I could write a book!

The title was what I exclaimed to my counseling supervisor/mentor/lecturer when he called to see how we were doing. I've learned so much through this episode. A serious amount in fact. One coping method was to psycho-analyze people who talked/sms/emailed me regarding the issue. My "findings" were interesting. Helped me understand humans a bit more and I think it really added depth to my counseling skills. "If I were to write a book" I told my supervisor, "I'd write about Things not to say to a grieving person". But that's a road I may or may not go down.

It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)

Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.

I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.

Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.

So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.

I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.

If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.

So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.

Malachi 3:3

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith,'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

Another one from Crosswalk

I really love cross walk's devotionals, they speak such life and such wisdom from ordinary women like me, answering an extraordinary call or being a child of God, a wife, a mother. Hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me.

How is Your Marriage?

Melissa Taylor

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

Devotion:

A while ago, I wrote a devotion where I revealed portions of my past that continue to affect my marriage today. I followed that up with another one recounting the struggle I've had being intimate with my husband. I received hundreds of letters from women of all ages who could relate to what I had written. Because I also reported that my marriage was now thriving, I received a lot of questions and concerns:

"How did your marriage go from just surviving to thriving?"

"What if your husband won't go to counseling?"

"I don't love my husband anymore; what do I do?"

"My husband doesn't make me feel good; he doesn't even notice me."

"I'm exhausted from trying to be happy."

"All my husband wants is sex; I'm just too tired."

"What if your husband is not a Christian?"

"That's great for you, but what about me?"

I wish I was equipped to answer these questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to Someone who could answer all of our questions for us? We can.

One thing that helped me was prayer. I know that sounds simple. I also know it's not. It can be difficult to pray and be satisfied with God's response. We need to be committed to receiving what God offers, not just asking for what we want.

For years, I spent my time praying for God to change Jeff, my husband. I blamed Jeff for me not feeling good about myself and my life. I thought:

If he would only pay more attention to me ... then I'd be happy.

If he would just be more romantic ... then I'd be fulfilled.

I wish he understood me.

He loves his work more than me.

I wish he would read the Bible more, or pray with me.

I bought the book, Power of a Praying Wife, certain if I began praying diligently for my husband everything would be fixed. I opened the book, ready to change my husband through prayer. Imagine my surprise when the first thing the author suggested was that I pray for myself! My intentions in reading this book was to change Jeff through my prayers, not to change me. That really opened my eyes. Maybe God didn't want to change my husband; maybe He wanted to change me!

This shifted my focus on what God could do in and through me. Instead of trying to figure out how His Word applied to everyone else (especially Jeff), I focused on how it applied to me. What a difference that made!

As I prayed for myself, I also began praying for Jeff. This time I stayed out of God's way and let Him work in both our hearts. There was not quick, but steady improvement. Looking back to when I first made the decision to focus more on my role in our marriage and less on Jeff's, and compare it to today, it is like night and day.

I am a wife, but even before that I am a child of God. I pray my marriage lasts forever, but I have no guarantee of that. I do have the guarantee that my relationship with Jesus will. That's the relationship I must work on first. Amazingly, when that one is right, the rest falls into place for me. It doesn't mean that all is well, but it means I am well.

The next time you find yourself yearning for more from your marriage and husband, think about this. Instead of asking, "How is my marriage doing?" or "How is my relationship with my husband?" Ask "How am I doing?" or "How is my relationship with Jesus?"

Dear Lord, help me to turn over all of the desires in my heart to You. Work on my relationships, beginning with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Mercy Ministries

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

I really love Proverbs 31 Ministry's daily devotions - Encouragement for today. Got another beautifully written one today and thought I should share this.

.Personal thoughts at the bottom.

Brain Blips, Mishaps, and Feelings of Failure

by Lysa TerKeurst

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash." Matthew: 7:24-27 (NIV)

Devotion:

Do you know what amazes me about those verses above? Both the person doing right and the person doing wrong experienced hard times. In both cases the rains came, the streams rose, and the wind blew and beat against the house.

Just because we're Christians living out God's principles for life, does not mean we won't face difficult circumstances. The difference being a Christian makes is how the difficulties affect us. If we are hearing and heeding God through our prayer time and reading His Word, then we will be able to stand strong in the storms of life. Our faith will not be shaken and our identity will not be rattled.

I once heard my pastor lament to my husband that sometimes he only feels as good as his last sermon. I can so closely identify with his comment because as a friend, wife, and mother, sometimes I only feel as good as my last interaction with someone close to me. A friend tells me I hurt her feelings and suddenly I feel like a bad friend. I forget to take the cookies I signed up to bring to the church nursery and suddenly I feel unreliable and disorganized. My husband asks me where his passport is, and when I can't find the file, suddenly I feel like a wife that can't be trusted.

The passport thing is still very fresh on my mind because it just happened recently. My normal reaction would have been to get frustrated, short tempered, and beat myself up while tearing the house apart looking for the missing passports.

But God's Spirit spoke to my heart and said, "Let me invade your natural flesh reaction. Call your husband and pray about the passports instead of getting frustrated."

So, Art and I prayed. I went from defining myself as a failure of a wife to being a praying woman who can face a hardship in a godly way. The frustration was diffused and we determined to look at this from God's perspective. If we find the passports, we'll praise God! If we don't find them, we'll see this as God's protection not to go on a planned trip later this month and we'll still praise God.

When hard times come and beat against our stability, we must be determined to hear God's words and put them into practice. Then nothing can topple our peace, security, or true identity.

Dear Lord, Thank You that my identity does not have to be determined by the circumstances of my life. Help me to hear Your Words, put them into practice and stand firm on Your truth. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

© 2009 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries

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There's been tonnes of times where I can totally identify with the phrase "I only feel as good as the last interaction". My darling hubs struggles to understand how I can be so inconsistent a lot of times. One morning, I'm dancing tip toed across the hall, but in the afternoon, I'm as grouchy as Oscar the Grouch on a mean grouchy day. The change is 180 degrees almost instantly! And I really don't like that. Some days, there's extra strength and I try hard to change my moods for the better. But other days, fatigue (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual) gets me stuck in the rut for a long long time. Then poor hubs is at the receiving end of this. The same thing results each time - I feel horrible, like a monster of a person, weak and defeated.

Today's devotion reminded me that it will always be by HIS strength that I will be able to rise above mood swings and having my emotions and worth defined by my last interaction.

p.s. Thank God for a loving and very very patient husband =D

To All Women Out There

Ever felt worthless, ashamed, belittled? Have you been filled with self-doubt? Do you find it hard to believe that anyone could actually be praising you, yet at the same time, longing so much for the slightest bit of recognition? Ever felt that there was nothing on earth you could do to make this better and how you wish you were never born? Have you ever felt ugly and unattractive? I have. I still do. This is something my dear friend May Anne sent me. It was at a perfect timing... God's way of telling me, "You're doing OK, my dear. And I'm still here." Hope this speaks to you too... Maybe it's God's way of telling you "You're doing OK, my dear. And I'm still here."

Every Woman is Beautiful

-author unknown (but God bless him/her for encouraging so many of us)

A little boy asked his mother "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman", she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His mum just hugged him and said, "And you never will....... "

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason" was all his dad could say.....

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to GOD; when GOD got on the phone, the man said "GOD, why do women cry so easily?"

GOD said.... "When I made women she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world; yet, gentle enough to give comfort....

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children......

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.......

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt them very badly......

This same sensitivity helps her make a child's boo-boo feel better and shares in their teenagers anxieties and fears.......

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.......

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.....

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed, This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.