taking a toll on me... seeing clients, doing reports, and seeing that graduation was no where in sight yet... still life was bearable.

March 2009, I got a scare when I started having the hunch that I was pregnant.. but it was too soon to check, so I waited.. for 3 weeks (agonizing actually) before the ClearBlue test stick showed a plus sign...

1 April 2009, it's confirmed, we were pregnant! But it was April fools so it was hard convincing people that it was real... I told God thank You. Because I felt that this was my break... the family's break!! Good days ahead man!!

May 2009, I looked forward to the doctor visits where I would get to stare at the ultrasound, proud and triumphant! But this didn't last very long... 20th May, on our 11th week visit, baby had no more heart beat. Still the thought and realization never really sank in... until 22nd May when we went for the D&C. Before the D&C I started spotting... and then it hit me... wow, my body is finally ready to let my baby go... and then it hit me hard... I've really lost my baby... my hopes, my dreams.. my desires... gone.

August 2009, was thesis due date month. After a long break I kicked up my heels and started polishing up my thesis. I finished it a good 4 days before due date. Was very proud of myself and again I thought Ok God, this is my break!! Woo hooo Life is going to get better now... 20th August, I got a phone call from my thesis supervisor saying that I had submitted an incomplete thesis.. I cannot begin to explain what I felt, a while later it hit me, I think I had submitted the wrong copy... After checking through, it was true... I made an extremely stupid, idiotic, and primitive mistake. All that went through my mind was that I was going to fail, I wish I could just die (literally) and I never make mistakes like that!

Tomorrow I face the panel who will mark my thesis. I do not know anymore what to expect. Prior to this, I could guess and plan for my future. Simple plans, nothing mega huge... Nothing hard, simple stuff.

Today, I no longer know what lies ahead, and it scares me very much.

We went for a checkup with the gynae on Monday, and she gave us the green light to try conceiving again. I thought I would be thrilled, but what greeted me was fear.

One of my favorite messages I used to tell my students was - dream big!! Now, I can't help but feel I dare not. I dare not look to the future and dream, hope, and plan.

Season of uprooting... I don't know how long more this is going to last... or how much more of this I can take. But somewhere deep down inside... I remember Ezekiel... The Lord will make the tall tree go short and the short tree grow tall.... He will make the green tree dry up and the dried tree flourish... then all the trees of the field will know that He alone is Lord. And I also remember that His grace is still exceeding, abundant, above and beyond everything I dare dream...

Oh Lord... May You come and come quickly... Give me hope and help me dream again... My soul thirsts for You...

There goes another one...

About 8 months ago I wrote a post... fly birdie fly... Tonight I shall write another one...

I thought it would get easier... the whole 'watching them grow up and leave the nest' experience. But tonight proved me wrong. Phoebe spread her wings and flew off to US tonight. At a tender age of 15, she's off to battle the world of American high schools, super cold weather and living in a basement.

There's something special about Phoebe... something that made it so so so hard to restraint myself from chaining her to me and saying "No, you are not leaving!!!". *sigh* The hardest part of doing the work I do is the relationship part. Everyone of them make at least one difference in my life. Tonight, I had to hold back and choke on my tears because yet another precious one has left the nest. Deep down I want so much for them to just stay where they are... But they have a whole life waiting for them! So many journeys God would like to take with them! So many more places to go and lives to impact! I know my students (each and every one of them) are life-changers!

Oh Lord, grant me the ability to stay above my emotions... Sigh... I don't know why I'm feeling these much emotions... I think I'm PMS-ing...

Safe flight Phoebe.

Beautifully Imperfect

Disneyland messed us all up I'd say. Before Disneyland, there was no "Happily Ever After" delusion, there was just the reality of marriage.

I would like to blog about the reality of marriage today. As a little girl, finding a prince to marry, having little children, staying at home and being a content and happy housewife was my goal. Despite of the many arguments between spouses I've witness in TV and real life, "Happily Ever After" was a reality to me.

At age 20 I met a peculiar spike-haired-blur-looking-but-very-attractive thin Chinese boy. At age 22, I started dating him, that same peculiar but now skin-headed-blur-looking-but-very-attractive slightly chubbier Chinese boy. At age 23, I was engaged to him. At age 24, I married him.

Soon after, I realised what my mom and mother-in-law said to be true - the first few years of marriage are immensely hard. In fact, my mother-in-law said "Aiyooo those were the worst worst years!". I smile now as I look back at all the arguments we had. First one was during our honeymoon over a petty petty issue.

Next Saturday, I would be married to this still-peculiar-but-very-very-attractive Chinse man for 1 year and 8 months. In another 4 months, it would be 2 years. In the course of this one year and 8 months, I've discovered more and more of his imperfections, big and small; just as he has discovered more and more of mine. We've fought, slammed doors, yelled, threw things, cried (lots of drama ya? =D ). And at times, these imperfections seem oh so annoying, not to mention irritating, frustrating and the list goes on.

But that is the reality of a marriage. Two distinctly different individuals coming together. Two strong wills becoming one. I had to learn the hard way that you don't become one just by saying some vows and consummating the marriage. Becoming one takes tonnes of hard work. Hard work that sometimes other married couples keep a tight lid on. I used to think, if only I knew how hard this was *insert host of complaints here*. So people don't generally like to talk about difficulties in marriage.

While I am not on a rampage of telling everyone with access to this blog space our deepest, darkest secrets. I will say this: Marriage is hard. Staying married is even harder. Staying in love adn glorifying God in the marriage is the hardest. But, I promise you, just like all those before me have promised me, that if you work at it, and let God be the focus and center of your marriage, it will yield 100 fold 1000 fold blessings, joy, satisfaction, and love that words cannot even begin to describe!

Day by day, we're learning that our oh-so-annoying imperfections are the things that make us, beautifully imperfect! And that these beautiful imperfections are what makes our marriage and us so perfect for each other.

Here's a tribute to my beautifully imperfect peculiar-blur-looking-exceedingly-attractive Chinese man. I love you with all my heart.

P/s. Please watch this video. Very impactful.

The Fear of Brokenness

Here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness - Kari Jobe "Beautiful"

Darlene Zschech once said that she constantly asks that her heart be broken everyday, so she'd never lose her tenderness and pliability.

To me the word broken meant a big no-no. I do not like nor wish to ever be broken. Being broken is synonymous to pain and suffering - something I spend most of my days trying to avoid. But living in a broken and fallen world means brokenness is inevitable. So futile were my efforts to avoid all pain.

Realised something interesting the other day when I reflected upon suffering and surviving. There's something different about being held in the hands of God and brokenness. Kari Jobe expressed it really well - here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness. (Thank you Bex for recommending this song). It is in the times where I am away from the Protector that I begin to fear brokenness. Conversely, it is in the times when I stay put in His presence, where brokenness becomes sustainable and even desirable. Afterall, He is love, and how broken can you get when you're surrounded, filled, and held in love? Simple enough yet so so hard to constantly remember this.

How often do I allow situations to shape my faith, rather than letting my faith shape situations. Justin reminded me this today: "we don't believe in God because circumstances are favorable to us, we believe in God because of who He is." Amen.

You are For Me

First heard this song in Hillsong Conference '09. The lyrics of this song swept me off my feet. It felt so personal, so gentle.... I really think this is a beautiful song we girls should learn to sing more. In our quest for self-acceptance and self-love, we often forget that "it is He who first loved us" makes all the difference. Because of who He is and His love for us, we can then love ourselves. When the Creator and King of kings is for us, how can we not find ourselves beautiful, significant, precious, and beloved? This song is for every girl who has gone down the path of self-doubt. Remember who He is and that He has chosen you to be His beloved.

You are for me - Kari Jobe



So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

Your Name...

Ever since the start of Masters, I've gradually witness my strength, vigor, and life itself go down the drain. The strain of juggling a full time job, masters, church ministries, wedding prep, marriage, and other life changes all at once took a toll on me, but still I was constantly on the move, looking to the next thing to do and to do it to the best of my abilities.

Then the pregnancy happened, and it was a bout of new hope. Something fresh in my life, like a nice reward after a long season of hardwork and stress. Days after that were tough, and finally the miscarriage happened. For once in my life, I stopped. It was as though my life stopped, even though in reality I knew the world was still spinning on its axis, time was still flying, life was still changing. But for me, life stopped. I stopped.

Soon after, I looked around and people were watching to see how I was coping, some looked with criticisms, some looked with concern, some looked with confusion. And I got up and did what I knew to do - the next thing and do it well.

Somehow I still felt... and still am feeling... empty. I thought that it was the spot baby once occupied. But the sting felt really bad. I've never felt so empty, never felt so dissatisfied, never felt this... weak. I still break down and cry at the littlest things, and juggling work, masters, marriage, and ministry has become tonnes harder than it used to be.

My students have noticed that I've been moodier, my husband has noticed that I pick fights more, and the intensity of our arguments have increased.

Last week I broke down in a pool of tears, at first it was the memory of the ultrasound that brought the tears, then it went deeper... I just felt so alone and so lost. No amount of tears could ease the pain, nothing would make it go away.

I held on to God all this time. I prayed, I cried out to Him, in my desperation I did all I knew how to do. Still nothing.

Last Sunday during worship, we sang Paul Baloche's Your Name. It said, "Your name, is a strong and mighty tower, Your name is a shelter like no other... cause nothing has the power to save but Your name. Then I saw myself desperately holding on to a strong and mighty tower, as though I was holding on to dear life. Then a voice asked why I was holding on to the tower and not going in to the tower. So, maybe I've been holding on to head knowledge of my God instead of experiencing Him. Maybe that's why I haven't been hearing Him, because I've been outside the tower. I asked Him how do I get into the tower... I had no clue how, and I left it as that.

Tonight, another argument broke loose. I don't know who started it, but I know I fueled it. Now I sit reflecting, and I see my ugliness in every corner. How could a person who declared God's grace turn into something so ugly? As this song played on a loop, I got my answer, I had to first let go of my tower before I could enter into it. I had to let go of my hopes, let go of my fears, let go of my own resolve, let go or my own solutions, let go of my head knowledge, let go of everything that defined me. Total trust and total obedience was required of me.

I've heard of total trust and total obedience before... But when I actually stood at the door and read the prerequisites - trust and obedience, fear gripped. Letting go of all these meant letting go of me, letting go of everything I know, letting go of my status quo.

But still He gently beckonds... My name is a strong and mighty tower, My name is a shelter like no other, nothing has the power to save but My name...


Nothing has the power to save but Your name.
I don't have the power to save.

Surfing the waves

Recently read a devotional article where the author presented both sides of stormy seas. In a nut shell, you could either surf on it, or try to swim your way outta if which may eventually land you exhausted and you may just drown.

When the miscarriage (yes, still talking about it, cause there's so much to say!!) happened, we never asked why us. The question somehow was redundant. But people around us did. One dear dear friend asked, "but you're so close to God, how can He let this happen to you?". I answered, why not me? I'm not that all special also. *Stunned* God didn't promise me sunshine, He said rain will fall on EVERYONE (close to Him or not). God didn't promise me a trouble-free life, He promised me a good life. And as we know life in itself spells trouble. He didn't promise me smooth sailing rides and easy-to-walk roads, in fact the way to heaven is long, winding, and narrow.

So where did the misunderstanding come about? When do we, Christians, start thinking that now that we have God, everything will be perfect?

Please read on.

What God did promise is that He will hold me up so that my foot will not hit the ground. He said that He knows the plans He has for me, which are good plans to prosper and to give me a good life. He said that all who are weary and heavy laden can come to Him and they will find rest. He said that we can hide in the shadow of His wings. He said that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will be found. And the list goes on!

I found the answer in the lyrics of the song Held by Natalie Grant. "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." Such was the promise, that the God that we know, love, and serve has us in the palm of His Mighty hand. That come what may, He will have us held.

Because He is God, because He is the heavenly Father, because He is the creator of the universe, and because He is Almighty, we found that we could trust in Him, and to ultimately say that being held in the hands of God is more than enough. In fact it's the best place to be.

People grieve because they remember what they've lost. I had to rework my life to say goodbye to the plans and memories, to the could haves. I went about telling Justin, we would've made wonderful parents. All the shoulds, woulds, coulds have a way of making the grieve heavier. When we were done looking at things we've lost (actually it was me, Justin pretty much saw this earlier than I did), I turned to the only person I could - Jesus. And the peace came - not as a feeling - but as a new sense of understanding that we have indeed been held in His hands and we were surfing this big wave.

Before this, I only imagined what my faith would be like if a terrible thing would've happen to me. But it was interesting that when it happened, as sad, grieved, and teary as I was, I not only survived, I thrived. I could still find the joy in me, I could still run to God, I could still comfort others who were feeling for us. That is what being held in the hands of God is. That when you need Him the most, you WILL find Him. Sometimes not in the way we wish, but in the way He knows we need. He held me in one piece. I feel like I've been through fire and survived! XD

This feeling is exhilarating!

Everything we have are gifts from God. Car, house, family, job, children, even our lives are gifts from Him. He is the giver, He has the right to decide to whom He would like to give , and from whom He would like to withold. But many times we kick, scream, and throw a fit when we don't get what we ask for or what we want.

The fact is that God has already given us everything we need - Salvation. This period, my definition of the cross was reworked - the cross used to be a place where my sins were forgiven, now it is a place where hope was born, refuge was granted, and a good and prosperous future was promised. Because of the cross, we have hope for an eternal life where we will see our baby again and the pains of this world will end. Because of the cross we can continually and forever find rest in the shadow of His wings. Because of the cross we can be sure that He has already walked the path ahead of us and is gently guiding us to where He wants us to be - don't worry, the journey may seem unpleasant at times, but when we get there, Woo hooo.

We do want to try for another child when the time is right. We can choose to come together, but it is God who will decide to give or not to. If He decides to, HOORAY! But if not, it's really ok cause He is all we need.

God's Providence

I'm pretty sure there are some people who wonder how Justin and I survive. Mainly pertaining to the financial part. We both don't make substantial amounts of money. Neither are we from rich backgrounds.

I shall reveal our secret today. But let me warn you, you may not like nor believe our secret. You've been warned. =)

I believe that the reason we are doing more than surviving is because of "heritage". Not so much financial heritages or inheritances, but spiritual and practical heritages. Growing up, our parents instilled tonnes of great wisdom and truths that we've seen and realised to be tremendously true and beneficial. Below are these truths/wisdom:

• 10% of all you earn goes back to God. (aka tithes). This is the first, most important and a no-no to touch. We believe that every cent we make ultimately belongs to God, we are merely stewards (you can debate on this with me another time). That said, in actual fact, 100% of everything we have belongs to Him, but to train us, God requires only 10%.

• Give to building/missions pledges. Inline with the above, we see providence as chances to bless others. So while we may not be out in the missions field, the very least we can do is to give. How much to do that... many people have many different ideas and rationalizations. But what has worked for us: we pray about it, and most times, we are challenged with an amount. Then we obey and tell God that we don't know where the money will come from, but we want to give ____ amount to you. And every single time, there is always just enough money to fulfill our pledges.

• 20% of all our paychecks go to the bank to remain untouched.

• Bless others. My parents have never let finances stand in between them giving to and blessing others. This spirit of generosity is something we work to instill in our marriage.

• Trust God for and in everything. That means sometimes trading our human understanding for heavenward understanding, learning to see God in everything, and not questioning Him.
  

So there you have it. 5 simple guidelines we abide to. We've been married since Dec 2007. We own a house, a car, and a baby is coming along the way. Still our trust remains in the Lord - the Maker of everything. =)

To God be the Glory. All Glory!

You know better than I

A while ago, Mishie sent me a soundtrack from the animation King of Dreams - You know better than I. It has touched me in so many ways.

Today again, I am reminded that He knows so so so much better than I. No shame in it, because it once again gave me rest and relief. To know that I may screw up big time, but He knows better than I, and is better than I. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be His.

Tall Oaks from Little Acorns grow.

David Everett (1769-1813)

You'd scarce expect one of my age
To speak in public on the stage;
And if I chance to fall below
Demosthenes or Cicero,
Don't view me with a critic's eye,
But pass my imperfections by.
Large streams from little fountains flow,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

I'm a little acorn!! Woo Hooo!!!

Graduation

Hello hello!!

Masters has been dragging on FOREVER!!! But looking at schedule, I should be able to finish by June! WOO HOO. HELP UC now has this really cool online experiment site, where students publish their research titles and available time slots, and participants sign up online. It was really exciting watching people sign up for the sessions, kinda like watching the stock market! XD

But thank God, the numbers are rolling in, and my sessions are filling up. Thanks to Jenn Ming who helped promote my research to his classmates. Thank you thank you Ming!!! So come next Friday, I'll begin the first session of data gathering for the long awaited dissertation.

The thing is, I used to absolutely dispise research. But this time it's different, I am excited and passionate about my research! Goodness! Must be getting this from Justin.

So, watch out for my formal announcement on graduation some time in June =D

Love

Love brings out the best and worst in people. Successful marriages = when the best's outweighs the worst's.

So small

Carrie Underwood's song "So Small" really sums up the impact of perspectives and how perspectives we choose cause us to see our 'grains of sand' as unconquerable mountains. Choice Theory is right, at the end of the day, we choose our paths and how we feel. This song has been inspirational. Enjoy.

So Small
-Carrie Underwood

What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Appreciate the Little Things

Learn to appreciate the little things, then you will have the character to appreciate the bigger ones.

I need to learn this lesson.

Read a little write up about Positive Psychology (good stuff!), and their premise is simple: when people are happy they are relaxed, when they are relaxed they are productive, when they are productive they will automatically be able and willing to give more than required.

Made me think, I used to do this quite often, to look at the good things. But seeing so many people and listening to their problems, just made it harder to remember that... no wonder why I'm dreading doing the things I am. Need to start looking and digging up the good stuff and turning a blind eye to the bad. =D

Another thing to add to the list: Look for the good!

Another one from Crosswalk

I really love cross walk's devotionals, they speak such life and such wisdom from ordinary women like me, answering an extraordinary call or being a child of God, a wife, a mother. Hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me.

How is Your Marriage?

Melissa Taylor

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

Devotion:

A while ago, I wrote a devotion where I revealed portions of my past that continue to affect my marriage today. I followed that up with another one recounting the struggle I've had being intimate with my husband. I received hundreds of letters from women of all ages who could relate to what I had written. Because I also reported that my marriage was now thriving, I received a lot of questions and concerns:

"How did your marriage go from just surviving to thriving?"

"What if your husband won't go to counseling?"

"I don't love my husband anymore; what do I do?"

"My husband doesn't make me feel good; he doesn't even notice me."

"I'm exhausted from trying to be happy."

"All my husband wants is sex; I'm just too tired."

"What if your husband is not a Christian?"

"That's great for you, but what about me?"

I wish I was equipped to answer these questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to Someone who could answer all of our questions for us? We can.

One thing that helped me was prayer. I know that sounds simple. I also know it's not. It can be difficult to pray and be satisfied with God's response. We need to be committed to receiving what God offers, not just asking for what we want.

For years, I spent my time praying for God to change Jeff, my husband. I blamed Jeff for me not feeling good about myself and my life. I thought:

If he would only pay more attention to me ... then I'd be happy.

If he would just be more romantic ... then I'd be fulfilled.

I wish he understood me.

He loves his work more than me.

I wish he would read the Bible more, or pray with me.

I bought the book, Power of a Praying Wife, certain if I began praying diligently for my husband everything would be fixed. I opened the book, ready to change my husband through prayer. Imagine my surprise when the first thing the author suggested was that I pray for myself! My intentions in reading this book was to change Jeff through my prayers, not to change me. That really opened my eyes. Maybe God didn't want to change my husband; maybe He wanted to change me!

This shifted my focus on what God could do in and through me. Instead of trying to figure out how His Word applied to everyone else (especially Jeff), I focused on how it applied to me. What a difference that made!

As I prayed for myself, I also began praying for Jeff. This time I stayed out of God's way and let Him work in both our hearts. There was not quick, but steady improvement. Looking back to when I first made the decision to focus more on my role in our marriage and less on Jeff's, and compare it to today, it is like night and day.

I am a wife, but even before that I am a child of God. I pray my marriage lasts forever, but I have no guarantee of that. I do have the guarantee that my relationship with Jesus will. That's the relationship I must work on first. Amazingly, when that one is right, the rest falls into place for me. It doesn't mean that all is well, but it means I am well.

The next time you find yourself yearning for more from your marriage and husband, think about this. Instead of asking, "How is my marriage doing?" or "How is my relationship with my husband?" Ask "How am I doing?" or "How is my relationship with Jesus?"

Dear Lord, help me to turn over all of the desires in my heart to You. Work on my relationships, beginning with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Some thoughts

In the quest for self-development, I often ask myself:
What have I done today?
Why did I do the things I did?
Were my intentions right?
Did I please God?

Not because I am trying to be super-spiritual / righteous. That is not possible. Through learning and life, I've come to understand that this is the way I find balance. By focusing on an unchanging God, I find my balance.

Before Masters, time to reflect was abundant. In Aussie, reflecting became second nature and it was done every other day. But it is with much pain that I say since Masters, there just hasn't been time to reflect. As a result, I've been off tangent and reflection is done only when stress boils over... for a long while now. Actually since practicum started mid last year.

Change is a prerequisite of any counseling relationship. Change for both client and counselor. These few months of counseling have only served to confirm this. At this point, I am exhausted. I've been crying so much lately I don't know why. I get tired so quickly and easily, even when I've had more than enough sleep. It now takes double or triple the effort to stay afloat - to tell myself that I'm still doing OK, not perfect but still OK.

But life is a big lemon fan, the minute I've managed to pull myself together, another big fat sour lemon is thrown my way. Such is life. Recently I was reminded that no matter how hard I try, now nice I am, how right my intentions are, how flawless I've performed there will always be someone who will not approve. Somewhere, something, someone will manage to point out something of me that's not OK.

Key thing I've learned through past few weeks' supervision is to acknowledge the person of the counselor. Being so caught up with how others' are feeling, what others' think, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, will cause us to forget the person of the counselor and eventually drive us insane. In short, we have to find this balance between loving and pampering the self before we can help others.

My current state is that of a wreck in need of a serious overhaul which is being helplessly wheeled into a garage. I have lost my balance.

I sort of currently in the middle of loving myself and caring for others. I am not doing both well by any measure. Apparent in my current physical state and in the feedback I've been getting. I've not been very nice lately - moody to be exact. If I've in any way offended you of late, I apologize.

Oh God, I need to find my balance!! I need to live again! Reflection beckons... tonight maybe.