Some thoughts

In the quest for self-development, I often ask myself:
What have I done today?
Why did I do the things I did?
Were my intentions right?
Did I please God?

Not because I am trying to be super-spiritual / righteous. That is not possible. Through learning and life, I've come to understand that this is the way I find balance. By focusing on an unchanging God, I find my balance.

Before Masters, time to reflect was abundant. In Aussie, reflecting became second nature and it was done every other day. But it is with much pain that I say since Masters, there just hasn't been time to reflect. As a result, I've been off tangent and reflection is done only when stress boils over... for a long while now. Actually since practicum started mid last year.

Change is a prerequisite of any counseling relationship. Change for both client and counselor. These few months of counseling have only served to confirm this. At this point, I am exhausted. I've been crying so much lately I don't know why. I get tired so quickly and easily, even when I've had more than enough sleep. It now takes double or triple the effort to stay afloat - to tell myself that I'm still doing OK, not perfect but still OK.

But life is a big lemon fan, the minute I've managed to pull myself together, another big fat sour lemon is thrown my way. Such is life. Recently I was reminded that no matter how hard I try, now nice I am, how right my intentions are, how flawless I've performed there will always be someone who will not approve. Somewhere, something, someone will manage to point out something of me that's not OK.

Key thing I've learned through past few weeks' supervision is to acknowledge the person of the counselor. Being so caught up with how others' are feeling, what others' think, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, will cause us to forget the person of the counselor and eventually drive us insane. In short, we have to find this balance between loving and pampering the self before we can help others.

My current state is that of a wreck in need of a serious overhaul which is being helplessly wheeled into a garage. I have lost my balance.

I sort of currently in the middle of loving myself and caring for others. I am not doing both well by any measure. Apparent in my current physical state and in the feedback I've been getting. I've not been very nice lately - moody to be exact. If I've in any way offended you of late, I apologize.

Oh God, I need to find my balance!! I need to live again! Reflection beckons... tonight maybe.