6 days and counting...

In another 6 days, we would pass our 2 year mark after the "i do-s" . It's an amazing feeling! The only way we've survived thus far (cheh wah) is really because of God. To God be all the glory!

This anniversary is special. It'll mark the last anniversary we'll have as a couple. Come June next year, we'll have a little one and two will become three. Till then, we'll savor every moment as a duo.

=)

Exceeding Grace

We initially decided to keep this till Christmas, but oh well, who doesn't like a pleasant surprise? =)

Visit www.exceeding-grace.blogspot.com

=)

For those who have prayed with us, loved and encouraged us, Thank you so very much!

Engraved on our rings

This 8th December will mark 2 years since we've been together.

I'm a sucker for sentiments. As mentioned previously, I spent lots of time thinking of the theme for our wedding/marriage. So the rings were no exception. After cracking my head thinking of what should be engraved onto the wedding rings, I gave up and asked Justin to do the thinking. He came up with a phrase we'd used alot during out courtship: More than yesterday, less than tomorrow. It was an immediate thumbs up from me. Till now, that phrase still sends shivers down my spine, and awakens the butterflies in my stomach. Yup, 4 years down the line and it still works. =)

But we've not used this phrase for a long long while now. In fact we only use it on Birthday and Anniversary cards. Such is the reality of marriage.

Courtship was fun. It was ever-so-exciting! Being constantly on cloud 9, wanting arguments to go away as quickly as possible so we could be in each other's loving arms again... Constantly on the look out for new ways to surprise each other, to tell each other how much they are loved... and being ever so diligent to learn about the other. That was courtship for me.

Then came the engagement. Ooohhh what merriment! Big shiny rock to go with it too! =) But somewhere in between saying "Yes, I'll marry you!" and "I do", new arguments broke out. Suddenly how to manage the wedding budget was a source of stress, arguments, and tears. Suddenly how many kids we'd want and when we'd start getting them caused friction. Suddenly the sounds of "How come you don't care about (fill in the blanks)" and "Am I making the right decision to marry him/her" surface. Suddenly cloud 9 didn't seem so appealing anymore.

Then comes "I do". I kid you not when I say the first few years of marriage are tough, painful, and severely testing. It takes every ounce of you to combat house loans, car loans, new job scopes, new responsibilities, being on your own, discovering the beauty and ugliness of one another... the list goes on. I sat naively when ladies who are seasoned married women warned me of the impending "pain". I sat there and I remember thinking, not us la. We'll do just fine!

=) I now laugh at my ignorance.

Being in ANY relationship is tough for that matter. Marriage is just one of the worse I think. But to my dear friends who are unmarried or considering the prospect of marriage. Let me tell you, one cannot know how sweet the sweetest of wines are until one has tasted how bitter it can get. Don't shun the pain, the arguments, and the ugliness of marriage. That's just the reality of any relationship. Because if you try hard enough, hold on to God enough, you'll soon emerge from the bitter ugliness of marriage and taste the sweet beauty of it. A beauty that surpasses every other beauty.

I Look To You

I've been captivated by Whitney Houston's vocals for a long time... It was sad when news hit that she got into all sorts "mess". It was sad because I think deep down inside she was just seeking... lonely... and confused. Like all of us are sometimes. But she chose and detoured. Now it's as though she's gone full circle and she's finally back.

Her latest single - I Look to You was meant to be a worship song. This has been on my playlist for the whole night. Hope this encourages all of us who are lost, searching, tired, lonely, confused, and in between... May we all realise sooner that we are to always look to Him for all that we seek...

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
Im lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
Yeah
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

After losing my breath
There's no more fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you
I look to you
Yeah
And when all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you

(My levee's have broken, my walls have come)
Coming down on me
(Crumbling down on me)
All the rain is falling
(The rain is falling, defeat is calling)
Set me free
(I need you to set me free)

Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me

I look to you
I look to you
After all my strength has gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you
I look to you
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you
Yeah

I look to you
I look to you

Could've been...

What came to mind when naming this post was Mandy Moore's song from A Walk to Remember. =/

I've had this impression for about 2 years now... that one day we'll get to heaven and God would show us the great plan He had for our lives, the unclaimed blessings, the alternate endings. And it is then that we'll realise that we could've been so much more. That's the part in the book of Revelations that talks about great weeping in heaven.

I've ponder a few times on what it would be like if I'd get to heaven one day, happy that I made it... only to be shown what I could've been. Not some bombastic, super-duper evangelist. But if I could've impacted so many more people, if I could've shone His light a little more, if I could've walked in places of faith that have never been visited before, if I could've experienced God so much more, if I could've been more effective hands and feet of God... I can only imagine how I'd respond.

So I leave you, dear reader, with the question... what if you get to heaven and realise you could've been so much more?

What would you do today?

I look at my role as wife, daughter, teacher, friend; and I wonder how many missed opportunities I've had, how many I've walked away from, rationalized away, and totally ignored.

Maybe getting to heaven isn't the whole deal. It's ultimately, living a fulfilled life glorifying God that counts. In the end, God tests our works by fire. How much of what you've done will stand the test?

WOOOO HOOOO!

Results released... we are MASTERS GRADUATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CELEBRATION!!!!!!

I Miss My Sister...

I hugged, kissed, and waved my sister goodbye today. She's currently some 30 thousand feet above sea level on her way to UK. I thought that all the training from sending my students off would help me toughen up for this. But nope... didn't work. I cried the minute I hugged her goodbye, then I cried all the way home, and even now I'm still crying. Gosh I miss my sister! She grew so fast, and now she's off to complete her degree. She'll only be back August 2010. So that's a whole 11 months of not having her around to argue with, scream at (and be screamed back at), to have her drive me around, to hug, to play with, to joke with etc...

I keep telling myself 11 months passes by soo quickly! Before I know it she'll be back. Sigh... easier said than done... I miss you so much Lynn...

By Derick

Here's something from a student of mine. I found this utterly amusing and profound!

Dancing ducks with dental floss,
Desperate dogs with dinosaurs,
Discouraged donkeys with district attorneys.
Such is life and all its mysteries.
- Derick Ong

Oohh the question he was given was "Using your own initial, either first or last, write a short shaped poem."

Gundam 00

I am not a fan of anime, simply put, I do not wait anxiously for new episodes every week, participate in fan forums. In fact my knowledge of anime is... well limited to almost zero. Only ones I've watched were Totoro (does that count?), Princess Mononoke, Ah My Goddess, Gundam 00. My siblings watch them, but I was never really drawn to them. I preferred the ang moh ones. Hehehehe...

But my hubs on the other end, likes anime. A while back he borrowed Gundam 00 season 1 from his sister. For the sake of bonding, I watched. Soon I got hooked on it and I downed Gundam just like I did Grey's Anatomy - one episode after another. Season 1 of Gundam ended very horribly... Almost every character we were made too identify with died. I remember leaving the last episode with a horrid horrid feeling (I get that when good guys don't win), and so I told Justin I never want to watch Gundam anymore!

Here I am, post graduation and Justin borrowed season 2. I didn't watch.. until episode 20. So Justin has been trying to fill me in on the many episodes I missed. Trying to piece things together, I realised something (that Justin later confirmed), there's so so so much philosophy in this anime! So many ideals, so many philosophies... Almost everyone is a purist, almost everyone is driven by some sense of a better future... by hope. Apparently, this is common knowledge to anime lovers: that anime have deep deep meanings behind them. Maybe that's why anime are so monumental.

Ooooo. I really like the ending theme song for Gundam 00 "Trust You". The music caught my ears, then I Googled the lyrics and found that it really made a lot of sense. Here they are:

English Translation
Like flowers dancing in the wind Like rain moistening the earth Although this world thrives on interdependence Why do people hurt each other? Why do we have to part?
Even if you're faraway In the depths of this heart Completely filled with that gentle smile The pieces of you that I held tight Are still connected in spite of pain, so I believe that we'll meet again I'm waiting for your love
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me
Who watched the world end? Who proclaimed the end of the journey? It's a long night, and we cannot see the answers Still I hope you keep to the road you believed in Because at the end, light is waiting.
The song that you taught me Is still, in the deepest reaches of my heart Echoing, along with that gentle voice. Overflowing droplets of feelings Warmly run down my cheeks "Become stronger Believe We're connected" I'm always by your side
I love you I trust you The tears I've shed for you I love you I trust you Have taught me what love is No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side
I love you I trust you Share your loneliness with me I love you I trust you Even in light, even in darkness I love you I trust you Even in sadness, even in happiness I love you I trust you I want to protect everything that's yours
No matter how lost you get I'll be by your side Because we're together we can believe in each other Don't leave me

In need of some F.U.N.!

It's been about 3 weeks since handing up our last assignment for MA. I thought I'd be super free now, but I guess, life is meant to be packed? I shall make the best out of this life then. First thing on the list... Do something FUN!

We never thought work + masters for 3 years will reduce us to strangers to the concept of FUN. Ohhh Fun, how we miss thee... but the saddest thing was, it actually took us a while to think of ONE FUN thing to do... sad I know.

So here's no. 1 on our list (our only item)
1. Go snorkling, probably @ Pulau Perhentian

Suggestions welcomed!! What can we do for FUN???
we've watched 2 movies @ Signatures that was fun while it lasted
we've bought tonnes of DVDs which we also finished... fun while it lasted
what else??? what else???
Ooh Paintball's coming up in October with YA, but I fear I may chicken out following the last round's bruises.

Will you fill me?

Fill in the blanks.

If only I had ___________ I'd be so much happier/content/fulfilled!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

This little question can probably reveal a few basic insights into your life.
1. Whether or not you are generally content with your life.
2. Which one of your basic needs is not met.
3. What you are yearning/pining for.
4. Why you are currently unhappy/discontent with your life.

It is said that the general population is discontent with life and is to a certain extent unhappy with how life currently is. This discontent may work in many miraculous ways which we label as 'motivation'. I shall not dwell on that today. But I would like to pose another question...

I feel happy when I __________.

This question then gives us insight into where you'd normally get your fill.

We are hedonistic. We pursue the greatest amounts of pleasure while trying to avoid the slightest amount of pain. Almost everything we do is just that. So when we are discontent and unhappy with our life, we naturally seek out areas where we'd get our fill, things, people, places that would give us most pleasure and take away the pain. For some, it is in studying, for some, working, for others relationships, for others a bottle of whiskey, and the list goes on.

These 2 questions caught me today. Made me look long and hard on what I was missing and what I was filling up my life with. Would you take time out to ponder?

Mourning into Dancing

Mourning last for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!!!

I just completed my thesis defense. The only word I can use to describe it is GRACE... no two words, ABUNDANT GRACE... Justin prayed for me this morning and he asked God to go before me like He always has... I admit I did not feel the least bit victorious... Not at all until the defense was done. God works in marvelous ways... He is ever present even when His presence is not known or acknowledged by us...

I want to thank everyone for praying for me. Before walking into the defense hall, I remembered the prayers and the faces of those who were so concerned. Thank you my darling husband, thank you my ever-so-sweet students, thank you mom, lynn, and dad, thank you Adelene for calling to check on me and to pray!!

Lastly, God, You are amazing... Even when I fail to acknowledge and run to You, You are still there, still patient, still loving, still true... Thank You... Thank You for the break, thank You for victory. =) Now, bring on the uprooting!

P.s. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for thesis and internship results... Will post here when I find out whether I'll be once again be putting on a graduation gown =D Anyone wanna come for our graduation? Hehehehehe

Season of Uprooting

I finally found the right phrase to describe this season in my life... A season of uprooting... I had previously thought that I understood what uprooting felt like... But nothing could prepare me for this season...

My former student pointed out a week ago... that 2009 was a tough year for me, and he followed up by asking how I was doing. It stunned me. Since October 2008... I hadn't allowed myself to feel and to reflect. Not deep enough that is.

October 2008 my precious dog Summer got sick. Lots of prayers and wresting with faith and doubt later, she passed away on 24th November 2008. She left a void in the hearts of my family members. We never talked much about it... cause that's just how my family works. Mourning can only last for a short time, then it's moving on to the next thing that needs to be done.

December 2008 was tough because this would be the first Christmas we celebrated without Mer... Still none of us really talked about it and I just carried on with life, shedding a tear or two when I would still imagine her in sleeping in her pail or waiting at the door when we would come home, regardless of how many times we went in and out those doors.

January 2009 was a fresh start... mentally I had psyched myself for a fresh new page. But counseling was taking a toll on me... seeing clients, doing reports, and seeing that graduation was no where in sight yet... still life was bearable.

March 2009, I got a scare when I started having the hunch that I was pregnant.. but it was too soon to check, so I waited.. for 3 weeks (agonizing actually) before the ClearBlue test stick showed a plus sign...

1 April 2009, it's confirmed, we were pregnant! But it was April fools so it was hard convincing people that it was real... I told God thank You. Because I felt that this was my break... the family's break!! Good days ahead man!!

May 2009, I looked forward to the doctor visits where I would get to stare at the ultrasound, proud and triumphant! But this didn't last very long... 20th May, on our 11th week visit, baby had no more heart beat. Still the thought and realization never really sank in... until 22nd May when we went for the D&C. Before the D&C I started spotting... and then it hit me... wow, my body is finally ready to let my baby go... and then it hit me hard... I've really lost my baby... my hopes, my dreams.. my desires... gone.

August 2009, was thesis due date month. After a long break I kicked up my heels and started polishing up my thesis. I finished it a good 4 days before due date. Was very proud of myself and again I thought Ok God, this is my break!! Woo hooo Life is going to get better now... 20th August, I got a phone call from my thesis supervisor saying that I had submitted an incomplete thesis.. I cannot begin to explain what I felt, a while later it hit me, I think I had submitted the wrong copy... After checking through, it was true... I made an extremely stupid, idiotic, and primitive mistake. All that went through my mind was that I was going to fail, I wish I could just die (literally) and I never make mistakes like that!

Tomorrow I face the panel who will mark my thesis. I do not know anymore what to expect. Prior to this, I could guess and plan for my future. Simple plans, nothing mega huge... Nothing hard, simple stuff.

Today, I no longer know what lies ahead, and it scares me very much.

We went for a checkup with the gynae on Monday, and she gave us the green light to try conceiving again. I thought I would be thrilled, but what greeted me was fear.

One of my favorite messages I used to tell my students was - dream big!! Now, I can't help but feel I dare not. I dare not look to the future and dream, hope, and plan.

Season of uprooting... I don't know how long more this is going to last... or how much more of this I can take. But somewhere deep down inside... I remember Ezekiel... The Lord will make the tall tree go short and the short tree grow tall.... He will make the green tree dry up and the dried tree flourish... then all the trees of the field will know that He alone is Lord. And I also remember that His grace is still exceeding, abundant, above and beyond everything I dare dream...

Oh Lord... May You come and come quickly... Give me hope and help me dream again... My soul thirsts for You...

There goes another one...

About 8 months ago I wrote a post... fly birdie fly... Tonight I shall write another one...

I thought it would get easier... the whole 'watching them grow up and leave the nest' experience. But tonight proved me wrong. Phoebe spread her wings and flew off to US tonight. At a tender age of 15, she's off to battle the world of American high schools, super cold weather and living in a basement.

There's something special about Phoebe... something that made it so so so hard to restraint myself from chaining her to me and saying "No, you are not leaving!!!". *sigh* The hardest part of doing the work I do is the relationship part. Everyone of them make at least one difference in my life. Tonight, I had to hold back and choke on my tears because yet another precious one has left the nest. Deep down I want so much for them to just stay where they are... But they have a whole life waiting for them! So many journeys God would like to take with them! So many more places to go and lives to impact! I know my students (each and every one of them) are life-changers!

Oh Lord, grant me the ability to stay above my emotions... Sigh... I don't know why I'm feeling these much emotions... I think I'm PMS-ing...

Safe flight Phoebe.

Beautifully Imperfect

Disneyland messed us all up I'd say. Before Disneyland, there was no "Happily Ever After" delusion, there was just the reality of marriage.

I would like to blog about the reality of marriage today. As a little girl, finding a prince to marry, having little children, staying at home and being a content and happy housewife was my goal. Despite of the many arguments between spouses I've witness in TV and real life, "Happily Ever After" was a reality to me.

At age 20 I met a peculiar spike-haired-blur-looking-but-very-attractive thin Chinese boy. At age 22, I started dating him, that same peculiar but now skin-headed-blur-looking-but-very-attractive slightly chubbier Chinese boy. At age 23, I was engaged to him. At age 24, I married him.

Soon after, I realised what my mom and mother-in-law said to be true - the first few years of marriage are immensely hard. In fact, my mother-in-law said "Aiyooo those were the worst worst years!". I smile now as I look back at all the arguments we had. First one was during our honeymoon over a petty petty issue.

Next Saturday, I would be married to this still-peculiar-but-very-very-attractive Chinse man for 1 year and 8 months. In another 4 months, it would be 2 years. In the course of this one year and 8 months, I've discovered more and more of his imperfections, big and small; just as he has discovered more and more of mine. We've fought, slammed doors, yelled, threw things, cried (lots of drama ya? =D ). And at times, these imperfections seem oh so annoying, not to mention irritating, frustrating and the list goes on.

But that is the reality of a marriage. Two distinctly different individuals coming together. Two strong wills becoming one. I had to learn the hard way that you don't become one just by saying some vows and consummating the marriage. Becoming one takes tonnes of hard work. Hard work that sometimes other married couples keep a tight lid on. I used to think, if only I knew how hard this was *insert host of complaints here*. So people don't generally like to talk about difficulties in marriage.

While I am not on a rampage of telling everyone with access to this blog space our deepest, darkest secrets. I will say this: Marriage is hard. Staying married is even harder. Staying in love adn glorifying God in the marriage is the hardest. But, I promise you, just like all those before me have promised me, that if you work at it, and let God be the focus and center of your marriage, it will yield 100 fold 1000 fold blessings, joy, satisfaction, and love that words cannot even begin to describe!

Day by day, we're learning that our oh-so-annoying imperfections are the things that make us, beautifully imperfect! And that these beautiful imperfections are what makes our marriage and us so perfect for each other.

Here's a tribute to my beautifully imperfect peculiar-blur-looking-exceedingly-attractive Chinese man. I love you with all my heart.

P/s. Please watch this video. Very impactful.

The Fear of Brokenness

Here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness - Kari Jobe "Beautiful"

Darlene Zschech once said that she constantly asks that her heart be broken everyday, so she'd never lose her tenderness and pliability.

To me the word broken meant a big no-no. I do not like nor wish to ever be broken. Being broken is synonymous to pain and suffering - something I spend most of my days trying to avoid. But living in a broken and fallen world means brokenness is inevitable. So futile were my efforts to avoid all pain.

Realised something interesting the other day when I reflected upon suffering and surviving. There's something different about being held in the hands of God and brokenness. Kari Jobe expressed it really well - here in Your presence, I'm not afraid of brokenness. (Thank you Bex for recommending this song). It is in the times where I am away from the Protector that I begin to fear brokenness. Conversely, it is in the times when I stay put in His presence, where brokenness becomes sustainable and even desirable. Afterall, He is love, and how broken can you get when you're surrounded, filled, and held in love? Simple enough yet so so hard to constantly remember this.

How often do I allow situations to shape my faith, rather than letting my faith shape situations. Justin reminded me this today: "we don't believe in God because circumstances are favorable to us, we believe in God because of who He is." Amen.

You are For Me

First heard this song in Hillsong Conference '09. The lyrics of this song swept me off my feet. It felt so personal, so gentle.... I really think this is a beautiful song we girls should learn to sing more. In our quest for self-acceptance and self-love, we often forget that "it is He who first loved us" makes all the difference. Because of who He is and His love for us, we can then love ourselves. When the Creator and King of kings is for us, how can we not find ourselves beautiful, significant, precious, and beloved? This song is for every girl who has gone down the path of self-doubt. Remember who He is and that He has chosen you to be His beloved.

You are for me - Kari Jobe



So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that You have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi...

Back from the land down under. Conference was great. But if I could summarize the trip in two words..: Rushed and Cold...

I forgot how biting Aussie weather is... =( And honestly, I was underpacked. But all in all, it was a good trip. Especially back to Adelaide - We plan to visit again =D

So many things to write about. Shall do it when I have the time. =D

Your Name...

Ever since the start of Masters, I've gradually witness my strength, vigor, and life itself go down the drain. The strain of juggling a full time job, masters, church ministries, wedding prep, marriage, and other life changes all at once took a toll on me, but still I was constantly on the move, looking to the next thing to do and to do it to the best of my abilities.

Then the pregnancy happened, and it was a bout of new hope. Something fresh in my life, like a nice reward after a long season of hardwork and stress. Days after that were tough, and finally the miscarriage happened. For once in my life, I stopped. It was as though my life stopped, even though in reality I knew the world was still spinning on its axis, time was still flying, life was still changing. But for me, life stopped. I stopped.

Soon after, I looked around and people were watching to see how I was coping, some looked with criticisms, some looked with concern, some looked with confusion. And I got up and did what I knew to do - the next thing and do it well.

Somehow I still felt... and still am feeling... empty. I thought that it was the spot baby once occupied. But the sting felt really bad. I've never felt so empty, never felt so dissatisfied, never felt this... weak. I still break down and cry at the littlest things, and juggling work, masters, marriage, and ministry has become tonnes harder than it used to be.

My students have noticed that I've been moodier, my husband has noticed that I pick fights more, and the intensity of our arguments have increased.

Last week I broke down in a pool of tears, at first it was the memory of the ultrasound that brought the tears, then it went deeper... I just felt so alone and so lost. No amount of tears could ease the pain, nothing would make it go away.

I held on to God all this time. I prayed, I cried out to Him, in my desperation I did all I knew how to do. Still nothing.

Last Sunday during worship, we sang Paul Baloche's Your Name. It said, "Your name, is a strong and mighty tower, Your name is a shelter like no other... cause nothing has the power to save but Your name. Then I saw myself desperately holding on to a strong and mighty tower, as though I was holding on to dear life. Then a voice asked why I was holding on to the tower and not going in to the tower. So, maybe I've been holding on to head knowledge of my God instead of experiencing Him. Maybe that's why I haven't been hearing Him, because I've been outside the tower. I asked Him how do I get into the tower... I had no clue how, and I left it as that.

Tonight, another argument broke loose. I don't know who started it, but I know I fueled it. Now I sit reflecting, and I see my ugliness in every corner. How could a person who declared God's grace turn into something so ugly? As this song played on a loop, I got my answer, I had to first let go of my tower before I could enter into it. I had to let go of my hopes, let go of my fears, let go of my own resolve, let go or my own solutions, let go of my head knowledge, let go of everything that defined me. Total trust and total obedience was required of me.

I've heard of total trust and total obedience before... But when I actually stood at the door and read the prerequisites - trust and obedience, fear gripped. Letting go of all these meant letting go of me, letting go of everything I know, letting go of my status quo.

But still He gently beckonds... My name is a strong and mighty tower, My name is a shelter like no other, nothing has the power to save but My name...


Nothing has the power to save but Your name.
I don't have the power to save.

The Dreaded Thesis...

So, internship is over... finally! One last hurdle to go - thesis & defense. I still don't understand what a Masters in Counseling will require a research thesis! But complaining won't do me any good...

One more mountain to conquer and then I'm finish! Shall keep phD far away from my mind for a few years.

The thing with psychological research is... it's not my strength! I absolutely dread research... and worst thing is the defense! A panel of professors and experts in the field scrutinizing your every hypothesis, research design, results reporting, etc...

Oh Lord... this seems to be an insurmountable task! Lord help...... =(

Of Crashing Lap Tops

Sigh....... I got the blue screen of death 2 weeks back. Managed to salvage the most important files before having it reformatted. Since then, I've more of less restored it to it's functioning state, but I've been having problems installing Kaspersky (original version ok!). And today, it hung... TWICE!! same symptoms as before... diagonal and horizontal lines all over my display!

GRrrrrr... This is causing me much distress as I've been working on my thesis and I have to literally hit Ctrl + S after every sentence!!!! Once I forgot and I lost one whole paragraph! Need to work on buying a new one when we get back from Aussie.. Oh Lord, I need the money to buy another one... or fix this one... please? =D

I really am distressed.... Talk about feeling insecure now... I'm typing this post with anxiousness.. Don't know if it will hang again... =.=

A Well Needed Break

God is amazing! We survived internship! 200 hours of personal counseling, 50 hours of group counseling plus course work and all! Now it's just the matter of completing thesis and hooray!

I tell my students to take breaks. Small breaks are effective in so many ways. We're getting a break this weekend. Got tickets to watch Transformers. This will be the first time we've step foot into a cinema in 2009... So sad I know! But it's OK! Soon thesis will be completed, and we'll be masters graduates =D

Thank God for breaks and thank God for providence!

Of Changeling and Endings

I had a well deserved break this evening. Managed to cuddle up with Justin to watch a movie - Changeling. I don't know if I would recommend this movie to anyone... Because it didn't really have a happy ending. For me, when I watch a movie, the most important thing is the ending. Which is why even if the show is the most boring one on earth, I'll have to stick to the end to see what the "ending" is all about.

This movie, based on a true story, showed how determined a mother can be. Despite having all odds against her, she stuck through till the day she died.

If you've watched the movie, what I'm going to say should make more sense. At the end of the movie we both had one question "How can God watch all this and not inflict these monsters with fury from hell?" In the end Justin got an answer: He is God... and He knows their ending. God knows exactly how we're going to end our lives if we continue on our paths or shift paths midway.

Which brings me to the subject of 'endings'. Many times we do things without the "ending" in mind. Usually for younger people like myself (hehehe), youths, and children. The concept of "ending" seems hard to grasp. During childhood, we're roaming free, with subjective concepts being hard to grasp. Then at the age of 10 or so, we start looking up to teenagers, the supposed "cool" people, we aspire to one day "grow up" and for our lives to "start". Few short years later, we become teenagers, thinking that our life has begun when in actual fact it began the day you were conceived. So we go about fantasizing how life would be perfect if we didn't have parents nagging, didn't have rules to follow, and we were "grown up". Another few short years later, we become adults and we believe that by some stroke of magic when we turn 21, LIFE as we've planned and fantasized would finally start.... Only to be greeted by the harsh realities of life... that life isn't all that. Extra freedom = extra responsibilities. Extra money = extra bills. Extra room to make choices = extra room to fail miserably.

We wait our entire life for Life to start, only to find out (I hope sooner than later) that life is what we have now. Not in the past, not in the future.

I need to start living every "now" with the "ending" in mind. Because I never know when I'll reach the end. I don't want to be caught off guard and have to beg for mercy, for another day, another second, another chance.

Life is build upon every moment of "now" that we have. Choose your now's cautiously, for you never know when you'll run out of them. Every beginning has an end, do you know when your's will be?

Surfing the waves

Recently read a devotional article where the author presented both sides of stormy seas. In a nut shell, you could either surf on it, or try to swim your way outta if which may eventually land you exhausted and you may just drown.

When the miscarriage (yes, still talking about it, cause there's so much to say!!) happened, we never asked why us. The question somehow was redundant. But people around us did. One dear dear friend asked, "but you're so close to God, how can He let this happen to you?". I answered, why not me? I'm not that all special also. *Stunned* God didn't promise me sunshine, He said rain will fall on EVERYONE (close to Him or not). God didn't promise me a trouble-free life, He promised me a good life. And as we know life in itself spells trouble. He didn't promise me smooth sailing rides and easy-to-walk roads, in fact the way to heaven is long, winding, and narrow.

So where did the misunderstanding come about? When do we, Christians, start thinking that now that we have God, everything will be perfect?

Please read on.

What God did promise is that He will hold me up so that my foot will not hit the ground. He said that He knows the plans He has for me, which are good plans to prosper and to give me a good life. He said that all who are weary and heavy laden can come to Him and they will find rest. He said that we can hide in the shadow of His wings. He said that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will be found. And the list goes on!

I found the answer in the lyrics of the song Held by Natalie Grant. "The promise was that when everything fell, we'd be held." Such was the promise, that the God that we know, love, and serve has us in the palm of His Mighty hand. That come what may, He will have us held.

Because He is God, because He is the heavenly Father, because He is the creator of the universe, and because He is Almighty, we found that we could trust in Him, and to ultimately say that being held in the hands of God is more than enough. In fact it's the best place to be.

People grieve because they remember what they've lost. I had to rework my life to say goodbye to the plans and memories, to the could haves. I went about telling Justin, we would've made wonderful parents. All the shoulds, woulds, coulds have a way of making the grieve heavier. When we were done looking at things we've lost (actually it was me, Justin pretty much saw this earlier than I did), I turned to the only person I could - Jesus. And the peace came - not as a feeling - but as a new sense of understanding that we have indeed been held in His hands and we were surfing this big wave.

Before this, I only imagined what my faith would be like if a terrible thing would've happen to me. But it was interesting that when it happened, as sad, grieved, and teary as I was, I not only survived, I thrived. I could still find the joy in me, I could still run to God, I could still comfort others who were feeling for us. That is what being held in the hands of God is. That when you need Him the most, you WILL find Him. Sometimes not in the way we wish, but in the way He knows we need. He held me in one piece. I feel like I've been through fire and survived! XD

This feeling is exhilarating!

Everything we have are gifts from God. Car, house, family, job, children, even our lives are gifts from Him. He is the giver, He has the right to decide to whom He would like to give , and from whom He would like to withold. But many times we kick, scream, and throw a fit when we don't get what we ask for or what we want.

The fact is that God has already given us everything we need - Salvation. This period, my definition of the cross was reworked - the cross used to be a place where my sins were forgiven, now it is a place where hope was born, refuge was granted, and a good and prosperous future was promised. Because of the cross, we have hope for an eternal life where we will see our baby again and the pains of this world will end. Because of the cross we can continually and forever find rest in the shadow of His wings. Because of the cross we can be sure that He has already walked the path ahead of us and is gently guiding us to where He wants us to be - don't worry, the journey may seem unpleasant at times, but when we get there, Woo hooo.

We do want to try for another child when the time is right. We can choose to come together, but it is God who will decide to give or not to. If He decides to, HOORAY! But if not, it's really ok cause He is all we need.

I could write a book!

The title was what I exclaimed to my counseling supervisor/mentor/lecturer when he called to see how we were doing. I've learned so much through this episode. A serious amount in fact. One coping method was to psycho-analyze people who talked/sms/emailed me regarding the issue. My "findings" were interesting. Helped me understand humans a bit more and I think it really added depth to my counseling skills. "If I were to write a book" I told my supervisor, "I'd write about Things not to say to a grieving person". But that's a road I may or may not go down.

It is not easy. And the worst thing I had to endure in these 2 weeks were things people said or implied. Some go as far as to implying that I must have done something wrong. Thank God that by His grace, I've not reached out my hand or lashed my tongue. It is really hillarious how people can insinuate that I, the person who wanted this baby the most, could've intentionally done something to jeapardise my baby's health by either: not eating right, not sleeping enough, not taking care of myself, etc. The more I think about this the more fumed I get. The funniest remark I've gotten, attributed the miscarriage to me announcing my pregnancy "prematurely". Interesting. To that comment, I went beyond mad... I actually felt that it was hillariously dumb. Sigh... mind my language. But yes, this is what I've had to endure with. Deep down inside, I know which ones genuinely care for me, and which ones are just using me to fulfill their need for control/power/superiority. What I've had to utter in my heart has been "God they don't understand, help me to see that, help me to forgive." See why I told you I can write a book? =)

Sigh... I am actually OK. I've let go. It's really like having to rework major parts of my life. Since I found out I was pregnant, I started making emotional and physical plans on how our lives would change with baby around. Went and window shopped for a whole list of things we will need for the baby (that's how I prep a budget to work with, by first doing research). So we had already worked out many things actually. What was left was for nature to do her job - for the baby to grow and to watch my tummy grow with it as he/she made space in my snug uterus. I envisioned us taking the kid on picnics, swimming across our house, cycling around my housing area, and so much more.

I am a very sentimental person. So once a vision/dream/memory is formed, it more or less becomes part of me. And for me, grieving required revisiting and saying goodbye to every one of those visions/dreams/memories. When my dog Summer passed away last year, I did just that, I went to every nook and cranny in which I had memories of her in, and I had to literally (either out loud or in my heart) say goodbye baby girl. It is the same with my unborn child. The toughest blow was on Friday 22nd May 2009 when I started bleeding. To me, this was it, my body was finally letting the baby go. And I had to let him/her go in my heart, head, and spirit. So I sat in the toilet in SDMC, said a little prayer and said goodbye. That was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to utter. After that, it was a D&C, and I was no longer pregnant.

Days after that revolved around saying my goodbyes. Thank God we hadn't actually bought many things. Those things were kept by Justin... hidden somewhere till we get pregnant again. Then came the visions/dreams. But the trick with these is that I don't remember all of them at once! So on and off when something pops up, I have to take a moment to revisit and say goodbye.

So today marked the 2nd week since the D&C. I was telling Justin last night today would be the 2nd week I've stopped being pregnant, and the 5th week since baby went to be with the Lord. Does it still hurt? Yes. Is it any easier? Yes.

I've learned so much about faith and letting go. Faith really requires that we believe without a doubt that God is God and He knows what He is doing. Because He knows what He is doing and He is God, I can rest and rely on Him. As Justin mentioned in His blog, our baby is now being raised by the coolest super-dad Jesus Himself. That's a great privilege. I know I'll see my baby again.. till then, I have to say goodbye.

If you're still worried about us, it's ok. We're doing well. If you absolutely don't know what to say to us, it's perfectly OK! We don't even know what to say to ourselves! =D A prayer and a hug would be more than enough.

So, to all our friends and family who cried with us, prayed for us, and worried sick for us, THANK YOU! We know your prayers helped us more than we realize. God bless you all.

How I'm doing...

I think Mercy Me's song homesick says it all.

Homesick - Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Making sense of it all...

This is a modified excerpt of a message I left one of my former students who was concerned about how we were doing... I'm sure he and many others out there are equally concerned about us... I know some are afraid to ask in fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting us... others are just lost for words... So I thought I'd just let you know how we've been doing 24 hours since the news. It's not easy... and it's going to be a long journey... But that journey has to start somewhere. Better sooner than later.

There no easy way to deal with these parts of life... No one teaches you how to feel, how to react, what to say, and what to think... One moment you're planning a life with this person, and the next he/she's just gone. The word unexpected just doesn't seem to be adequate in this situation.

We did everything right. I ate right, slept early, didn't carry anything heavy, didn't run, didn't jump, went for my regular checkups, stayed away from second hand smoke, took no tinge of alcohol, took my folic acid pills daily, prayed for baby almost everyday... I did all I could to ensure his/her safety. But sometimes, there are things we just cannot control...

So many parts of my heart are aching and I never knew I had these many tears to cry. I know it's the same for Justin... We're both dealing with it in our own ways. But the impact is equal for the both of us as for our families and close friends.

But one thing remains, God is still good. He is so very good. We may not understand why He has to take baby away. Neither do we like it. But He sees things we can't... He knows things we don't... So in times like these... the only way we can survive is to believe and trust in faith that He is God, and He knows what He's doing... There was a reason why He had to take baby home... I will know why when I get home someday.

As for now, we praise God that baby is in heaven, and is spared the many sufferings that this world brings. Right now he/she is safe in the arms of Jesus, playing with the many children there and even with Justin's and my grandpa. Oh how blessed the child is to be born into a world with no tears, no suffering, no pain, only love... tremendous love. I will see my baby when I get to heaven. Although we're not physically parents on this earth... but spiritually we already are...

So does my heart still ache? Yes it does. I'm still tearing at every thought of the baby and what could've been. I am only human... But each time I think of who God is, it hurts less and the pain becomes more bearable. So the song was right... turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim...

Our lives were meant to be living testimonies. This is the testimony of my baby's life.

God is still God, and He is still Good!

We just received shocking and numbing news... We lost our baby.

Ultrasound scan today showed a 8 week and 1 day old embryo only... when I am supposed to be 11 weeks... No heartbeat was detected... As such, it was concluded that we lost our baby 3 weeks ago.

We really can't begin to express what we're feeling.. mainly because we don't know what we're feeling yet...

But one thing is for sure... God is still God, and He is still Good. We don't know why this happened to us... neither can we guess... But God is in control. Always has always will be...

But thanks for your prayers and support throughout these 11 weeks... I can only thank God that our baby is now safe in the arms of Jesus, in Heaven where he/she belongs... free from suffering. To God be the glory, forever and ever... Amen

God's Providence

I'm pretty sure there are some people who wonder how Justin and I survive. Mainly pertaining to the financial part. We both don't make substantial amounts of money. Neither are we from rich backgrounds.

I shall reveal our secret today. But let me warn you, you may not like nor believe our secret. You've been warned. =)

I believe that the reason we are doing more than surviving is because of "heritage". Not so much financial heritages or inheritances, but spiritual and practical heritages. Growing up, our parents instilled tonnes of great wisdom and truths that we've seen and realised to be tremendously true and beneficial. Below are these truths/wisdom:

• 10% of all you earn goes back to God. (aka tithes). This is the first, most important and a no-no to touch. We believe that every cent we make ultimately belongs to God, we are merely stewards (you can debate on this with me another time). That said, in actual fact, 100% of everything we have belongs to Him, but to train us, God requires only 10%.

• Give to building/missions pledges. Inline with the above, we see providence as chances to bless others. So while we may not be out in the missions field, the very least we can do is to give. How much to do that... many people have many different ideas and rationalizations. But what has worked for us: we pray about it, and most times, we are challenged with an amount. Then we obey and tell God that we don't know where the money will come from, but we want to give ____ amount to you. And every single time, there is always just enough money to fulfill our pledges.

• 20% of all our paychecks go to the bank to remain untouched.

• Bless others. My parents have never let finances stand in between them giving to and blessing others. This spirit of generosity is something we work to instill in our marriage.

• Trust God for and in everything. That means sometimes trading our human understanding for heavenward understanding, learning to see God in everything, and not questioning Him.
  

So there you have it. 5 simple guidelines we abide to. We've been married since Dec 2007. We own a house, a car, and a baby is coming along the way. Still our trust remains in the Lord - the Maker of everything. =)

To God be the Glory. All Glory!

Something nice

I think I watched Wedding Singer. I think...

But here's something I found on Youtube. Really nice... Guys, really... try to be romantic lah... like this guy... I know it's Hollywood and all but... oh well...

Enjoy...

At the Cross

Once again, I'm draw back to the Cross. Where it all begun.

Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x2)

And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?(x2)

You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x4)

It was Him, it is Him, and it shall always be Him. Not husband, not child, not family, not friends, not money, not career, not a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction... but Him. It is He that is constantly with me, it is He that constantly loves me, it is He who wants me to be nothing but myself, it is He who I will see face to face when the earth fades and falls from my eyes. Not husband nor child, not family nor friends, not money nor career, not a sense of fulfillment nor satisfaction.

This fact helps me live on longer, fight harder, cry lesser, rejoice more. Knowing that the only person capable of being here for me from beginning to end, is the only one who will constantly, continually, never ceasingly, always always love me for me. That is the Cross for me. That He saw me first, chose me first, loved me first. Such is the GREATNESS and LOVE of our FATHER, our GOD and KING.

Updates on me

Feeling great this week! After the horrid fever on Sunday and Monday, I've recovered, and had a pleasant pleasant surprise! I've not been feeling nausea or gastritis!!! HOORAY!! All I can say is, THANK YOU GOD! and I never knew feeling normal was soo WONDERFUL!!!!

Interesting thing popped up yesterday evening, I've been feeling pains in my tail bone area, mainly pain in the bones... Interesting. Did some reading and it could be because of the enlargements that have to take place in the pelvic area to make room for baby =D

Watching and experiencing my body grow is so exciting!! So much needs to be done, so many adjustments - and it all happens naturally and automatically! What a great, great Creator our God is!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

HELLO READERS!!!

I am perky and chirpy!!! Yes I am!!! Got a fever on Sunday, which lead me on a horrid horrid Monday quarantine at home! But as of last night, I've felt something I've not felt in a while: I felt NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes NORMAL!!

I told Aunty Noreen, that I never knew feeling normal was soooooo WONDERFUL!!!! No nausea, no fever, no headaches, no sore throat, no bloatedness, no gastric, NOTHING. I FELT NORMAL!!!!! Thank You God for creating normal!!!!! I felt so energetic that I actually dragged Justin along for some minor grocery shopping and a walk around the housing estate!!! I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!!

But that was yesterday, this morning I woke up feeling really good as well. But now, my abdomen's feeling rather tender, bloaty, and sore. Wonder if it's because the pants I'm wearing is a little fitting. =/

But I'm still rejoicing!!!! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for NORMAL!!! I simply CANNOT wait until the second trimester arrives!!! I have lots of shopping to do. =D Muahahahahaha.

And I also want to take this opportunity to thank my darling darling husband *clap clap clap* and family *clap clap clap*. Justin was waiting on me hand and foot, taking care of my every need when I was under the weather. My family has been very supportive, especially mom and lynn. =D I love you guys very very very very extra much!!! MUAhahahahah. Gosh, I'm so happy I feel like dancing!!!! XD

Feeling Bloated!

This week, our bub turns 9 weeks old! *clap clap clap* Lots of progress for the little bub. As of 2 weeks ago, I've been experiencing morning sickness. No actual vomiting, but feeling nausea and sick the whole morning till late afternoon isn't fun at all. Thank God, there is a remedy... never, NEVER let the tummy go hungry.. NEVER! Once it's empty, that's it.... acid builds up, and I get horrid gastritis and nausea. So for that to work, I have to constantly shove food into my mouth... Not a very pretty sight. One of my students Brandon always manages to catch me when I'm shoving food in...

Other than that, there is also a no-no when it comes to stuffing the tummy. Eat just enough to have it 80% full, but NEVER 100% or more, as that will cause more discomfort. Which is what I am currently feeling. Ate dinner at my mother's tonight, and the taste of home-cooked food from mom was so enticing to the taste buds. I thought I ate just the right amount, but I got tempted when she brought out Japanese pears and seedless oranges... Alas.... I had one too many and now I'm paying the price.

But all in all, I really would like to highlight how GREAT God has been! The morning sickness could've very well been much worse! In all of this, I thank God for a WONDERFUL husband who has been waiting on me hand and foot... I know it's not easy... Honey, I love you very very very much! And what is very assuring is that I know at this very second, my Creator is with our child, shaping and forming him/her, right now, their spirits may be linked already! Just that thought is so reassuring because I know he/she is in the best possible hands!


I'm looking forward to the next time I get to see our bub: on 20th May. by that time he/she should be about 11 weeks. =D Exciting!!!!!!!

Aloneness vs Loneliness

Aloneness
adj.

1. Being apart from others; solitary.

Loneliness
adj.

1. Without companions; lone.

Aloneness vs, Loneliness. We've all been there at one point or another. Alot of times aloneness is really welcomed, but not so much with loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling that no one is covering your back, it's the feeling that you have to constantly be on your guard in case something goes wrong. It's the feeling that you have to run for shelther under a rock or a tree when a storm arrives, it's the feeling of lots of helplessness and hopelessness. It's just the feeling that you have no one and belong no where.

I feel that many times. I used to think that after I find my soulmate, I'll be fine. After I get married I'll cease to be lonely. Wrong. Very wrong.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's my pregger's hormones going haywire. But I just feel so.... lonely.

You know better than I

A while ago, Mishie sent me a soundtrack from the animation King of Dreams - You know better than I. It has touched me in so many ways.

Today again, I am reminded that He knows so so so much better than I. No shame in it, because it once again gave me rest and relief. To know that I may screw up big time, but He knows better than I, and is better than I. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be His.

Are you sinless?

A day Christ suffered and died for sins He never committed. The word suffered is such a common word. We say, I'm suffering from a flu, I'm suffering a back pain, I'm suffering from constipation.

The true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ, NO man can comprehend. We cannot reenact the crucifixion, neither can we try to understand what it must have took for Christ to suffer the weight of obedience even till death. It was not the mere physical torture inflicted upon a human body - Many devotees practice self-mutilation by reenacting the crucifixion scene for various reasons. But it was not the mere physical torture that caused Christ's heart to be heavy even till death. It was the weight of the sins of EVERY single human being who had, was, and would ever walk the earth. It was the weight of the sins of such a infinite number of people. It was the guilt, sin, shame, abandonment, loneliness, and ugliness of human nature ever since the fall of Adam until the destruction of the earth.

Yet when we gaze upon the cross, we have such little understanding of the true magnitude of the sufferings of Christ. We mock the cross in so many ways.

We hardly dwell upon the weight of the cross. We hardly feel or recognize that Christ died for the sins we've done, are doing, and WILL continue to do. We do not feel that we need deliverance, salvation, and forgiveness. We do not recognize that we are sinners.

God came for the sinners, not the righteous. It is the sick who need a doctor, not the healthy. Is there a healthy person? Is there a righteous person? By what measure do we determine a righteous or unrighteous person? By what merit system can one obtain righteousness? By what deeds can one lesson the guilt of sin? By what means can one be sinless? Is there any sinless person upon the face of this earth? Is there anyone who has NEVER sinned in their lives? Never told a lie? Never stole anything? Never thought a dirty lustful thought? Never wished another person dead? Have you never sinned?

How then can we assume we are without fault? without sin? without the NEED to be redeemed, forgiven, saved?

This Good Friday, I realized that to begin to understand the sacrifice of Christ, the passion of Christ, the love of Christ, the sufferings of Christ, prerequisites the understanding of how much a sinner you are, the ugliness of your life, and how helpless and incapable you are to save your own soul.

Without the knowledge of how much a sinner you are, you simply cannot see Christ, you cannot understand. You will not understand.

It is by His sheer mercy and grace that you realize how much you need God today. And realize that He is the ONLY Way, the ONLY Truth, and the ONLY Life.

Let's stop playing games, let us look at ourselves for what we're truly worth today. Let us see pass our own defense mechanisms, let us look into the depths of our souls and see ourselves for what and who we are. Then maybe we'll begin to understand the sufferings of Christ.

In HIM, all things hold together

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together - Colossians 1:17 NIV

Visit: .:Baby Steps:.

Before we got married, things on the discussion list included 'having children'. I was very vocal about wanting to have kids - 2 in fact. And my then, dear hubby-to-be, often replied with a nice obliging smile. We'd talk about how we'd raise our kids, what values we'd like to instill, how we'd teach him/her to put God first, to love God, and to serve Him.

But the general understanding was that there was to be a 2 years gap before the baby for us to get used to each other, build a strong foundation for our family, and enjoy each others' company. However, somewhere between the engagement period and 2-3 months after we got married, a miscommunication came about: on my side of the fence, the 2 years meant, baby would be born somewhere nearing our 2 years of marriage; for Justin, it meant baby "production" would start after 2 years of marriage. Long story short, we discussed and decided that we'd start baby production this July after coming back from Aussie. That time, masters would be done, we'd just returned from a wonderful holiday, so our bodies and minds would've been seemingly relaxed and ready for baby production! What a beautiful and perfect plan right?

So ever since we got married, we've been very careful. Diligently counting fertile dates, and staying away from them. It has worked marvelously! Kudos kudos to us! But last month, my cycle decided to go haywire, and ovulation came MUCH earlier. That was it. 2 weeks down, I felt weird.... somehow felt that I was pregnant. Of course to my logic-driven hubby, it was just me being paranoid. So we bought a pregnancy testing kit (PTK) and it came out negative. Justin had a smug victorious face, kinda like... "phew, that was close!". While I was more disapointed than happy. So life went on as usual, until 3 weeks after that when my period didn't come and I really started feeling weird. So I bought 2 tests. Last Saturday (28/2/09) night after dinner, I took the test, peed into a cup, and dipped it in. I watched as the PTK soaked up the urine, and went through the test region, all I saw was watermarks, nothing else. Disapointed, I packed up everything and tossed them in the trash. Turned around to get the PTK, and saw 2 lines... one control line and a faint test line... My heart must've stopped as I yelled, DARLING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forwarding the story, we concluded that since that was a cheap PTK, it could've been a mistake. Next morning, we tested with a ClearBlue PTK. This time, Justin was the one who handled the dipping. And the positive mark was superbly clear and dark. We stared at it, studied it, studied the box, studied it again... and all we could say was... "wow..... wow...... wow".

Met the gynae yesterday (wednesday, 1/4/09) and it was confirmed - WE'RE PREGNANT!!! But we couldn't see the embryo yet as it's still tiny. So till date, I'm 5 weeks along! Scheduled to go back in 3 weeks to check if the embryo is properly rooted in the uterus where it's supposed to be. I announced to my family and a few close friends yesterday and some didn't believe because of the irony of April 1st. Sigh.

Due date is approx 4th Dec 2009. And I thought posting on the blog will be a good way to announce this. =D

So to those who are concerned about us, we'll need your support. For those who worry if we can handle this, we say, we have God on our side - our Maker, rock, and teacher.

Tall Oaks from Little Acorns grow.

David Everett (1769-1813)

You'd scarce expect one of my age
To speak in public on the stage;
And if I chance to fall below
Demosthenes or Cicero,
Don't view me with a critic's eye,
But pass my imperfections by.
Large streams from little fountains flow,
Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

I'm a little acorn!! Woo Hooo!!!

Graduation

Hello hello!!

Masters has been dragging on FOREVER!!! But looking at schedule, I should be able to finish by June! WOO HOO. HELP UC now has this really cool online experiment site, where students publish their research titles and available time slots, and participants sign up online. It was really exciting watching people sign up for the sessions, kinda like watching the stock market! XD

But thank God, the numbers are rolling in, and my sessions are filling up. Thanks to Jenn Ming who helped promote my research to his classmates. Thank you thank you Ming!!! So come next Friday, I'll begin the first session of data gathering for the long awaited dissertation.

The thing is, I used to absolutely dispise research. But this time it's different, I am excited and passionate about my research! Goodness! Must be getting this from Justin.

So, watch out for my formal announcement on graduation some time in June =D

Love

Love brings out the best and worst in people. Successful marriages = when the best's outweighs the worst's.

Smooth Jazz

My latest craze is Peter Cincotti. His piano skills are just AMAZING!!! Heard him on Lite.fm's Swing time every Sunday night - Good stuff.

Jazz notes... jazz chords.... Ahhhhh~~~ Any suggestions for smooth jazz songs? Justin and I appreciate the suggestions!

So small

Carrie Underwood's song "So Small" really sums up the impact of perspectives and how perspectives we choose cause us to see our 'grains of sand' as unconquerable mountains. Choice Theory is right, at the end of the day, we choose our paths and how we feel. This song has been inspirational. Enjoy.

So Small
-Carrie Underwood

What you got if you ain't got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole

While you're sitting around thinking 'bout what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Beautiful...

Appreciate the Little Things

Learn to appreciate the little things, then you will have the character to appreciate the bigger ones.

I need to learn this lesson.

Read a little write up about Positive Psychology (good stuff!), and their premise is simple: when people are happy they are relaxed, when they are relaxed they are productive, when they are productive they will automatically be able and willing to give more than required.

Made me think, I used to do this quite often, to look at the good things. But seeing so many people and listening to their problems, just made it harder to remember that... no wonder why I'm dreading doing the things I am. Need to start looking and digging up the good stuff and turning a blind eye to the bad. =D

Another thing to add to the list: Look for the good!

Malachi 3:3

Malachi 3:3 says: 'He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.' She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith,'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it.'

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire , remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

Another one from Crosswalk

I really love cross walk's devotionals, they speak such life and such wisdom from ordinary women like me, answering an extraordinary call or being a child of God, a wife, a mother. Hope this blesses you as much as it has blessed me.

How is Your Marriage?

Melissa Taylor

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 (NASB)

Devotion:

A while ago, I wrote a devotion where I revealed portions of my past that continue to affect my marriage today. I followed that up with another one recounting the struggle I've had being intimate with my husband. I received hundreds of letters from women of all ages who could relate to what I had written. Because I also reported that my marriage was now thriving, I received a lot of questions and concerns:

"How did your marriage go from just surviving to thriving?"

"What if your husband won't go to counseling?"

"I don't love my husband anymore; what do I do?"

"My husband doesn't make me feel good; he doesn't even notice me."

"I'm exhausted from trying to be happy."

"All my husband wants is sex; I'm just too tired."

"What if your husband is not a Christian?"

"That's great for you, but what about me?"

I wish I was equipped to answer these questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to Someone who could answer all of our questions for us? We can.

One thing that helped me was prayer. I know that sounds simple. I also know it's not. It can be difficult to pray and be satisfied with God's response. We need to be committed to receiving what God offers, not just asking for what we want.

For years, I spent my time praying for God to change Jeff, my husband. I blamed Jeff for me not feeling good about myself and my life. I thought:

If he would only pay more attention to me ... then I'd be happy.

If he would just be more romantic ... then I'd be fulfilled.

I wish he understood me.

He loves his work more than me.

I wish he would read the Bible more, or pray with me.

I bought the book, Power of a Praying Wife, certain if I began praying diligently for my husband everything would be fixed. I opened the book, ready to change my husband through prayer. Imagine my surprise when the first thing the author suggested was that I pray for myself! My intentions in reading this book was to change Jeff through my prayers, not to change me. That really opened my eyes. Maybe God didn't want to change my husband; maybe He wanted to change me!

This shifted my focus on what God could do in and through me. Instead of trying to figure out how His Word applied to everyone else (especially Jeff), I focused on how it applied to me. What a difference that made!

As I prayed for myself, I also began praying for Jeff. This time I stayed out of God's way and let Him work in both our hearts. There was not quick, but steady improvement. Looking back to when I first made the decision to focus more on my role in our marriage and less on Jeff's, and compare it to today, it is like night and day.

I am a wife, but even before that I am a child of God. I pray my marriage lasts forever, but I have no guarantee of that. I do have the guarantee that my relationship with Jesus will. That's the relationship I must work on first. Amazingly, when that one is right, the rest falls into place for me. It doesn't mean that all is well, but it means I am well.

The next time you find yourself yearning for more from your marriage and husband, think about this. Instead of asking, "How is my marriage doing?" or "How is my relationship with my husband?" Ask "How am I doing?" or "How is my relationship with Jesus?"

Dear Lord, help me to turn over all of the desires in my heart to You. Work on my relationships, beginning with me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

w1max

Ok... I sort of forgot to post this up.

2 weeks ago, I returned w1max... =( It was the 13th day of the free trial, and I reluctantly returned it. Reason being: too expensive for now. RM99 is Rm33 extra from what we're paying for streamyx. It would be cheaper if we gave up our home land line. But.... for obvious reasons we can't. So in short, we decided to return it.

WE LOVED THE SPEED!!!! We seriously did... but when it came down to how much we'd actually need the extra speed, we realised that we could live without the speed. T_T

It's been 2 weeks since w1max was sent away, and I have been missing every moment of it! Sigh. STREAMYX... you were supposed to be equally fast!!! Why oh why!!! Sigh....

Now Justin's actually thinking of just paying the extra for w1max. Fingers crossed! =D

Pause Before Reacting

Taken from Crosswalk's Encouragement for Today

by Lysa TerKeurst

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

Devotion:

A few years ago, Art and I hit a rough place financially. Some investments we'd made went bad and we lost nearly our entire life savings. I was knee deep in 3 small children at the time and hadn't a clue that financial danger was looming on the horizon.

That is until Art came home one day and the look on his face spoke of utter defeat. How could we have lost so much? He'd been wise with our finances. He'd done his research. He was a faithful saver. I stood stunned in our foyer that day, as Art told me the news.

There were many different directions my reaction could have gone in the minutes that followed. I was upset. When Art first talked of making these particular investments, I shared with him that I didn't have a good feeling about it. But, in the end, I let him make the final decision.

So many times in my marriage, I've chosen the wrong words - words that were tainted with bitterness, words that were emotionally toxic. But I'm so thankful the Lord had been working on preparing my heart for this moment and instead of reacting immediately with what would have been a disastrous response, I paused. I allowed the Holy Spirit a few seconds to interrupt my natural flesh feelings.

Then, because of God's Spirit working in me, I was able to wrap my arms around my husband and speak life-giving words into his weary heart. "I love you Art. I loved you yesterday when we had everything. I love you today when we have nothing. I love you for who you are, not what you have."

A few years later, Art and I were on Dr. Dobson's Focus on the Family radio program. On the show Art was asked, "I know you and Lysa had a rough start to your marriage. But what happened that made you know you'd stick by her forever, no matter what?"

Without hesitation, Art recounted my reaction over the lost investments.

I cried.

Had I been left to my own flesh reaction that day, it could have set us on the road to marital disaster. But, because of God's response being stored up in me, this situation wound up bringing us closer together than we'd ever been.

I realized how crucial it is to always be aware of God's preparation in our lives. Because He stands in our yesterday, today and tomorrow, He sees all. And He knows the perfect way to prepare our hearts for every situation.

When we embrace His preparations, even a girl with firecrackers in her blood like me can have reactions that honor God and breathe life into relationships.

Dear Lord, remind me to pause before I react. Sometimes the stresses of life pull at my emotions, which cause me to have reactions that tear at my relationships. Please forgive me for poor reactions in my past. Thank You for second chances. Thank You for the way You prepare my heart for everything You see that I'll be facing today, tomorrow and in all my tomorrows to come. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Mercy Ministries

Some thoughts

In the quest for self-development, I often ask myself:
What have I done today?
Why did I do the things I did?
Were my intentions right?
Did I please God?

Not because I am trying to be super-spiritual / righteous. That is not possible. Through learning and life, I've come to understand that this is the way I find balance. By focusing on an unchanging God, I find my balance.

Before Masters, time to reflect was abundant. In Aussie, reflecting became second nature and it was done every other day. But it is with much pain that I say since Masters, there just hasn't been time to reflect. As a result, I've been off tangent and reflection is done only when stress boils over... for a long while now. Actually since practicum started mid last year.

Change is a prerequisite of any counseling relationship. Change for both client and counselor. These few months of counseling have only served to confirm this. At this point, I am exhausted. I've been crying so much lately I don't know why. I get tired so quickly and easily, even when I've had more than enough sleep. It now takes double or triple the effort to stay afloat - to tell myself that I'm still doing OK, not perfect but still OK.

But life is a big lemon fan, the minute I've managed to pull myself together, another big fat sour lemon is thrown my way. Such is life. Recently I was reminded that no matter how hard I try, now nice I am, how right my intentions are, how flawless I've performed there will always be someone who will not approve. Somewhere, something, someone will manage to point out something of me that's not OK.

Key thing I've learned through past few weeks' supervision is to acknowledge the person of the counselor. Being so caught up with how others' are feeling, what others' think, is everyone happy, is everyone OK, will cause us to forget the person of the counselor and eventually drive us insane. In short, we have to find this balance between loving and pampering the self before we can help others.

My current state is that of a wreck in need of a serious overhaul which is being helplessly wheeled into a garage. I have lost my balance.

I sort of currently in the middle of loving myself and caring for others. I am not doing both well by any measure. Apparent in my current physical state and in the feedback I've been getting. I've not been very nice lately - moody to be exact. If I've in any way offended you of late, I apologize.

Oh God, I need to find my balance!! I need to live again! Reflection beckons... tonight maybe.