Sigh....... I got the blue screen of death 2 weeks back. Managed to salvage the most important files before having it reformatted. Since then, I've more of less restored it to it's functioning state, but I've been having problems installing Kaspersky (original version ok!). And today, it hung... TWICE!! same symptoms as before... diagonal and horizontal lines all over my display!
GRrrrrr... This is causing me much distress as I've been working on my thesis and I have to literally hit Ctrl + S after every sentence!!!! Once I forgot and I lost one whole paragraph! Need to work on buying a new one when we get back from Aussie.. Oh Lord, I need the money to buy another one... or fix this one... please? =D
I really am distressed.... Talk about feeling insecure now... I'm typing this post with anxiousness.. Don't know if it will hang again... =.=
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
A Well Needed Break
God is amazing! We survived internship! 200 hours of personal counseling, 50 hours of group counseling plus course work and all! Now it's just the matter of completing thesis and hooray!
I tell my students to take breaks. Small breaks are effective in so many ways. We're getting a break this weekend. Got tickets to watch Transformers. This will be the first time we've step foot into a cinema in 2009... So sad I know! But it's OK! Soon thesis will be completed, and we'll be masters graduates =D
Thank God for breaks and thank God for providence!
I tell my students to take breaks. Small breaks are effective in so many ways. We're getting a break this weekend. Got tickets to watch Transformers. This will be the first time we've step foot into a cinema in 2009... So sad I know! But it's OK! Soon thesis will be completed, and we'll be masters graduates =D
Thank God for breaks and thank God for providence!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Of Changeling and Endings
I had a well deserved break this evening. Managed to cuddle up with Justin to watch a movie - Changeling. I don't know if I would recommend this movie to anyone... Because it didn't really have a happy ending. For me, when I watch a movie, the most important thing is the ending. Which is why even if the show is the most boring one on earth, I'll have to stick to the end to see what the "ending" is all about.
This movie, based on a true story, showed how determined a mother can be. Despite having all odds against her, she stuck through till the day she died.
If you've watched the movie, what I'm going to say should make more sense. At the end of the movie we both had one question "How can God watch all this and not inflict these monsters with fury from hell?" In the end Justin got an answer: He is God... and He knows their ending. God knows exactly how we're going to end our lives if we continue on our paths or shift paths midway.
Which brings me to the subject of 'endings'. Many times we do things without the "ending" in mind. Usually for younger people like myself (hehehe), youths, and children. The concept of "ending" seems hard to grasp. During childhood, we're roaming free, with subjective concepts being hard to grasp. Then at the age of 10 or so, we start looking up to teenagers, the supposed "cool" people, we aspire to one day "grow up" and for our lives to "start". Few short years later, we become teenagers, thinking that our life has begun when in actual fact it began the day you were conceived. So we go about fantasizing how life would be perfect if we didn't have parents nagging, didn't have rules to follow, and we were "grown up". Another few short years later, we become adults and we believe that by some stroke of magic when we turn 21, LIFE as we've planned and fantasized would finally start.... Only to be greeted by the harsh realities of life... that life isn't all that. Extra freedom = extra responsibilities. Extra money = extra bills. Extra room to make choices = extra room to fail miserably.
We wait our entire life for Life to start, only to find out (I hope sooner than later) that life is what we have now. Not in the past, not in the future.
I need to start living every "now" with the "ending" in mind. Because I never know when I'll reach the end. I don't want to be caught off guard and have to beg for mercy, for another day, another second, another chance.
Life is build upon every moment of "now" that we have. Choose your now's cautiously, for you never know when you'll run out of them. Every beginning has an end, do you know when your's will be?
This movie, based on a true story, showed how determined a mother can be. Despite having all odds against her, she stuck through till the day she died.
If you've watched the movie, what I'm going to say should make more sense. At the end of the movie we both had one question "How can God watch all this and not inflict these monsters with fury from hell?" In the end Justin got an answer: He is God... and He knows their ending. God knows exactly how we're going to end our lives if we continue on our paths or shift paths midway.
Which brings me to the subject of 'endings'. Many times we do things without the "ending" in mind. Usually for younger people like myself (hehehe), youths, and children. The concept of "ending" seems hard to grasp. During childhood, we're roaming free, with subjective concepts being hard to grasp. Then at the age of 10 or so, we start looking up to teenagers, the supposed "cool" people, we aspire to one day "grow up" and for our lives to "start". Few short years later, we become teenagers, thinking that our life has begun when in actual fact it began the day you were conceived. So we go about fantasizing how life would be perfect if we didn't have parents nagging, didn't have rules to follow, and we were "grown up". Another few short years later, we become adults and we believe that by some stroke of magic when we turn 21, LIFE as we've planned and fantasized would finally start.... Only to be greeted by the harsh realities of life... that life isn't all that. Extra freedom = extra responsibilities. Extra money = extra bills. Extra room to make choices = extra room to fail miserably.
We wait our entire life for Life to start, only to find out (I hope sooner than later) that life is what we have now. Not in the past, not in the future.
I need to start living every "now" with the "ending" in mind. Because I never know when I'll reach the end. I don't want to be caught off guard and have to beg for mercy, for another day, another second, another chance.
Life is build upon every moment of "now" that we have. Choose your now's cautiously, for you never know when you'll run out of them. Every beginning has an end, do you know when your's will be?
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Surfing the waves
Recently read a devotional article where the author presented both sides of stormy seas. In a nut shell, you could either surf on it, or try to swim your way outta if which may eventually land you exhausted and you may just drown.
When the miscarriage (yes, still talking about it, cause there's so much to say!!) happened, we never asked why us. The question somehow was redundant. But people around us did. One dear dear friend asked, "but you're so close to God, how can He let this happen to you?". I answered, why not me? I'm not that all special also. *Stunned* God didn't promise me sunshine, He said rain will fall on EVERYONE (close to Him or not). God didn't promise me a trouble-free life, He promised me a good life. And as we know life in itself spells trouble. He didn't promise me smooth sailing rides and easy-to-walk roads, in fact the way to heaven is long, winding, and narrow.
So where did the misunderstanding come about? When do we, Christians, start thinking that now that we have God, everything will be perfect?
Please read on.
What God did promise is that He will hold me up so that my foot will not hit the ground. He said that He knows the plans He has for me, which are good plans to prosper and to give me a good life. He said that all who are weary and heavy laden can come to Him and they will find rest. He said that we can hide in the shadow of His wings. He said that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will be found. And the list goes on!
I found the answer in the lyrics of the song Held by Natalie Grant. "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." Such was the promise, that the God that we know, love, and serve has us in the palm of His Mighty hand. That come what may, He will have us held.
Because He is God, because He is the heavenly Father, because He is the creator of the universe, and because He is Almighty, we found that we could trust in Him, and to ultimately say that being held in the hands of God is more than enough. In fact it's the best place to be.
People grieve because they remember what they've lost. I had to rework my life to say goodbye to the plans and memories, to the could haves. I went about telling Justin, we would've made wonderful parents. All the shoulds, woulds, coulds have a way of making the grieve heavier. When we were done looking at things we've lost (actually it was me, Justin pretty much saw this earlier than I did), I turned to the only person I could - Jesus. And the peace came - not as a feeling - but as a new sense of understanding that we have indeed been held in His hands and we were surfing this big wave.
Before this, I only imagined what my faith would be like if a terrible thing would've happen to me. But it was interesting that when it happened, as sad, grieved, and teary as I was, I not only survived, I thrived. I could still find the joy in me, I could still run to God, I could still comfort others who were feeling for us. That is what being held in the hands of God is. That when you need Him the most, you WILL find Him. Sometimes not in the way we wish, but in the way He knows we need. He held me in one piece. I feel like I've been through fire and survived! XD
This feeling is exhilarating!
Everything we have are gifts from God. Car, house, family, job, children, even our lives are gifts from Him. He is the giver, He has the right to decide to whom He would like to give , and from whom He would like to withold. But many times we kick, scream, and throw a fit when we don't get what we ask for or what we want.
The fact is that God has already given us everything we need - Salvation. This period, my definition of the cross was reworked - the cross used to be a place where my sins were forgiven, now it is a place where hope was born, refuge was granted, and a good and prosperous future was promised. Because of the cross, we have hope for an eternal life where we will see our baby again and the pains of this world will end. Because of the cross we can continually and forever find rest in the shadow of His wings. Because of the cross we can be sure that He has already walked the path ahead of us and is gently guiding us to where He wants us to be - don't worry, the journey may seem unpleasant at times, but when we get there, Woo hooo.
We do want to try for another child when the time is right. We can choose to come together, but it is God who will decide to give or not to. If He decides to, HOORAY! But if not, it's really ok cause He is all we need.
When the miscarriage (yes, still talking about it, cause there's so much to say!!) happened, we never asked why us. The question somehow was redundant. But people around us did. One dear dear friend asked, "but you're so close to God, how can He let this happen to you?". I answered, why not me? I'm not that all special also. *Stunned* God didn't promise me sunshine, He said rain will fall on EVERYONE (close to Him or not). God didn't promise me a trouble-free life, He promised me a good life. And as we know life in itself spells trouble. He didn't promise me smooth sailing rides and easy-to-walk roads, in fact the way to heaven is long, winding, and narrow.
So where did the misunderstanding come about? When do we, Christians, start thinking that now that we have God, everything will be perfect?
Please read on.
What God did promise is that He will hold me up so that my foot will not hit the ground. He said that He knows the plans He has for me, which are good plans to prosper and to give me a good life. He said that all who are weary and heavy laden can come to Him and they will find rest. He said that we can hide in the shadow of His wings. He said that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will be found. And the list goes on!
I found the answer in the lyrics of the song Held by Natalie Grant. "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." Such was the promise, that the God that we know, love, and serve has us in the palm of His Mighty hand. That come what may, He will have us held.
Because He is God, because He is the heavenly Father, because He is the creator of the universe, and because He is Almighty, we found that we could trust in Him, and to ultimately say that being held in the hands of God is more than enough. In fact it's the best place to be.
People grieve because they remember what they've lost. I had to rework my life to say goodbye to the plans and memories, to the could haves. I went about telling Justin, we would've made wonderful parents. All the shoulds, woulds, coulds have a way of making the grieve heavier. When we were done looking at things we've lost (actually it was me, Justin pretty much saw this earlier than I did), I turned to the only person I could - Jesus. And the peace came - not as a feeling - but as a new sense of understanding that we have indeed been held in His hands and we were surfing this big wave.
Before this, I only imagined what my faith would be like if a terrible thing would've happen to me. But it was interesting that when it happened, as sad, grieved, and teary as I was, I not only survived, I thrived. I could still find the joy in me, I could still run to God, I could still comfort others who were feeling for us. That is what being held in the hands of God is. That when you need Him the most, you WILL find Him. Sometimes not in the way we wish, but in the way He knows we need. He held me in one piece. I feel like I've been through fire and survived! XD
This feeling is exhilarating!
Everything we have are gifts from God. Car, house, family, job, children, even our lives are gifts from Him. He is the giver, He has the right to decide to whom He would like to give , and from whom He would like to withold. But many times we kick, scream, and throw a fit when we don't get what we ask for or what we want.
The fact is that God has already given us everything we need - Salvation. This period, my definition of the cross was reworked - the cross used to be a place where my sins were forgiven, now it is a place where hope was born, refuge was granted, and a good and prosperous future was promised. Because of the cross, we have hope for an eternal life where we will see our baby again and the pains of this world will end. Because of the cross we can continually and forever find rest in the shadow of His wings. Because of the cross we can be sure that He has already walked the path ahead of us and is gently guiding us to where He wants us to be - don't worry, the journey may seem unpleasant at times, but when we get there, Woo hooo.
We do want to try for another child when the time is right. We can choose to come together, but it is God who will decide to give or not to. If He decides to, HOORAY! But if not, it's really ok cause He is all we need.
Friday, June 05, 2009
I could write a book!
The title was what I exclaimed to my counseling supervisor/mentor/lecturer when he called to see how we were doing. I've learned so much through this episode. A serious amount in fact. One coping method was to psycho-analyze people who talked/sms/emailed me regarding the issue. My "findings" were interesting. Helped me understand humans a bit more and I think it really added depth to my counseling skills. "If I were to write a book" I told my supervisor, "I'd write about Things not to say to a grieving person". But that's a road I may or may not go down.
It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)
Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.
I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.
Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.
So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.
I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.
If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.
So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.
It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)
Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.
I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.
Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.
So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.
I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.
If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.
So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.
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