I could write a book!

The title was what I exclaimed to my counseling supervisor/mentor/lecturer when he called to see how we were doing. I've learned so much through this episode. A serious amount in fact. One coping method was to psycho-analyze people who talked/sms/emailed me regarding the issue. My "findings" were interesting. Helped me understand humans a bit more and I think it really added depth to my counseling skills. "If I were to write a book" I told my supervisor, "I'd write about Things not to say to a grieving person". But that's a road I may or may not go down.

It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)

Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.

I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.

Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.

So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.

I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.

If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.

So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.