Happy Birthday to me

To the people who made this day beautiful:
my parents, my sister, my students (you guys are AMAZING! You almost made me cry!!) and ex students (Yes I remember you guys!) I am so very blessed to have had the honor of having my path crossed yours. THANK YOU so very very much!

Lesson learned today..sometimes happiness lies within your own hands. =)

so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

27 gems for 27 years

In an hour or so I'll turn 27. That's a good 3 years from the big three-zero. Quite an achievement if you ask me. After a night of peace (Baby A fell asleep at 7pm), I am inspired to blog! So here goes a list of 27 gems of lessons learned and things to be thankful for.

1. Thank God for life. These past 2 years have been the hardest and the most rewarding thus far. The pain and the joy brought a new appreciation for life in itself.
2. Thank God for the family I came from. Having been a mom for 5 months.. I have finally begun learning about the weight of a parent's sacrifice and what it takes to hold a family together. I am who I am because of my family.
3. Thank God for my husband. I cannot begin to count the number of times we've had disagreements and arguments. But in the worst of it all, I realized that if I got to choose my partner all over again, there's no one else I'd choose to go through the worst and best with than Justin.
4. Thank God for our first child. Though we never met, you left a great impact on my life. You taught me what it meant to love a stranger, to hope for the best, and to lay what's precious in the hands of the Maker. We will meet again my baby.
5. Thank God for Alyssa. My Toothless! I thank God for the privilege to be her mom. Every day she lets me know just how precious I am to her. I've never met anyone who has made me feel this appreciated. She just loves me for me.<3
6. Thank God for all the lessons Alyssa has taught me. See following:
7. Learned to laugh a bit more. Silly songs and funky moves... anything to tickle my daughter's funny bones somehow is contagious!
8. Learned to be organized. I now walk around with a mental note of things that need to be done, my priority list, and how to get them done in the shortest time. No joke, I have a huge list for the diaper bag alone!
9. Learned what is more important. So the bottles need to be washed and sterilized, the diaper bag needs to be packed, the clothes washed and hung, the floor swept and mopped... But my daughter's looking at me with those eyes that say "here I am mommy, let's play!" So the bottles, bag, clothes, floor can all wait. I'm getting my priorities straight! It's these little moments that are truly important!
10. Learned that many complicated things can be settled with a smile. My daughter has not mastered grammar or vocab yet, but she manages to take away all my stress, lethargy, demotivation with just one smile.
    
11. Learned to take care of a baby! When I first held her, she felt so small and fragile. Never thought I'd make it through the first month. It's been 5 since. =)
12. Learned that waking up early in the morning isn't all that bad. Since Toothless greets us with that huge toothless grin!
13. Learned that staying at home every chance we get is really nice!
14. Learned that weekends are so much more worthwhile while spending with family.
15. Learned that babies aren't THAT fragile. My Toothless is mega resilient!
16. Am learning to be a protective mommy! My daughter depends on me to keep her safe and look after her wellbeing. Sometimes that requires saying no to things/people.
    
17. Learned that raising a child requires lots of team effort.
18. Learned that there are better things to do than to hold a grudge.
19. Learned that a small getaway (e.g. 1 day trips) can be very relaxing.
20. Learned that just because I can do something doesn't mean I must do it. I am not always the right person for the job.
21. Learned that it is important to fully appreciate the stage and phase of life I am in. Because I can only fully experience the phase I am in at any given moment.
    
22. Learned that my body can seriously be pushed to the limits. pregnancy, child birth, late nights, lack of sleep!! whoa!
23. Started to learn that being a mom, a working woman, and housekeeper is VERY tough. Guess I can't do them all to perfection.
24. Learned that sometimes, the only people that I can gain love, affection, and appreciation from is God and myself. So here's a pat on my back for surviving pregnancy and 5 months and counting of motherhood.
25. Learned that I am indeed a wonderful person. Ask my daughter, I'm sure she'll concur.
26. Learned that seasons of pain make seasons of joy so much sweeter.
    
27. Last but not least, learned that in ALL things, God works for the GOOD of His children.

Wow. That was refreshing. So here's to 27 years!

Of Life after Alyssa

Before we were pregnant with Alyssa, I often would dream of life with a kid. As cliche as it sounds, I had the whole white picket fence, me adorned in an apron cooking up a storm while my little ones anxiously wait at the door for daddy to come home from work.

Needless to say, my reality is not as I dreamt it to be. I have no picket fence, heck, my house has no fence! =D and cooking up a storm is hard to do when my daughter's waking time is about the time dinner is to be prepared.

Suffice to say, life after Alyssa has been quite different from what I envisioned it to be. It was hard at first, lots of struggles. And after some reflection, I finally realised the cause of the stress. Two reasons actually 1. adjustments to everything that's new 2. my own expectations.

Adjustments are a given, afterall we've never been parents before, moreover, every child is different. The mother of all adjustments for me was the whole identity shift from being childless to with child... a mom... secondly was the whole performing-with-severe-lack-of-sleep. Following that was the change in routines, not being able to go out as and when we'd like.

The whole confinement month was not bad for me, but I really missed going out of the house. Taking a slow walk to the maintenance office to pay our bills made me happy. So came the end of confinement, I was overjoyed! Spend the night before packing the diaper bag for the first time!!! Realised how many things I had to pack... and it took me 3 outings to get the formula right. x number of diapers for x amount of time, x changes of clothes etc.

It's really interesting to sit and note down the whole list of changes after Alyssa arrived... I know I have a mental note somewhere, but in the mishmash of all things I now call routine and life, I can't seem to find this mental note! Perhaps I'll add to this list when I actually do find it.

For now, I guess all I really want to say is, life after the arrival of Alyssa is beautiful! =)

Inspired to have a kid? =D

I'm an Exclusively Pumping Mommy

Title says it all... I never knew there was a term for it, but after spending days getting used to the routine, I desperately needed some guidance and referred to the great oracle - Google. Lo and behold, I realised I am not alone!! There's a huge network of other exclusive pumpers out there.

Before I go any further let me first explain what exclusively pumping means. Basically, it's when a mommy feeds breastmilk to her baby via bottle, not breast... in other words, baby's not fed through the tap so to say. Why? Many reasons actually, premies are at the top of the list, followed by nipple and latch problems. Mine's the latter.

My first breastfeeding experience was a nightmare and left me trying so very hard to hold in my tears. I knew beforehand that my nipples would create a problem with latching on, but there was hope that maybe the baby could learn how to latch on, or maybe towards the end of pregnancy my nipples would resemble that or normal ones. But it never happened. Baby was hungry, lactation consultant was there to teach the proper latch on. I held baby in my arms, she was ready to go, mouth opened wide, I put her to breast and she just couldn't latch on... after a few more tries... she burst out into a scream... and my heart just dropped. I could not do the single more natural thing - breastfeed... I could not provide for my hungry baby.

Next few days, I still tried. Until one day I just gave up. Back at home, I had my medela pump, and I got to work trying to make my milk come. Day 4, it came. Pumping was exhilarating!! I saw trickles of whitish fluid emerging and it clicked, I CAN produce milk after all!! The rest is history.

It's been almost a month and half now of exclusive pumping. Here's the drill... I pump almost every 2 hours, feed, then wash and sterilize everything. Day and night. The number of hours of sleep I get? about 4 hours of interrupted sleep. It's a lonely journey... I'm up with the sounds of her hunger whimpers, I head downstairs to retrieved refridgerated milk, put it in the warmer, and feed (which take her 30-40 mins sometimes), then proceed to pumping (which takes another 30-40 mins), then wash and sterilize, and get back to sleep... only to be awaken about 1+hours later. It's certainly God's grace that has brought me through these nights of sleep deprivation... And what's more challenging is that on top of juggling all this... I have to ensure I get enough "rest" so my milk production maintains. I find this rather hillarious... the irony. =/

Found something uplifting today while reading other pumping mommy's blogs for support... Entitled "Cows with names produce more milk" (hilarious!!)

And I think about how we breastfeeding human moms run ourselves ragged. We get so little sleep. If we go back to work then we are especially burning the candle at both ends. Not to mention how hard the exclusively pumping moms are working. It's not easy. But we do it anyway because we know it's important.

If this is you, be nice to yourself. And realizing you are worth being treated well and making sure that you are treated that way just may help you produce more, too.

Source

I go back to work in 2 days. I do not know how I am going to fair juggling work, feeds, pumping, and keeping my health and sanity in check. I can more or less envision how things may turn out, but everyone knows reality may differ greatly. Only way to find out is to dive in. Not like I have any other choice.

I shall heed the advice and be nice to myself. For today, that means not bothering about whether the dishes are done, clothes are hung, floor is swept... for today it means not bothering whether or not I smile or make life easier for some people.. for today.. it means I just want to take a break! I'm a cow with a name for goodness' sake!! And this sleep deprived, highly stressed cow needs a well deserved break and a pat on the back for a month + of work well done.

On a side note, I absolutely dislike it when people keep probing about my breastfeeding attempts. I shall articulate it to the world here... I am exclusively pumping, breastfeeding doesn't work for me and the baby.I am already doing the BEST I can, the BEST I know how... So let me be. please!

The final stage!

The countdown on the baby blog reads 27 days. We're currently at 36 weeks 1 day, that's 6 days from being full term.

How am I feeling?
Anxious, excited, scared... and sometimes numb.

What am I doing?
Well... nesting is starting I think, we've set up the cot and organized her baby stuff. Still in need of a chest of drawers for her, but that will have to wait till later. Other than that, I've been reading up about natural delivery and C sections.

What else do we need?
A name. Lots of prayers for her to turn right side up/down. A chest of drawers. More sleep. Err... I think that's just about it.

I guess... what's been occupying my mind these days and nights are how she's enter this world, and whether we'll be able to cope with and provide for her well enough. Whether or not we'll do a good enough job raising her. Whether or not we'll be able to keep her safe. Whether or not we'll be able to train her in the ways of the Lord and finally release her into her God given ministry... Sigh... Pregnancy and parenthood really brings with it lots of worries. =/

So as I count down the days... I thank God that His presence goes before us and with us... Thank You Lord.

Baby Registry is Officially Open!

We would like to hereby announce the opening of our Baby Registry!!

We already have a few items taken up by wonderful wonderful friends (THANK YOU!)

Feel free to browse our page should you like to bless our little one with a gift =)

Once again, thank you for dropping by!

.:Baby Registry:.

Love,
Justin & Sher

The first strand

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken - Ecclesiastes 4:12

This was the verse that came to my husband before he decided to court me. It never really became my verse... mine was Ephesians 3:20. But today, it hit me. After many years, it finally sank in deep.

See... turbulence, storms, and nasties are a given any relationship, more so that between husband and wife. It became clear to me today how easy it is for both parties to see only from their focal point. Because that's all we have: our point of view. We know what we feel, what we mean, what we want, what we're getting or not getting, when and how we've been wrong... but the same can't always be said when it comes to seeing and feeling all those things as our partners would; simply because we are not our partners.

So when an argument breaks forth, all we have are our wounds, our feelings, our unmet needs, and our claims; of course with the occasional trying-to-walk-a-mile-in-our-partner's-shoes. So if both parties are arguing only for their own claims, the argument will escalate and the only solution is when one "dies to self". Believe me... "dying to self" is something I dislike... in fact if I have to "die to self" I go down with a big bang... sigh.

Back to the third strand. Ecclesiastes says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. We often see the couple as the 1st and 2nd strand and God the 3rd. When in fact God should be the first. How this works in theory is quite uncomplicated... Husband is linked to God, wife is linked to God, God links both husband and wife together.

When husband and wife argue, they need to run to their 1st cord - God. This cord is a life-giving cord. Like the umbilical cord it pours out fresh anointing, fresh love, fresh understanding, fresh grace.. and in light of these selfishness, hurts, and anger has to melt away. When these nasties are gone, it becomes progressively easier to come back together again, to sit down and talk, to love each other again.

The umbilical cord spoke today, a very simple truth... yet something my parched soul longer to hear for months: you are Mine. Beautiful isn't it? To know that I am His... to know that I am loved for me and even though I stumble, I am still His.

To my fellow friends who are in a romantic relationship, please do not forget your first strand. He is the strand that will cause this marriage cord to withstand the test of life and time.

Meat vs Candy

I shared with my cell group 2 weeks ago, something I've kept to myself for 10 months now. I told my cell... I've been feeling like God just isn't here anymore... Like He's let me down. Lots of arrogance can be read in that last line.. "He's let me down". One can go down the path and argue about how we are mere mortal and how dare I say He's let me down etc... Which is why I've kept it to myself till now.

Often times we're looking to God for some good zapping. You know the kind you get at youth concerts, camps, and altar calls? The ones that sweep you off your feet, leave you breathless, and crying your eyes silly, and leaves rivers of snot gushing down from your nose and totally wipes pride off of any self respecting controlled facade you've been trying to hold up? Yeap, that kinda zapping.

But there comes a time where God says, nope, a zapping's not what you need now my dear. You need REAL FOOD!! Meat, not candy!

So how does meat look like? Since I've been so accustomed to "candy"?

I just realised today... that for me.. meat looked like this:
1. for the past 10 months, I've been through some hardship but I'm still alive and kicking
2. my relationship with my husband has increased to greater heights and deeper depths
3. I have a beautiful baby on her way. God has taken care of her thus far
4. I still have enough.
5. I still have the strength to take on life's challenges, demands, and duties

The problem with meat... in my opinion... is that meat is not like candy... it doesn't give you that rush. There's no high when you eat meat. But slowly and surely, you'll realise you're growing. You don't notice how your body has been nourished, but you are healthy, you have strength to work, you are growing!

So I think that's why God would rather give us meat than candy. Yes, a rush (zap) on and off is real good.. but when we start craving only for candy?? Oh dear... Imagine a diet built solely upon candy? How then will this army of God be able to rise up and fight when needed to? How then will this army be able to win back souls from the gates of hell?

So yeah. He hasn't let me down. I've not had candy for awhile now. But I'm sure getting lots of meat! =D

Baby Blog

Hellooo

I know I've been away from this blog for a long time now! Been occupied with our baby blog . Do pay a visit =D

I'll try harder the next time...

I love it when my students say "I'll try harder the next time". Through the defeat, they are able to see the greater treasure - that within every failure/success is a lesson to be learned. This year, I welcomed new students to my class. It was orientation all over again, I do not know them, neither do they know me. And I think this year, I've been a little... 'off'. I wonder if it's the hormones but I've been less sharp and more forgetful. *eeks*. I admit, 9 days into the new school calendar and I've already made some mistakes.

So as tomorrow concludes the second week of this new school year, I find myself saying "I'll try harder the next time". =)

This is going to be a heck of a year!! Oh Lord, be my guide!!!

6 days and counting...

In another 6 days, we would pass our 2 year mark after the "i do-s" . It's an amazing feeling! The only way we've survived thus far (cheh wah) is really because of God. To God be all the glory!

This anniversary is special. It'll mark the last anniversary we'll have as a couple. Come June next year, we'll have a little one and two will become three. Till then, we'll savor every moment as a duo.

=)

Exceeding Grace

We initially decided to keep this till Christmas, but oh well, who doesn't like a pleasant surprise? =)

Visit www.exceeding-grace.blogspot.com

=)

For those who have prayed with us, loved and encouraged us, Thank you so very much!

Engraved on our rings

This 8th December will mark 2 years since we've been together.

I'm a sucker for sentiments. As mentioned previously, I spent lots of time thinking of the theme for our wedding/marriage. So the rings were no exception. After cracking my head thinking of what should be engraved onto the wedding rings, I gave up and asked Justin to do the thinking. He came up with a phrase we'd used alot during out courtship: More than yesterday, less than tomorrow. It was an immediate thumbs up from me. Till now, that phrase still sends shivers down my spine, and awakens the butterflies in my stomach. Yup, 4 years down the line and it still works. =)

But we've not used this phrase for a long long while now. In fact we only use it on Birthday and Anniversary cards. Such is the reality of marriage.

Courtship was fun. It was ever-so-exciting! Being constantly on cloud 9, wanting arguments to go away as quickly as possible so we could be in each other's loving arms again... Constantly on the look out for new ways to surprise each other, to tell each other how much they are loved... and being ever so diligent to learn about the other. That was courtship for me.

Then came the engagement. Ooohhh what merriment! Big shiny rock to go with it too! =) But somewhere in between saying "Yes, I'll marry you!" and "I do", new arguments broke out. Suddenly how to manage the wedding budget was a source of stress, arguments, and tears. Suddenly how many kids we'd want and when we'd start getting them caused friction. Suddenly the sounds of "How come you don't care about (fill in the blanks)" and "Am I making the right decision to marry him/her" surface. Suddenly cloud 9 didn't seem so appealing anymore.

Then comes "I do". I kid you not when I say the first few years of marriage are tough, painful, and severely testing. It takes every ounce of you to combat house loans, car loans, new job scopes, new responsibilities, being on your own, discovering the beauty and ugliness of one another... the list goes on. I sat naively when ladies who are seasoned married women warned me of the impending "pain". I sat there and I remember thinking, not us la. We'll do just fine!

=) I now laugh at my ignorance.

Being in ANY relationship is tough for that matter. Marriage is just one of the worse I think. But to my dear friends who are unmarried or considering the prospect of marriage. Let me tell you, one cannot know how sweet the sweetest of wines are until one has tasted how bitter it can get. Don't shun the pain, the arguments, and the ugliness of marriage. That's just the reality of any relationship. Because if you try hard enough, hold on to God enough, you'll soon emerge from the bitter ugliness of marriage and taste the sweet beauty of it. A beauty that surpasses every other beauty.

I Look To You

I've been captivated by Whitney Houston's vocals for a long time... It was sad when news hit that she got into all sorts "mess". It was sad because I think deep down inside she was just seeking... lonely... and confused. Like all of us are sometimes. But she chose and detoured. Now it's as though she's gone full circle and she's finally back.

Her latest single - I Look to You was meant to be a worship song. This has been on my playlist for the whole night. Hope this encourages all of us who are lost, searching, tired, lonely, confused, and in between... May we all realise sooner that we are to always look to Him for all that we seek...

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
Im lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
Yeah
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

After losing my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you
Yeah
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

(My levee's have broken, my walls have come)
Coming down on me
(Crumbling down on me)
All the rain is falling
(The rain is falling, defeat is calling)
Set me free
(I need you to set me free)

Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength has gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you
Yeah

I look to you
I look to you

Could've been...

What came to mind when naming this post was Mandy Moore's song from A Walk to Remember. =/

I've had this impression for about 2 years now... that one day we'll get to heaven and God would show us the great plan He had for our lives, the unclaimed blessings, the alternate endings. And it is then that we'll realise that we could've been so much more. That's the part in the book of Revelations that talks about great weeping in heaven.

I've ponder a few times on what it would be like if I'd get to heaven one day, happy that I made it... only to be shown what I could've been. Not some bombastic, super-duper evangelist. But if I could've impacted so many more people, if I could've shone His light a little more, if I could've walked in places of faith that have never been visited before, if I could've experienced God so much more, if I could've been more effective hands and feet of God... I can only imagine how I'd respond.

So I leave you, dear reader, with the question... what if you get to heaven and realise you could've been so much more?

What would you do today?

I look at my role as wife, daughter, teacher, friend; and I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had, how many I've walked away from, rationalized away, and totally ignored.

Maybe getting to heaven isn't the whole deal. It's ultimately, living a fulfilled life glorifying God that counts. In the end, God tests our works by fire. How much of what you've done will stand the test?

WOOOO HOOOO!

Results released... we are MASTERS GRADUATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

I Miss My Sister...

I hugged, kissed, and waved my sister goodbye today. She's currently some 30 thousand feet above sea level on her way to UK. I thought that all the training from sending my students off would help me toughen up for this. But nope... didn't work. I cried the minute I hugged her goodbye, then I cried all the way home, and even now I'm still crying. Gosh I miss my sister! She grew so fast, and now she's off to complete her degree. She'll only be back August 2010. So that's a whole 11 months of not having her around to argue with, scream at (and be screamed back at), to have her drive me around, to hug, to play with, to joke with etc...

I keep telling myself 11 months passes by soo quickly! Before I know it she'll be back. Sigh... easier said than done... I miss you so much Lynn...

By Derick

Here's something from a student of mine. I found this utterly amusing and profound!

Dancing ducks with dental floss,
Desperate dogs with dinosaurs,
Discouraged donkeys with district attorneys.
Such is life and all its mysteries.
- Derick Ong

Oohh the question he was given was "Using your own initial, either first or last, write a short shaped poem."

Gundam 00

I am not a fan of anime, simply put, I do not wait anxiously for new episodes every week, participate in fan forums. In fact my knowledge of anime is... well limited to almost zero. Only ones I've watched were Totoro (does that count?), Princess Mononoke, Ah My Goddess, Gundam 00. My siblings watch them, but I was never really drawn to them. I preferred the ang moh ones. Hehehehe...

But my hubs on the other end, likes anime. A while back he borrowed Gundam 00 season 1 from his sister. For the sake of bonding, I watched. Soon I got hooked on it and I downed Gundam just like I did Grey's Anatomy - one episode after another. Season 1 of Gundam ended very horribly... Almost every character we were made too identify with died. I remember leaving the last episode with a horrid horrid feeling (I get that when good guys don't win), and so I told Justin I never want to watch Gundam anymore!

Here I am, post graduation and Justin borrowed season 2. I didn't watch.. until episode 20. So Justin has been trying to fill me in on the many episodes I missed. Trying to piece things together, I realised something (that Justin later confirmed), there's so so so much philosophy in this anime! So many ideals, so many philosophies... Almost everyone is a purist, almost everyone is driven by some sense of a better future... by hope. Apparently, this is common knowledge to anime lovers: that anime have deep deep meanings behind them. Maybe that's why anime are so monumental.

Ooooo. I really like the ending theme song for Gundam 00 "Trust You". The music caught my ears, then I Googled the lyrics and found that it really made a lot of sense. Here they are:

English Translation
Like flowers dancing in the wind Like rain moistening the earth Although this world thrives on interdependence Why do people hurt each other? Why do we have to part?
Even if you're faraway In the depths of this heart Completely filled with that gentle smile The pieces of you that I held tight Are still connected in spite of pain, so I believe that we'll meet again I'm waiting for your love
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me
Who watched the world end? Who proclaimed the end of the journey? It's a long night, and we cannot see the answers Still I hope you keep to the road you believed in Because at the end, light is waiting.
The song that you taught me Is still, in the deepest reaches of my heart Echoing, along with that gentle voice. Overflowing droplets of feelings Warmly run down my cheeks "Become stronger Believe We're connected" I'm always by your side
I love you I trust you The tears I've shed for you I love you I trust you Have taught me what love is No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness I love you I trust you Even in sadness, even in happiness I love you I trust you I want to protect everything that's yours
No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me

In need of some F.U.N.!

It's been about 3 weeks since handing up our last assignment for MA. I thought I'd be super free now, but I guess, life is meant to be packed? I shall make the best out of this life then. First thing on the list... Do something FUN!

We never thought work + masters for 3 years will reduce us to strangers to the concept of FUN. Ohhh Fun, how we miss thee... but the saddest thing was, it actually took us a while to think of ONE FUN thing to do... sad I know.

So here's no. 1 on our list (our only item)
1. Go snorkling, probably @ Pulau Perhentian

Suggestions welcomed!! What can we do for FUN???
we've watched 2 movies @ Signatures that was fun while it lasted
we've bought tonnes of DVDs which we also finished... fun while it lasted
what else??? what else???
Ooh Paintball's coming up in October with YA, but I fear I may chicken out following the last round's bruises.